Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Sex + the Japanese = Some Pretty Weird Shit

When it comes to sex and sexuality I am not someone who likes to "yuck" someones "yum", but I think we can all agree that there is some funky sex stuff out there. Particularly when it comes to the Japanese. Yes, I am aware that I have 1/2 Japanese. The stuff I'm talking about is different from their apparent used panty fetish. Side note: one of my sisters had all of her underwear (including her "period undies" stolen from a laundry facility) when she lived in Japan. 

I recently stumbled upon an online Japanese sex toy store, and was temporarily rendered speechless at their offerings.

Here are just a few (don't tell me I didn't warn you):

• We all remember our first time. And this deluxe onahole has been designed to create the sensation of deflowering a virgin. The realistic Virgin Meiki Aoi Chihiro comes with a hymen and red vaginal passage, as well as hips for gripping.

The red lotion inside re-creates the sensation of blood seeping out after penetration. And if you're feeling in the mood for some flexible anal action, Aoi has a second hole just for you. Have the perfect first-time experience over and over again with tender Aoi Chihiro.

The Virgin Meiki Aoi Chihiro features:

• Meiki onahole with hips
• Hole has pseudo-hymen and virginal passage, including blood-style lotion
• Also includes anal hole

 

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• Japanese school girls do a lot of sports at school. They run, they giggle, they sweat. Imagine their underwear, graced with the perspiration and odors of their virgin bodies…Yes, the makers of the popular Used Panties series of simulation goods have now released the Japanese Sports Student Bloomers, a large pair of panties seemingly stolen fresh from the girls' locker room! The vacuum-sealed set contains a sexy postcard to help get you in the mood and you will definitely appreciate the sweet fragrance that every unique pair imbues…
• The Sports Student Used Panties Bloomers features:

 

• Real panties simulating the feel and smell of being worn
• "Bloomers"-style sports panties type
• Contains sexy postcard
• Package size: 15.5 x 21 x 3.3cm (6.1 x 8.3 x 3.3")
• Vacuum-sealed for hygiene
• *Please note that this item cannot be returned*

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• Do you drink from the yellow fountain? Do you want her golden stream tumbling down onto your body? Fans of golden showers can now lube themselves up with a great substitute for when you just don't have a real girl to do it for you, or for those times when she just won't play along.

The Mao Golden Shower Oshikko Lotion is a full bottle of pee-style lubricant that will get everything wet as a lube should, but with the smell and color of a young girl's you-know-what...Not only does this look like the real thing but the texture is stunning too. Shake the bottle and there are even bubbles just like you'd expect!

The Mao Golden Shower Oshikko Lotion features:

• Pee-style lubricant
• Color and smell like young girl's urine (oshikko)
• Volume: 360ml
• Bottle size: about 11.5 x 6.5 x 6.5cm (4.5 x 2.6 x 2.6")

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• In Japanese "shakuhachi" means fellatio, deriving from the traditional bamboo flute of the same name. So you can imagine what it feels like to have your instrument played by a local lady. Put on some of this Shakuhachi Spray and she will be very keen to go down and deep on you, over and over again.

Made from a mixture of cheese, potato, kiwifruit and other delicious and natural ingredients, she will find your member tastier than ever. Some girls (okay, many girls) find the smell of a penis rather off-putting but with a spray like this she will be gasping for more, sucking harder ("shaburu") and harder.

The Shakuhachi Blow Job Spray features:

• Deep throat oral sex spray
• Spray onto penis for better mutual oral sex experience
• Length: 7.3cm (2.9")

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• It might not be made by the space agency but the Nasa Scope is still pretty hi-tech, and a fantastic way to view your own sperm or any other juices you or your partner produce! Use the various lens to get a maximum magnification of 1200 times and REALLY get to know how your body works.

This set includes not only the powerful yet novice-friendly microscope, but also samples for you to test out your scientific skills before you get more personal. There are also slides, filters, a dropper and a spatula included. This has been especially produced for all those curious guys and gals out there, so don't feel squeamish or embarrassed about putting your intimate liquids right under the microscope!

