Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Catherine Does Harvard

For the past few years I have lovingly referred to myself as "The Susan Lucci of Harvard." Gays and gals, you probably already know what this means. Straight dudes, here's the deal. Susan Lucci has been on a daytime soap opera for more than 25 years. In fact, she had been nominated 17 times for the "Best Female Actress" role, but had always lost. She finally walked away with the daytime emmy award on her 17th nomination. 

As a sexuality speaker, I have been contacted the last 4 or 5 years by the undergraduate school at Harvard University as a potential speaker for their annual sex week event. The way I understand it to work is that the committee sends out a half dozen invitations to educators who, for some reason or another, are on their radar. The committee meets and they make a final decision based on the experience of the speaker, the cost, and probably a lot more reasons I am not privy to. 

I had come to peace with the fact that I would never get to be a sexuality speaker at Harvard. Although I am a kick ass presenter this is what I am not; political, close to the sex educator community, politically correct. Let's face it, I'm a mixed race female whose been with my husband for over 21 years, and work is something I love to do much more than need to do. 

So color me surprised as shit when I was cordially invited to speak for the Harvard University Graduate School or Arts & Sciences. I'll also be meeting with the fabulous students at the Graduate School for Public Health, so that is just a wonderful added bonus. Probably the thing I am most excited about is the fact that I have been asked to speak to students who identify as people of color. In the past, I've made mention to the fact that, in over 10 years of being in the sexuality field, It's become abundantly clear to me that there are precious few speakers who appear to be of color. 

Here is the flyer the organizer put together to announce my speaking event:

In honour of March as Women’s History Month

the W. E. B. Du Bois Graduate Society

is happy to present:

“Self Image, Self Love & Self Pleasure:

 A Workshop for Women”

led by Cat Toyooka,

Human Sexuality Specialist

 

http://www.catherinecoaches.com/home.html 

Even in today’s world of high-powered business women, policy makers and educators, women of all ages and backgrounds continue to struggle with positive self-image and self love. This workshop, led by sexuality specialist Catherine Toyooka, is designed to encourage women to pose questions about their body to a sex expert, become more comfortable with the idea of self pleasure and gain confidence about ways to love ourselves both in healthy partnerships and as single women. Events are LGBTQI friendly and always high energy, interactive, educational, and entertaining. 

Catherine leads discussions with ice breakers, affirmations and lots of laughter. She stresses the importance of confidentiality and can answer endless questions about sexual health and STIs, how to combat body shame, tips for self pleasure and advice on how to improve intimacy in relationships. Thorough, patient, thought-provoking and humorous, Catherine’s workshops provide an excellent introduction to the world of our own sexuality.


Friday, March 1^st 

from 2-4pm at the 

Harvard College Women's Center, Canaday "B" Basement

 in Harvard Yard

I met the amazing woman responsible for bringing me to Harvard several years ago. It blows my mind that it was literally one interaction that happened about 4 years ago that was the impetus of a wonderful and supportive friendship. 

I'm sad that my BFF is not able to accompany me to the presentations. Harvard had been breathing down his smart and sexy neck as they were trying to court him into their Doctorate of Public Health program. It's funny, but I immediately thought of him when I knew the speaking engagement was a go. Somehow, I think I am better when he is around me. 

It's also makes me really sad that both my parents aren't alive to see their baby speak at Harvard. It's truly amazing how some achievements can be so bittersweet. 

I've got lots of packing to do, and I don't want to forget anything behind, so I'm going to wrap up this blog post.  

What Do You Do With All Those Sex Toys?

If you had told me that I was going to amass a shitload of sex toys when I started my career 10 years ago, I would have pretty much thought you were bananas. 

Over the years my second bedroom has become an office, and it is basically where I keep all my sex educator/coach loot. I do have a bit of an OCD tendency, which you will most likely see for yourself when I post my pictures. I've not always been this organized! It took me a long time to figure out a system that worked for me. 

My office has several bookcases, and the largest one is pretty much filled to the brim with sex toys, books, and various other resources. Initially, my most prized sex educator possessions were my training resource books and manuals. These are still priceless to me, and are the foundation of all my work. Granted, the resources that were super helpful in 2002 are not also as relevant in 2012, but I still like to hold on to them. 

