Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Catherine Answers a Fact Checker's Questions

I was recently contacted by a "fact checker" at one of the most well known magazines in the country. I was surprised for three reasons--1) I've usually only been approached by on-line magazines, 2) the fact finding questions were collectively a hot mess, 3) the magazine said they have their own on-staff sex expert so asking for fact checking was just, well, weird.

Since I'm pretty sure my name will not be associated with the story, I'm going to let you in on the type of questions I got. Side note--fact checkers are most likely NOT going to give you credit for the information you provide or a lovely link back to your website.

These are the exact questions (remember, they have an in-house sex expert):

1. What physiological effect does a cock ring have on male genitalia & what does that impact look like?
2. What generic exercises (not Kiegel) (spelling) could benefit a couple's sex life & would core workouts work well?
3. Do women generally prefer high or low voices re: dirty talk? (This is admittedly very subjective but given your experience, have you noticed a preference?)
4. How does a prostate massager work? Would it be accurate to say that it would make the male member larger during use?

My answers:

1. Cock rings are really fun and meant to temporarily inhibit the flow of blood out of the penis. This is a great choice for men who are dealing with erectile dysfuction or who are older in age. Blood flow in general decreases as we age. For new cock ringers, I suggest using a ring that is adjustable and quickly removed and then only using it for about 20 minutes. Cock rings don't make your cock bigger, they are meant to temporarily provide harder erections. Some men like using them in front of their testicles and some prefer to place the ring behind the testicles. It is really up to the user. Using lube is great when putting on a cock rings because it decreases the chance that your skin will chafe.
2. Hmm, hard question for me to answer as I'm not a personal trainer and horribly out of shape. 
3. Women tend to talk dirty when engaging in sexual activity more than men. Women, and this is especially true during the time in their cycle that they ovulate, are more drawn to men with lower voices. It depends on each person individually, but I suspect many women prefer a deeper voice (this is partictularly true from an evolution stand point) over a man with a high voice. 
4. Prostate massagers, most of the time, are used internally. They are a very specific sub group of sex toys that are usually found in the butt plug or anal toy section of sex toy stores and websites. Prostate massagers are curved in a way to maximize stimulation of the prostate. In fact, some men can ejaculate from prostate stimulation alone--meaning the penis need not be stimulated, stroked, or caressed. Prostate stimulation is great for your health and men who engage in more prostate play are less prone to prostate cancer. It is common for the blood flow into the penis to be temporarily diverted to the anus. This is when it's common for a man to lose his erection. When the person realizes what is happening and that something is in their butt, the blood flow usually returns to the penis. I've not heard of prostate massagers making the penis harder--if that were the case, a lot more men would participate in prostatic sexual play. 

How Stand Up Comics Are a Little Like Sex Educators (According to Me)

I've kind of had this notion floating around in my head for a while now. Because I grew up close to Chicago, I have a love of comedy thanks to Second City. In fact, on of my favorite things to do is to watch live comedy shows. Comedy Central used to have much more stand up programs, and now it seems like they are few and far between. 

Because I have such affection for stand up comedy, I'm posting some personal photos I've been lucky enough to snag! Their names in order are Guy Branum, John Caparulo, and Chris Hardwick.

It may not seem like the 2 are remotely similar, but allow me to explain. 

Before I get into it, remember that this is merely my personal experience and general impression of the sex educator community. My involvement in the community is far from normal, and I am not intending to speak for anyone else. 

My experience as a sex educator and speaker has many parallels to stand up comics because much of our success is dependent upon our audience.

One of my most frequent workshops is called "The Physiology of Sexual Pleasure & Sex Toys (aka Oh Yeah! Right There!" 

Even though all of my workshops are custom tailored to what the organizer requests, I tend to utilize a lot of the same material. For this particular workshop I talk pretty extensively about pleasure anatomy and how sex toys can be used to enhance solo or partnered sex.