The Nasa Scope features:

• Includes: samples (fat, sea salt, shrimp eggs, eosin), slides x 4, color filter, pin set, prepared slide x 2, dropper, spatula, surgical knife
• Size: 20 x 6 x 10cm (7.9 x 2.4 x 3.9")
• Weight: 600g (21.2 oz)

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• Giving off that unforgettable pungent odor of soap and youthful sweat combined deliciously together, the Japanese Virgin Girl Sweat Spray will bring all kinds of new smells and experiences. Spray some onto your love doll's clothing or body for unbeatable verisimilitude and to enhance your hormonal desires. Though originally designed with love dolls in mind, there is of course nothing to stop you using the aroma spray to add extra realism to your favorite onaholes, used panties or other toys and items.

The Japanese Virgin Girl Sweat Spray features:

• Can be used on love dolls and other adult toys
• Size: 2.7 x 11.5cm (1.2 x 4.5")
• 30ml (1 fl oz)

Things No One Tells You About Sex

As a sex educator I totally admit that I tend to live in a little sex bubble. That is, sometimes I am taken aback at how uncomfortable some people are when the topics of sex and sexuality are discussed. 

What do I mean by that?

Remember when I held my big, amazeballs sex toy giveaway? I had more than a few people send me private messages that they really wanted to participate in my event, but they were not comfortable leaving a public comment. I've also had people tell me that my facebook posts are "too sexual and out there." Of course, they usually say that before they are asking for some sort of assistance from me. 

After doing a lot of workshops, it has really dawned on me that most of us are really uninformed about the wonderful topics of sex and sexuality. 

Here are a few major tidbits people almost never tell you when it comes to sex:

• Sex is fun and is often funny! It can also feel really, really great. Most of the time sex is portrayed in the movies and tv as being super sexy and also super
  serious. Seduction seems to be the over-riding theme amongst Hollywood sex scenes. If you ask me, this can set a lot of people up for unrealistic expectations. Even sex that is scheduled can be fun. Sex can also be pretty dang funny. Experimenting with new and different positions, vaginal and anal farts, and general clumsiness are all things that are worthy of a few chuckles.  

• Lube is your friend! I seriously think I must have been smoking crack for the majority of my sexual life as I only really became a lube connoisseur after I became a sex educator. Why in the hell had no one told me about the wonder of lube before?! I think that many women suffer some anxiety over the amount of vaginal lubrication they produce. Sometimes it's too much, but more often it is too little. Try to remember that every person is unique and this can apply to how they experience sexual excitement. It is also common that a side effect of certain medical conditions and medications can impair the natural lube production. This is only one of the reasons lube is the 8th wonder of the world. In fact, I'm going to write a whole blog post about lube so keep your eye out for it. 
• Some lubricants can be problematic for people prone to yeast infections. Many of the more well known personal lubricants contain ingredients like glycerin and sugar. Both ingredients are known for being problematic for people who have chronic yeast infections or candida. 
• Sex can be messy! Again, this isn't something that is shown in most media, including mainstream pornography. Male ejaculate, female ejaculate, vaginal lubrication, store bought lubrication, and other bodily fluids (like blood and fecal matter) can make for a messy experience. Some women tell me they find out they are ejaculators on accident. It can be quite surprising as female ejaculate can range from a sort of trickle to a very robust gush. Once they figure out they can (and desire) to ejaculate, many women will put down extra towels, puppy pads (hey, they are very absorbent!), or even a vinyl sheet. 
• Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate events! This is usually a head scratcher for many people because many, many people experience orgasm and ejaculation at the same time. People who don't tend to think they are broken, have sexual dysfunction, or a psychological or *medical* (see below) condition. Orgasm is that yummy, euphoric feeling one experiences, while ejaculation is when the pelvic floor contracts over and over again allowing fluid to be expelled from the body. If you have only experienced orgasm and ejaculation separately, then that is most likely your sexual "norm". However, if it is something that is new to you, then I would suggest you bring it up to your doctor to make sure it isn't a symptom of an undiagnosed medical condition.  

Of course, this is only a short list of the many things people really never tell you when it comes to sex. Feel free to leave a comment with your own personal story. 

 

FYI, sources on the glycerin and yeast connection

http://www.livestrong.com/article/87361-glycerin-yeast-infections/

http://womenshealth.stanford.edu/fsm/ask.html

Ok, the Bad Dating Profile Photos Need to Stop

How is it possible that I'm still talking about the need to post good dating profile photos. This post is totally apropos as I recently updated the pictures on my business website, Catherine Coaches.

My personal story is that, as a business owner, I feel the need for people to take me, my business, and what I do seriously. Accordingly, I had a bunch of professional head shots done for the launch of my website. They were definitely professional. The problem was is that they didn't really convey my personality, and I wasn't keen on changing them because of the money I had spent on them. One of my friends mentioned to me a couple of times that a few of those "professional" photos looked like I was holding some tension in my face. As much as I would love to deny it, it was true! 