TOP SHELF:

These are the books that I use as reference the most. I have more then are actually shown...they just happen to be in my living room right now as I am working on a specific project. 

I also keep my most favorite, expensive, and visually stimulating sex toys on this shelf. Seriously, I can't even imagine how much this single shelf is worth in terms of "actual retail price". 

You can also spot my trio of mini vulva puppets that I've lovingly named "Khloe", "Kim", and "Kourtney" at the very top. 

 

2ND SHELF:

This shelf also contains some general reference books as well as ones that are more topic specific. 

The sex toys on this shelf as still freaking awesome! Fun Factory, Kegel Balls, Shiri Zinn, and my male pelvic model reside here. 

 

 

3RD SHELF:

The books on this shelf are really a hodge-podge of various topics. There isn't necessarily any order to them, just that they all relate to sex and sexuality. 

The toys on this shelf as also varied. I have my aneros prostate stimulators as well as a non-penetrative prostate massager that looks like a cradle, a few well known vibrators and my larger dildos. 

 

BOTTOM SHELF:

These are where my beloved training resource binders reside. I still refer to them, and they will always have a special place in my sex educator heart. I also have some training resources that are made specifically for sex educators to help facilitate discussions on sex, sexuality, gender, etc. 

I have only a few sex toys are on this shelf and this makes for easier access. 

 

Here is where I keep all my overflow sex toys.

I have so many saran wrapped dildos because these are what I bring as demos for my Fellatio Workshop.

Become a Sex Educator!

So you want to become a sex educator, good for you!

I, for one, believe there are far too few of us out there. I am very sincere in saying this. 

I'm proud to say that I've been a sex educator working in the San Francisco Bay Area for 10 years! This is by far the longest career I've ever had, and I couldn't be happier about my choice of vocation. 

I'm not here to say that I am the best sex educator out there right now. There will ALWAYS be others in the field who are more in demand, get paid more, have more impressive credentials, etc.. Realizing this little tidbit (sooner rather than later) is actually a really good thing. 

Believe it or not, just being able to talk openly about sex and sexuality does not a sex educator make. Think about it this way--being able to argue a great point doesn't necessarily make you a lawyer. Not everyone is going to agree with my suggestions for breaking into the field, and that is totally ok. My foray into sex education was pretty unique. I can only offer suggestions and talk from my personal experience. 

When I first decided that I wanted to pursue a career in sex education, I began with an exhaustive google search. Being close to the city of San Francisco totally worked in my benefit. From what I could tell, there were plenty of people doing the type of work I desired.

When it came down to figuring out what trainings to take it became apparent that I could choose one of two areas: Reproductive Health (i.e. Planned Parenthood) or Community Health Outreach. I'm not knocking those who work at Planned Parenthood. It wasn't the path I saw myself taken--besides the fact that they were not interested in me. I'm not proud to say this, but, I was never even able to get an interview. So, when it comes to Planned Parenthood, I am not a great resource.

In 2002 I found out that sex educators were referred to as "community health workers." The name of the game was also HIV/AIDS. It's where the funding was and where I needed to be. When you boil everything down, outreach workers are basically roaming sex educators. 

But how does one become a sex educator?

Again, there is no single route, so I will put a few out there for you to consider. 

If you are currently enrolled in college, it might be easier than you think! 

• Take courses in Anthropology, Sociology, Sexuality, and/or Public Health
• Check to see what your institution offers as far as student health services--they might just have a sexual health component that is peer driven or run. This is probably your best introduction for working in the field of sexual health
• Sex educators are often called other names; health outreach worker, student health worker, outreach worker, peer health adviser, peer health advocate, etc. 
• If you particular institution is lacking in offering the above coursework, you might want to consider the option of finding a professor who will supervise a independent study. I did this when there were no courses available in criminal justice. 

For those of you who are not university students, here are a few suggestions.

Read as much as you can!