It is not uncommon for me to present this particular workshop on any given Tuesday and basically nail it. The audience is highly engaged, acts appropriately, and many participants hang around after my presentation to talk with me. I can give almost the exact same workshop (and many times for the same organization) a few days later and personally feel like I sucked as a sex educator. Keep in mind that I am talking about the exact same concepts, bring the exact same sex toys, and structure my presentation the exact same way as the one a few days prior. What makes me feel like a failure or that I bombed that workshop is a total lack of audience participation, participants shouting out really inappropriate things while I'm presenting, and basically asking me questions about my personal sexual life that fall into the "douche bag" category. Examples of this would be: "You much have a huge vagina don't you?!" or "Man, you really like to talk about sex, you must be pretty slutty."

I've been presenting sexuality workshops for almost 10 years. This sort of thing doesn't happen all that often...seriously, thank god for that...but when it does, it has made me question and basically ruminate over what I did wrong. 

Here is what I have come to understand about being a sexuality speaker:

• You are NEVER going to make every single participant and organizer happy. The most I can attempt is getting the majority of the audience on board. Most of the time I tend to have more than a few very active and participatory audience members who are absolutely interested in what I have to say. 
• I have to surrender to the reality that not all my workshops are going to be home runs. I might be feeling under the weather, I might have forgotten particular sex toys or part of my agenda at home, the room might be less than optimal, some participants may fall asleep, etc. 
• My goal is that participants either remember or learn only 1 new thing after attending my presentation. While I would love to have participants remember a whole lot more, I know that I tend to provide A LOT of information in a short amount of time. If they only remember one of my sayings like "the anus is a hungry orifice (think of the game hungry hungry hippo)", "orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing", "lube is your friend", "women and men have the same amount of erectile tissue", or "if you stick something up your butt that doesn't have a base or a flange, and it passes the point of no return, no amount of wishing, praying, or straining is going to make it come back down--this is time for a visit to the ER"
• I don't need to re-work my entire presentation if one workshop happens to fall flat. My content is solid, good, and accurate. I've either mis-judged the audience, spoke to an audience that was expecting something different, or simply presented in front of an audience that is non participatory. 

It's also my experience that the sex educator (much like the stand up comic) community is difficult to navigate.

Here are some of my observations:

• Like certain comics, certain sex educators appeal to a specific demographic
• Like comics, some sex educators are worried that others will use (which is really just a euphemism for steal) their content
• Like comics, some sex educators are jealous or envious of what others have going on
• Like comics, some sex educators question why certain people who are new to the scene have found success without necessarily "paying their dues"
• Like comics, some sex educators travel very far and often on their own dime to get work 
• Like comics, many sex educators get paid a ridiculously low salary
• Like some comics, some sex educators are great in front of a crowd, but are actually very shy and find it more difficult to connect with people on a one on one basis

Again, what I have written above is directly related to my experiences. I do not wish to speak for anyone else. It is completely possible that someone reading this will think I'm full of shit because they have had a much different experience. 

My final parallel between comics and sex educators is this: We are both doing work because we wish to bring more laughter, pleasure, and fun into peoples lives. 

More Things People Don't Tell You About Sex

A few weeks ago I posted a blog article about what people don't tell you about sex. The topics of sex and sexuality fascinate me because there is so little collective knowledge out there for people to access. Even so, much of the information out in the universe is pretty crappy. 

I'm thrilled that I can use my blog to help educate and entertain people about subjects that are typically thought of as taboo. 

Here are a few more things about sex that no one ever tells you. 

• Masturbation is healthy and good for you! I was an early masturbator. I learned that it is a private thing and not something that I should do in the family room (what can I say, I liked rubbing myself on our couch). I don't remember ever being told it was bad or unhealthy. Masturbation is fabulous for lots and lots of reasons. As a sex educator, I think it is so important for people to be able to bring themselves to orgasm. Masturbation puts you directly in touch with your own sexual response cycle. This can be a scary thing to those who have grown up with the belief that masturbation is dirty. My personal thought is that female masturbation is talked about less because our genitals are mostly hidden. This can give someone the feeling (whether it is directly said or implied) that female genitals are dirty, gross, or any number of equally disparaging descriptors. 
• Masturbation can result in deeper, more robust orgasms than having partnered penetration! The majority of my orgasms while masturbating are pretty freaking amaze balls. There are times, of course, that partnered sex can result in fabulous orgasms. The fact that I know my body (and the way it responds to sexual stimulation) so well is a huge factor. Simply put, no one can make me orgasm the way I can, and that it totally ok. 