When it comes to photographs, I am someone for whom many people have told me "you look much better in person." I've stopped counting the number of individuals who have said this. Perhaps one reason I am not so photogenic is because of my mixed ethnicity. I feel like, when I smile in photos, my half-Japanese eyes become very chinky. And yes, I really just used that word. In other words, when I smile, my asian-ness comes out in full force. Years ago I was a child model. A model who never smiled in any of the pictures, that is. When I looked at some of the photos my parents still still had in their possession I had to laugh because I look so serious.  

So what do you do when someone tells you that new photos are in order?

Well, if you are me, you put on your big girl panties and set up a tripod and camera. It was uncomfortable, it made me sweat (but then again, almost anything does), but I got through it. In fact, in about 1 hour I got several pictures that I am actually ok with. 

The picture where I looked tense was this one:

So my big take away is that people want a smiley Catherine. 

But how does this apply to you?

I've recently seen some really, truly awful dating profiles. The problem usually lies with people not looking at all like who they are. More importantly, the pictures don't show the person's personality. Sometimes I will get push back from people who are not ready to change their dating profile photos. They say that they are getting plenty of dates, which I totally believe is the case. But you have to admit that it is hard to fight with my logic when I say that a better quality of photographs will lead to better qualities of dates.

My specific suggestions to crafting some kick ass dating profile photos are:

• Get feedback on your current dating profile photos
• Practice smiling in the mirror
• Wear something you feel comfortable in & something that isn't too "busy"
• Invest in a cheap tripod (if you don't already have one) or borrow one from a friend
• Set up your photo on auto-timer and click away
• Change your top or jewelry after a bunch of shots 
• Pick the pictures that you are immediately drawn to, edit them appropriately, and post those suckers

Things you DON'T want in a dating profile picture are:

• You in a group. Seriously, who needs the competition?
• You with your underage children...think about it
• You being so far away that you look like a tiny ant
• Not smiling in any of the photos
• Not showing your figure in any of the photos

Remember that your goal is to capture bits of your personality in dating profile photos. If you have a head shot from work, go ahead and use it (but I recommend that it's not your primary photo). 

Remember that I ocassionally blog and post dating profile pictures that belong in the "hall of shame". Keep sending me those gems!

 

Catherine's Picks--Flirting Videos

Don't worry if you weren't born as a natural flirt. Flirting, like many behaviors, can be learned. 

Because flirting can take many forms, I've pulled together some clips that demonstrate what flirting behavior can look like. 

Justin Bieber. Love him or hate him, he is one of the worlds biggest flirts. I'm being completely serious about this. Watch his body language, the way he looks who he is talking to in the eye, and so much more when he was a guest on Chelsea Lately. 

 

 

The elevator scene from the movie the Departed. Many have said this particular scene is one of the best flirting scenes from any movie. Unfortunately, the fuckers who uploaded the video clip won't let me embed it, so please check out Matt Damon as he flirts with Vera Farminga by going here. Click through, you don't want to miss it!

 

UK Commercial with male and female co-workers. This commercial is fun because it shows flirting that is intentionally provocative. It is also makes me laugh. 

 

 

Flirting scene from Perfect Couple. This show only ran for one season, and to be honest, I never watched it. However, this flirting scene is quite funny. People often become very nervous when they are flirted with or flirt with someone else. This scene is pretty genius in capturing nervous flirting. 

 

My Return to the Gay Community

After about a 4 year break, I finally found myself back at the agency I left in 2008. Bay Area Young (BAY) Positives is a little gem of a non-profit agency. BAY Poz holds the distinction of being the world's first peer-based non-profit agency serving HIV positive youth. I worked there between 2002 and 2008, and, although I was the one to leave, the agency still holds a special place in my heart. 

It's not as if I haven't been back inside the agency since I left. My BFF, who I had the most fortunate luck to meet while working there, remains the Executive Director. We try to meet for lunch every few weeks, but sometimes that turns into every few months. We trade off meeting down on the Peninsula with meeting in the city. Deciding to volunteer at the agency one day a week was a no brainer for me. Not only do I get to see my BFF on a weekly basis, but I can support the agency that meant so much to me. Also, between you and me, working on my own and mostly from home has begun to make me feel pretty isolated. I'm also really, really dismayed by all the youth who are taking their own lives because of being bullied just for being who they are. 