I have an entire book case filled with resource books on human sexuality. I wouldn't so much bother with academic books used for human sexuality classes. Besides being super expensive, there are better books out there. Look for good, comprehensive books on sex and sexuality. Amazon has a shit load of books for sale, so look for ones that are highest rated. Alternatively, check out the book section of your local popular sex toy retailer (either in the store or online). By going to the well known and reputable sex toy retailers or websites, you are pretty much guaranteed to purchase the best books out there. 

 

Research and contact your local community health clinics.

These clinics are mostly around for people who have no insurance, are not super trusting of physicians, or rarely have access to good medical information. Many of these clinics specialize in HIV/STI testing and it is often a free service or people pay what they can afford. Check to see if they need volunteers or interns...they almost always will, but it will be unpaid.

See if you can speak to the Program Director for volunteers of the Program Director for health workers. If you get access to this person (email or a phone numbers are great things to know!) ask them where their staff receives their training. Get specifics about this. In some cases it might very well be a state-run training center. Get as much information as you can get without being a pain in the ass. I'm serious about the pain in the ass thing--sometimes health clinics or community providers need to "sponsor" your training, so don't piss off the person who could be your potential supervisor.

When I went through my HIV tester training, I was sponsored by API Wellness in San Francisco. They got me into the free training in return for me volunteering weekly as an HIV tester. Each week and for a few hours I spent time in their HIV testing clinic. The API testing clinic is a free service to the community. Of course, my time was unpaid and I was chaperoned by more experienced HIV testers. 

Consider becoming an HIV tester even if you aren't totally jazzed on the idea. You get actionable training that teaches you about diverse sexual activity, sexual risk, and how to talk to almost anyone about their sex life. I would only avoid this training if you are afraid of needles, as many of the newer HIV testing protocols require a Phlebotomy's (drawing small blood samples) certification as well.

Different community health clinics serve a wide range of demographics in San Francisco. Here, you will find health clinics that specialize in diverse populations like sex workers, women, transgender, gay, youth, youth who live on the street, Hispanic, African/Black, Asian, Native American, and other communities. Think of every possibility when making a list of the community clinics in or around your area. 

Consider contacting your local or semi local sex clubs.

Most cities have them, although they might be harder to find. You can try doing a google search, and don't forget to search the term "swingers" and "BDSM". Many sex clubs have affiliations with local community clinics. This means they community organization will provide on site HIV/STI testing as well as distributing free condoms and lube. I would suggest looking at their websites and seeing if they have a tab for resources. You might be able to get the information for who does the outreach, and then you know who to contact. You can always try to call or email them if they have their contact information on the site. If you happen to live in the area, you could also consider dropping by or making an appointment with the manager. 

Consider checking out the professional organization called AASECT.

It stands for the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. You can become a member if you are so inclined. It has a pretty extensive resources area where you can get more information about the organization, how to become certified as a sex educator, and much more. 

**FYI, I'm not AASECT certified, and I honestly don't believe it has hindered my particular professional development. It might be something to strongly consider if you happen to live in an area that is not so sex educator friendly.**

Check out your local non-seedy sex toy retail store and see if they are hiring.

Also, google it to see if there are any stores you might have missed or don't know about. Non-seedy sex toy retailers like Good Vibrations put an emphasis on education. All of their employees go through a mandatory (yet totally fun) training that focuses on how to best direct customers to the right sex toy, lube, erotica, pornography, etc.. If they are currently not hiring, try to find out who is the education manager. If you are persistent enough and polite then they will most likely have a resource or two for you.

Check out other the blogs and websites of other sex educators.

Many sex educators have what I call a "so you want to be a sex educator" post. Do not overlook these! They are rich in information and resources. Don't be shy about contacting those sex educators you most relate to. If you happen to live close to your favorite sex educator there is no harm in offering to buy them coffee or lunch. However, I absolutely caution you against having high expectations. Almost every sex educator I know is up to their eye balls with work. Emails are a huge time zap. If you don't get much traction with an email then try to connect with them on social media. It is pretty easy to build an organic relationship through Twitter & Facebook. 

Consider what type of sex educator you want to be.

Sex educators comes in many forms. Some work in sex toy retail stores, some work on HIV/AIDS hotlines, some work with a specific demographic, etc.. It became clear to me after doing my research that my best bet in becoming a sex educator was to work in the HIV/AIDS community. Remember, I followed the funding.