If you want to see a hilarious bit about masturbation vs. partnered sex, check out this video from a Wanda Sykes stand up bit. For those of you who lack patience, skip ahead to the 2:40 mark. 

• Genitals come in all shapes and sizes! This is huge! Genital shame  is not only very real, it is one of my most favorite topics. Classic medical text book drawings and most of the mainstream pornography shows genitals in a very specific way. Labia are small, pretty, proportionate, and pink. It's great if you have this type of labia, but it really sucks if you don't. Factors like your ethnicity and having had a vaginal birth can affect the way your labia look. As someone who is half asian, my labia are different from the "norm" because of my skin pigmentation. I also have larger labia than the "norm". At one point, I even asked my ob/gyn about labiaplasty and the reply I got was less than encouraging. This is what he told me (I now see a fabulous female doctor) "well, they're larger than normal but definitely not the largest I've seen." Now my philosophy is that, unless your lips are so large that they get in the way of zipping up your pants, labiaplasty is a huge waste of money. The scar tissue as a result of surgery can also de-sensitize your labia, and that is something many physicians don't tell you about either. When it comes to male genitals, there are a few different types that are considered the "norm". Medical drawings show flaccid penises that (in my humble opinion) are pretty long and most porn movies show hard penises that are pretty darn big. Ethnicity can make a big difference when it comes to the color of your penis. Many ethnic men have penises that are significantly darker than the color of their skin. 
• Porn is not sex education! Now let me be clear, there are some really good sex education videos out there. What makes them different from random pornography is that they are specifically labeled as sex education. People on the screen may very well be porking each other, but there is usually some sort of introduction to the activity or even voice overs telling you what the people are doing. It is disturbing to me as a sex educator that people look to porn as education. Porn is made to be as visually stimulating as possible. Pornography is not reality and the performers are sexual athletes. 
  
• The majority of women can not reach orgasm via intercourse! Estimates are that between 20% and 30% of women have the ability to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex. Even so, orgasms are never a guarantee. In case you missed it, that is a pretty significant number of women! This can result in some pretty frustrated women (and their partners). Thankfully, many women find that using a well placed clitoral vibrator can get them over the non-orgasmic hump. 
• Sexuality is fluid! This may be a shocker to some. I'm the first to admit that I have experienced some strong sapphic lust. As someone who is 40, I can see that I probably had some of those feelings years ago, but was never comfortable enough to articulate them (much less act on them). Just like our preference for food can change as we age, our preference for what type of sexual behavior can change. 
• Sexual behavior/activity is not the same as sexual identity/preference! I get the "am I gay?" question A LOT. Many heterosexual folks get really confused if they happen to enjoy a sexual activity that is deemed "gay". A dude who enjoys getting "pegged" or anally penetrated with a strap on dildo isn't always and necessarily gay. Sexual behavior does not always correlate with sexual identity. Yes, there are definitely men out there who love getting pegged and self identify as gay. Think about this: enjoying Chinese food doesn't necessarily make you Chinese any more than wearing make-up makes you a female. 
• Everyone has body image issues! Repeat after me "no one thinks about you more than yourself." Most of the time we are so consumed by our own body image issues that we have little time to dissect and judge whomever we are sleeping with. As a dating and sex coach I know that men are super afraid of rejection. They also tend to spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about their penis size and if they are able to satisfy their lover.  
• The vast majority of people who have an STI don't know it! Most research estimates that between 70% and 90% of people who have an STI are not aware of it. If left untreated, many STI's can cause major fertility and other health complications. At the very least I recommend getting a complete HIV/STI screening on an annual basis. People who engage in barrier free sexual activity or have several partners (and don't know the status of their partners) should be tested every 3 to 4 months. 

I know that I am probably only touching the surface of what people almost never tell you about sex. Feel free to leave your personal comments below (hint, hint). 