As far as the agency is concerned, not much has changed. It still mostly looks the same, but the staff turn over is pretty high. This is nothing new for the agency, and it warms my heart to see some of the people who are currently working for the agency. It is pretty freaking weird though when I can pin point exactly what items in the agency were either purchased by me or I had gotten through donations. My lucky bamboo (that is apparently thriving--I think I want it back), the desk lights I brought from home, recognizing my writing on binders, and hearing my voice on the agency voice mail are all reminders of how much the agency meant (and still means) to me and my identity.

As soon as I settled in, I had the most overwhelming feeling of belonging. It's hard for me to describe. When I left the agency in 2008 I was severely burnt out. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had little contact with anyone for the first 6 months after I left. I felt like I had nothing left to give, and even speaking to friends made me almost shut down. Funny how some of the stuff that used to annoy the shit out of me in 2008 (like not having ANY privacy) was now a delightful change in 2012.

Because the agency is a drop in day center, there are usually at least a few "members" (that is what we call clients because it is a peer-based organization) hanging out. The agency is technically a youth agency where anyone with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis and between the ages of 18 and 26 are welcome. Due to the nature of HIV in the city of San Francisco, more than 70% of the members identify as something other than hetero. There are also a fair number of transgender women, but heterosexual women are in the minority. In other words, the agency tends to be super gay. And, that is exactly were I feel my "tribe" is. 

I was able to really expand and refine the skills I use when coaching clients around dating and sex while working for BAY Positives. I loved being able to talk openly with the members about the type of sex they were having, what kind of challenges they were facing, and basically just being sex positive. You might think that fostering this type of environment is not likely amongst the HIV poz youth community--you know, because people who are HIV positive shouldn't have sex<---sarcasm alert.

What I know for sure is that BAY Poz is the only service provider that allows youth to safely explore and embrace the different aspect of their sexuality. In fact, it is one of the only places youth feel comfortable discussing sex at all. 

In just a few hours of being back at the agency I was making connections with new members and talked very openly with them about when they became HIV positive, if they are currently dating, what is going on with their life and housing situation, and so much more. The ease of conversation was such a welcome change considering my recent bout of depression and professional doubt. 

It was a relief to be accepted back in the gay trenches right away. Although, in all honesty, it's not like I really ever left. Being at the agency was a wake up call for me. It is liberating to feel truly comfortable with who you are. I got to hang out with youth, accept them for who they are, talk in depth about sex, use the word "gay" liberally, and all the while help people who are going through significant crisis. 

Tuesday was a really good day. 

Who's Your Daddy? (Here's a Guess, It's Not You)

I'm one of those people who have never found the whole concept of grown-ass women calling their fathers "daddy" attractive. To me it is weird, kinda creeps me out, and (again this is my perspective) perpetuates a woman being "child-like". But, just because it's not my deal, doesn't mean that I don't get how this might really do it for someone else. Also, I find it curious that you almost never hear of grown men (some with their own children) referring to their mother as "mommy."

In case you haven't figured it out, I am someone who leans towards very dominant behaviors. Looking back, I think I have always been this way. I've even flirted with the idea of being a professional domme and attended an intensive training by some of the finest teachers around--yep, they really have that type of training! However, I pretty much figured out that the lifestyle wasn't a great match for me. 

In the past and on occasion, I would find myself engaging in sexual activity with men who wanted to "top" me. What usually ended up happening was me laughing at them. Side note--laughing at someone when they are naked and after they have just given you explicit details of what they want to do with your body, is not great for a persons ego. It's not to say that I am firmly opposed to being dominated, but it would have to be the right person. 

So, why am I bringing this up?

Sexual communication is the lube of a sexual relationship. Most of us are so unsure of what we want sexually that sometimes we find ourselves in sexual situations we hadn't anticipated. I know I've said this before, but the bedroom is not an ideal location to bring up a first time conversation about sexual wants, wishes, expectations, etc. And when I say "the bedroom", I am referring to when you and your partner(s) are already engaging in sexual activity. 

Now, I know that some people might only feel comfortable talking about this sex stuff while they are all horny and excited...think of it as "horny courage". I'm someone who believes that it is totally ok and healthy to discuss the type of sex you are having (or wish to have) in locations other than the bedroom. 