When I became a professional sex educator I found out that I was going to be working with individuals in one on one settings as well as groups of people. The funny thing about being a sex educator is that it is plausible to find yourself talking to individuals in a one on one setting one day while finding yourself on stage and talking to hundreds of people the next day. While it is a wonderful quality to have, not all sex educators have to be public speakers. 

If you plan on working within the public school system, then expect that you will not be doing a whole lot of sex educating. In order for me (and the agency I worked for) to be "school appropriate", I was required to take a workshop sponsored by the San Francisco school district. It was kinda lumped into information on nutrition and exercise. Most public schools require a parent's signature allowing their child to attend workshops/presentations covering human sexuality. 

Because all of this can be somewhat overwhelming, it might be easier to figure out your preferred demographic and then work backwards. 

Be wary of programs that require you to pay them money in order to become certified in sex education.

Like I mentioned above, most HIV/STI training is free to people associated with any agency that funds this type of work. This is not something that can be purchased, you need to actually go through the training. AASECT members pay yearly dues to be associated with them, but you can not buy yourself the title of "AASECT certified sex educator". The process of becoming one is exhaustive to say the least. 

If you want to become a professional sex educator then there is no way of getting around having to attend some sort of trainings or workshops on human sexuality. One organization named SFSI is well known for fostering new sex educators. SFSI (San Francisco Sex Information) offers training in comprehensive sexuality education. I'm an alum (2002). SFSI offers this unique training twice a year. The training happens on the weekend (both Saturday and Sunday), and lasts about 3 months. For what you get, the cost is pretty nominal. I think it is somewhere between $150 - $250 for the full training cycle. 

I know of no other program where you can pay money to become a sex educator. I would strongly caution anyone against a program that claims they certify sex educators. Seriously, even if they do "certify" you, consider that it is totally possible that the only organization that recognizes such certification is their own!

My first sex educator training was life changing, but it was also very intense and rigorous. It lasted all day long and for 2 full weeks. Because I was not currently working in a non profit organization (or anywhere else), I was required to pay out of pocket. By the end of the training, I was still unemployed but was now certified as a Community Health Outreach Worker (CHOW) in the state of California. Me saying that I really wanted to attend this training is an understatement! Once I found out about it, I was totally there. The fact that this training even existed was not easy to come by. I practically had to stalk someone who was currently working as an outreach worker to get the connection. Once I knew about the training, I was determined to make it happen. Happily, it was a wonderful way for me to meet people that I ended up working with (directly and indirectly) in the future. 

Here's the deal--theoretically, anyone can call themselves a sex educator.

I'm not sure if I have properly described how complex it was for me to track down who trains sex educators in the San Francisco Bay Area. It was also made more difficult because sex educators are mostly referred to as community health outreach workers. Even after I got the connection, I had to wait until the next cycle of training. I'm sad to say that the non profit agency that held the contract for certifying outreach workers in the State of California is no longer in existence.

Think about how becoming a sex educator will impact your life.

When it comes to sex educators, people have all sorts of ideas about what we do. Some think we are sex workers, some think we have sex in front of them, some think we get naked, etc..

It's funny that people don't usually make these types of assumptions if you replace the word "health" with the word "sex." Some sex educators are really fortunate in that their partner(s) and family support their work. From what I have seen, this is pretty rare. Most of the times the topic of sex and sexuality makes people so patently uncomfortable that they can't wrap their head around what we do. 

Also, in case I haven't made this perfectly clear, do not expect a big ole payday if you wish to become a sex educator. Many of my suggestions are for unpaid internships or volunteer work. Sex educators who work for community health clinics or HIV/STI non profits rarely make more than $14 to $20 per hour.

My first job as a professional sex educator included a round trip commute of 90 miles, working only 20 hours a week, and making $11/hour. Even sex educators who are pretty well known generally aren't rolling in money. It takes years to build up a reputation, and people generally aren't wanting to pay you a lot (if anything) for the information you have amassed.  