I'm a Bragging B*tch

Asking people to write testimonials about you and your work is pretty weird. I think, for me, part of it comes down to the fact that I was raised to not gloat about oneself. I'm very aware of the saying "...no one likes a gloater!" 

Because I work for myself, I don't get to experience annual work evaluations. Actually, if I think about it, I haven't had a formal employment evaluation in many years. Work evaluations were less of a priority at the non profit I worked for between 2002 and 2008. Providing essential services to the HIV positive youth clients always took precedence (with good reason), and employees were sometimes only evaluated when a performance plan needed to be put into place.

Not being the beneficiary of work evaluations can be both a blessing and a curse. At the very least evaluations are a good way of celebrating what areas you excel in. They can also make you face the reality that you have specific areas for professional development. 

I'm not someone who needs constant approval. However, I am someone who relishes being acknowledged for doing great work. I mean, who doesn't?!

As a sexuality speaker I tend to have limited, albeit focused, contact with large groups of individuals. I spend between 75 and 90 minutes in front of a group and then go about the rest of my day. I tend to have very limited contact with most of the workshop participants after my presentation is done. I'm thrilled that, on rare occasions, I get to develop personal relationships with people who met me through my speaking engagements. 

Because I work for myself, there are times when I need to specifically request someone to write a testimonial about me and my work. Like I said before, it is a strange and weird request to ask someone.   

I'm usually quite touched and humbled by the testimonials people provide for me.

Here are a few of my most favorite testimonials:

"You can't ask for more folks! Catherine Toyooka is the BEST when it comes to providing an environment that is safe, secure, and comfortable when it comes to sex positivity. Catherine has done a handful of workshops for our LGBTQ youth program (AQUA) as well as our gay men's program (raMEN), and our clients in both groups beg each season to bring her back; and it goes without saying why. Her expertise, easy-going spirit, and fun energy are more than anyone can ask for in a speaker, coach, and mentor."

 

"I had a chance to see Catherine at a live podcast recording. Her warmth and humor really put the audience at ease with the intimacy of the subject matter (G spot). She has a lot of knowledge and information to give, and her first step is making sure that people feel safe enough to receive the information. She has an authenticity to her that is endearing and comforting. So much of sex education is openness and sharing, and Catherine make you feel like that openness goes both ways. She's not lecturing you on something you're doing wrong and need to do better; she's helping you to enhance what you're already capable of and facilitates you experiencing sexuality the way you already want to in achieving sexual fulfillment."     

"I had the pleasure of attending one of Cat's workshops at City College in San Francisco. She presents the materials in such an easy and comfortable manner, yet not flippant or goofy. She gives the topics around sex, sexual pleasure, and safety the respect they deserve but in a way that makes it comfortable for the audience to digest. This is not to say she is stiff or overly serious--her sense of humor has them in stitches too--Cat knows her stuff!"       

"I reached out to Catherine when I found myself facing a tough situation with intimacy in my own relationship of 6 months. I was frustrated, finding it difficult to voice my concern with my partner, and feeling completely alone in regards to who I could turn to with such a personal obstacle. Catherine responded with compassion and concern. She named a few possible roots of the problem, and suggested a number of resources and ways to address the issue, comfortably and at our own pace."

"Cat began our workshop with a few ice breakers, a WONDERFUL way to engage us and make us comfortable from the beginning. Also stressed the importance of confidentiality, a good message for young college women to have reinforced. Fabulous introduction. Cat was thorough, patient, open, thought-provoking and humorous."

Getting this kind of consistently positive feedback is crucial to the type of work I do. Yes, it can be uncomfortable and awkward for me to ask someone to provide me with a testimonial. I've learned that most people are more than happy and willing to provide me a testimonial if I ask them. What a concept!

What I appreciate most about these particular testimonials is the confirmation that I do a pretty great job at providing a safe environment for people to talk about the taboo topics of sex and sexuality. I'm also pleasantly surprised to see how good people are at isolating some of my personality characteristics that make me uniquely me.

I sincerely and wholeheartedly thank every person who has provided testimonials about me and my work! Your kind words mean more to me than I can ever put words to.