Here's the deal--most people want to give pleasure as much as they wish to receive pleasure. Not talking about the type of pleasure you crave can be a frustrating experience for everyone involved. It can also result in some pretty intense resentment. Being able to clearly communicate and/or negotiate the type of sexual activity you are interested in is sexy! 

Sometimes, however, sexual communication can go horribly awry. 

Here is my TMI:

I once had a sexual experience that was so strange, I am still puzzled by it years and years after it occurred. My partner was older than I, and it was our first time engaging in intercourse. Things seemed to be moving along pretty nicely. He was on top of me when I heard him speak these words "..I want you to say 'fuck me daddy'". I said, "hold up, what did you just say?". Again, he directed me to say "fuck me daddy". Ummmm, I'm not someone who is usually at a loss for words. This request, and remember it was totally out of the blue, made me declare "Game over!" 

If he had mentioned this little piece of information prior to us engaging in sexual activity, I most likely would not have had sex with him in the first place. I would have been totally down with the "fuck me" part, as I tend to be pretty verbal anyway. It's the "daddy" nugget that threw me for a loop. Again, it's not that I think calling someone daddy is inherently gross. I can see how some people enjoy it. I can also see how some people can enjoy anal fisting, but that doesn't mean I desire to be on the bottom end of that equation. 

Years and years after the incident above occurred, I happened to mention it to one of my good friends. At the time, my friend was very, very active in hooking up with men he met online. He is super funny, a bit manic, yet completely lovable.

This is what he told me. "Omg, I can't believe that I forgot to tell you that this totally happened to me not long ago! The guy was topping me and, while we were fucking, directed me to say "Fuck me daddy!" so my response was to buck like a horse and say "Fuuuuuuuck meeee daddddy, oooooooh fuuuuck meeeeeee daddddddy" but I kind of used a really sarcastic voice and really went over the top in saying it. He got pissed, stopped fucking me, put on his clothes, left, and I never heard from him again."

I know I'm not doing justice in properly relating to your how my friend said what he said, but trust me it was loud, fabulous, and hilarious! It's something I could totally see him doing, too. In my mind I pictured those mechanical bulls at western themed bars, and he confirmed I was pretty spot on. Incidentally, he also thought it was strange to ask or direct the person you are fucking for the first time to say "fuck me daddy" without any prior discussion. Now, I should explain that this person has had loads of sex with loads of people, and has taken many, well, loads.

Having a bout of verbal diahrrea while engaging in sexual activity can be a real deal breaker for some people. It can also be a trigger for other people who have been sexually assaulted by their father or another father-figure as they were growing up. 

These can be teachable moments for everyone involved (if you think about it). It is an opportunity for people to learn when and how to better articulate what really gets them hot. It can also teach someone what they are not into sexually. 

What Type of Flirt are You?

Ahhh flirting. The mere thought of it can make some break into a cold sweat. Others are so attune to it that they are at a loss of words for how to describe a concept that is innate to their being. 

I have no evidence of it, but I strongly suspect I came out of my mother and winked at the physician who delivered me. Funny story, the man who delivered me happened to be the same man who was my ob/gyn when I was in high school. There is actually a lot more to this story, but I'm just going to say that it's complicated.

(Can you spot the flirting behavior in this picture?)

So what the hell is flirting?

In a nutshell, flirting is a series of verbal and non verbal actions or behaviors we do when expressing interest in or attraction to another person.

(One of the most important aspects of flirting is being able to interpret body language)

Did you know that, in the Victorian era, flirting was deemed important enough that men and women (separately, of course) attended flirting school? I happen to find this fascinating and wish there were more information out there on the subject.  

In 2010, there was a University of Kansas in Lawrence study that identified 5 basic styles of flirting behavior. 

1. Physical Flirting—using playful touching to indicate sexual interest. This type of flirting involves physical chemistry and can quickly lead to an emotional connection and a relationship. 
2. Traditional Flirting—when men take the lead by approaching women they have sexual interest in, allowing women to maintain a more passive role.
3. Polite Flirting—using proper personal and social manners when communicating sexual interest. This is the most cautious way of behaving and can be so nuanced that interest can often go un-noticed.
4. Sincere Flirting—way of expressing sexual interest in others by using an honest approach in getting to know them. This behavior is more commonly used by women.
5. Playful Flirting—way of engaging with others in a lighthearted way without the intention of sexual interest. 

Can you identify your preferred flirting behavior? In some cases, you may have more than one flirting style.