Oh yeah, expect that others are going to be very curious about your own sex life and sexuality. Essentially, there is no right or wrong way of dealing with this. You can contribute as much or as little information as you wish when people ask you about your sex life. And trust me, you will get asked!

As far as I'm concerned, one of the most important qualities of being a kick ass sex educator is being sex positive. Almost everyone has their own definition of what it means. I see it as being curious, open, and able to acknowledge that sexuality is an entire spectrum. It's important that people don't walk away feeling as if you have judged them and what type of sex they have. This means that you need to be able to (and with ease) talk openly about sexual activity that you are not personally into.  

Even though this is a wicked long blog post, know that I am not perfect and probably have left out some key points. I will update this post as other stuff comes to my attention. 

Wishing you the very best of luck!

 

You can also access this information under my blog "pages" on the far left column. 

Things My Anus Doesn't Need

Followers of my blog are aware of my deep fixation with all things anal. Yes, it is a bit odd, and this is particularly true because I'm personally not the biggest fan of receiving anal sex. I've said it before and I'll say it again--I like the idea of anal much more than the reality of anal. 

In any event, I could not let the month of August pass (after all, it is anal health & sex month) without dedicating at least one blog post to a topic I am known for going on and on and on about (starting to get the picture?) 

The anus is the lower end of the rectum where bodily waste exits the body. It is controlled by 2 sphincters that often work in opposition of one another. Most people have pretty good control over the lower sphincter--fyi, I'm squeezing mine right now. It's the inner sphincter that has a tendency to go rogue on people. This is the single most important reason to never, ever, ever, ever, stick something up your ass that doesn't have a base or a flange.

Remember that the anus is a hungry orifice (think about the board game Hungry Hungry Hippo), and it can also be greedy. It is completely possible for items to get lost in your body--this is often the time in which you hear the term "foreign rectal object removal".

Now that we can agree that one shouldn't stick various household supplies or even sex toys that aren't intended for anal use up their bum, let's move on to what other things my anus does not need.

Anal bleaching:

Ahhh, good ole anal bleaching. I almost certain you have heard about it before. Is it due due to more people shaving their entire genital region? It is because more and more mainstream pornography contain anal sex scenes? My humble opinion is that the phenomenon of anal bleaching is due party to what I mentioned above and partly due to genital shame. 

Coloring of and around the anus has almost nothing to do with cleanliness. Hormones, ethnicity, and age can affect the melasma (pigmentation) on our body. Think of it as being similar to age spots on the hands, only these are on and around your anus. People of all ethnicity have been using whitening or skin bleaching creams for decades. The most common of bleaching ingredients is something called Hydroquinone. It's effective, but researchers have long stated that frequent use can cause some serious side effects including cancer, liver, kidney, and mercury poisoning. Ok, now that I mentioned mercury poisoning, I'm automatically thinking about the douchey actor Jeremy Pivens who left a stint on Broadway early claiming he had mercury poisoning. 

But I digress.

There are all sorts of anal bleaching kits you can purchase off the internet. Also, many day/medical spas have begun to offer genital bleaching. If you ask me, none of this is particularly good news. 

Anal bleaching, even when using products that are less harmful or potent than Hydroquinone, is NOT a trend I can get behind. At the very least you may end up with a painful, irritated, and inflamed anus. At the worst, you could end up with cancer. I've heard some people claim you can get something called anal or rectal prolapse from using anal bleaching products, but I haven't been able to find research findings to verify it. 

 

Anal stretching:

This is something I have only found out about very recently. Ok, you know those people you see who have made body modifications by enlarging the lobes of their ears? Yeah, that is pretty much the same idea behind anal stretching. 

There is a whole online community of people who are into anal stretching. There is also a popular porn genre that pretty much involves extreme anal stretching or gaping. For those who are interested in this, you can also purchase dilator sets to better help train your anus into a larger orifice. While I'm not personally into anal stretching, I would highly recommend checking out some of the online communities before you embark on an anal dilation adventure. Remember that the anus is controlled quite nicely by 2 sphincters (the outer sphincter and one deeper inside the rectum). Repeated anal stretching can result in bad things. 

What do I mean by that?

Anal (rectal) prolapse is at the top of the list. Some people find that they have caused permanent damage to their outer sphincter which can result in having a floppy anus and the wearing of adult diapers. 

 

Numbing creams:

You've probably heard about the product anal-ese. For those who are new to anal-ese, it is a lubricating cream that helps desensitize the anal area during anal penetration. Proponents of it say it helps make anal sex more pleasurable and pain-free. Anal-ese isn't the only game in town. There are lots of other numbing creams, sprays, and ointments on the market that are specifically targeted for anal sex. 

My issue with numbing creams is this--rectal tissue is highly sensitive and is prone to tearing. Numbing that area can delay pain signals that alert you to possible injury. And yes, it is completely possible to engage in anal sex that results in some significant damage to your anus, rectum, and sphincter.

Anal play can be incredibly hot and erotic when done in a way that is safe, consensual, fun, and informed. Many people consider their anus to be an "exit only" orifice, while others look forward to engaging in anal play with anticipation and zeal.

In any event, the items above are all things my anus doesn't need. 

P.S. If you enjoy my blog, please consider nominating it for the top 100 sex blogs of 2012. All you have to do is follow this link and write in that you nominate my blog (Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator) www.blog.catherinecoaches.com. Thanks!

Freaking Fantastic Fellatio Feedback

Some of you know that I presented my favorite workshop (yep, it's on fellatio) for The Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles. I was told that this is their most requested and most attended of all their workshops. In fact, it is such a popular topic that The Pleasure Chest tends to offer it on a monthly basis. 

Now, I'm a pretty confident gal. The fact that I have never presented for The Pleasure Chest before coupled with the fact that my website comes up first when you google the phrase "fellatio workshop" resulted in me being more than a bit nervous. I figured that even if I bombed at least I know I am entertaining to watch. 

The workshop went incredibly well. People were engaged and listening, and several participants even brought their own cucumber (something I encouraged) to practice on. I have about 30 demo dildos, but there were about 80 people in attendance. It also helped calm me down when I looked into the audience and saw that one of my friends was able to make it. Thank you Hercules! By the way, he was a fantastic assistant!

When you become a sexuality speaker, you tend to become limited in what you offer to the masses. Simply put, a lot of my friends and colleagues offer fellatio workshops. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have anything new, different, or exciting to add to the mix. 

That is why I was sincerely shocked and delighted to get the following email from a guy whose significant other (female) attended the workshop.

Hi Catherine,

I just wanted to say thanks from afar, for your fellatio class that you gave a few weeks back @ The Pleasure Chest in LA.  Wow. Some eye-popping new sensations, thanks to what she learned in class. At one point, I simply had to ask her to stop as I was in stimulation overload. Awesome! Thank again!

My heart danced after I read this! I have always known that I give what I call "world class fellatio". It makes me so happy to know that there are other people out there who learn what I have presented and then enthusiastically incorporate it into their sexual lives. 

Not bad for a day at the office!

P.S. I am looking to get more testimonials from this particular workshop. You can make them anonymous, but I would like to eventually add them to my website testimonials. If you attended the workshop, liked what I did, and are open to putting pen to paper, please send me an email to catherine@catherinecoaches.com.

P.P.S. Thank you to the Pleasure Chest for hosting me!!!

Catherine Does the Pleasure Chest

I'm super excited to be presenting for the first time at the Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles. It also happens to be on one of my most favorite topics....fellatio!

The workshop is this Wednesday night (7/11/12) at 8:00pm and it is totally, 100% FREE!

Here is a short description of what will be happening

Join us as we tackle the biggest myths surrounding oral sex, and discuss how to overcome all the hang ups that keep us from truly enjoying the experience. This workshop comes chock-full with tons of educational information covering male pleasure, anatomy and much, much more. You’ll also learn Ms. Toyooka’s 3 top techniques for making your partner moan with pleasure. This fun, interactive workshop is open to everyone. Bring your own cucumber to practice on if you like.

I'm bring a shit load of dildos, flavored condoms, and strap on harnesses so we can practice in small groups. I don't have nearly enough dildos to go around, so I suggest you bring your own cucumber or zucchini to practice on (and yes, you can even name it!)

Can't wait to see you this Wednesday night so we can suck it together!

Catherine Does iVillage.com

So I have to admit that my work on my sex glossary has come to a slow crawl--yeah, it's not going so great. 

A few weeks ago I was delighted that someone found my glossary and asked me to help contribute some sex terms they were together for the website iVillage.com. I didn't know this, but apparently iVillage is the women's site for NBC. Kate was super sweet and buttered me up by saying she found my sex glossary to be "hilarious & fascinating to read!" And just for the record, this is my preferred way of being approached.

The article "Quiz: Test Your Sex Terms Knowledge! Sexual Slang You Need To Know" is now live. It looks like they used my definitions for 6 of their terms.

Head on over to check them out!

I'm going be working like a bunny for the next few weeks on finishing off my glossary. My plan is to get it done by the time I go on vacation the end of August. Don't worry, I'll be back to my regularly blogging soon enough. 

Also, let me know if you have specific words you would like to see defined in my sex glossary. 

Catherine Answers a Fact Checker's Questions

I was recently contacted by a "fact checker" at one of the most well known magazines in the country. I was surprised for three reasons--1) I've usually only been approached by on-line magazines, 2) the fact finding questions were collectively a hot mess, 3) the magazine said they have their own on-staff sex expert so asking for fact checking was just, well, weird.

Since I'm pretty sure my name will not be associated with the story, I'm going to let you in on the type of questions I got. Side note--fact checkers are most likely NOT going to give you credit for the information you provide or a lovely link back to your website.

These are the exact questions (remember, they have an in-house sex expert):

1. What physiological effect does a cock ring have on male genitalia & what does that impact look like?
2. What generic exercises (not Kiegel) (spelling) could benefit a couple's sex life & would core workouts work well?
3. Do women generally prefer high or low voices re: dirty talk? (This is admittedly very subjective but given your experience, have you noticed a preference?)
4. How does a prostate massager work? Would it be accurate to say that it would make the male member larger during use?

My answers:

1. Cock rings are really fun and meant to temporarily inhibit the flow of blood out of the penis. This is a great choice for men who are dealing with erectile dysfuction or who are older in age. Blood flow in general decreases as we age. For new cock ringers, I suggest using a ring that is adjustable and quickly removed and then only using it for about 20 minutes. Cock rings don't make your cock bigger, they are meant to temporarily provide harder erections. Some men like using them in front of their testicles and some prefer to place the ring behind the testicles. It is really up to the user. Using lube is great when putting on a cock rings because it decreases the chance that your skin will chafe.
2. Hmm, hard question for me to answer as I'm not a personal trainer and horribly out of shape. 
3. Women tend to talk dirty when engaging in sexual activity more than men. Women, and this is especially true during the time in their cycle that they ovulate, are more drawn to men with lower voices. It depends on each person individually, but I suspect many women prefer a deeper voice (this is partictularly true from an evolution stand point) over a man with a high voice. 
4. Prostate massagers, most of the time, are used internally. They are a very specific sub group of sex toys that are usually found in the butt plug or anal toy section of sex toy stores and websites. Prostate massagers are curved in a way to maximize stimulation of the prostate. In fact, some men can ejaculate from prostate stimulation alone--meaning the penis need not be stimulated, stroked, or caressed. Prostate stimulation is great for your health and men who engage in more prostate play are less prone to prostate cancer. It is common for the blood flow into the penis to be temporarily diverted to the anus. This is when it's common for a man to lose his erection. When the person realizes what is happening and that something is in their butt, the blood flow usually returns to the penis. I've not heard of prostate massagers making the penis harder--if that were the case, a lot more men would participate in prostatic sexual play. 

How Stand Up Comics Are a Little Like Sex Educators (According to Me)

I've kind of had this notion floating around in my head for a while now. Because I grew up close to Chicago, I have a love of comedy thanks to Second City. In fact, on of my favorite things to do is to watch live comedy shows. Comedy Central used to have much more stand up programs, and now it seems like they are few and far between. 

Because I have such affection for stand up comedy, I'm posting some personal photos I've been lucky enough to snag! Their names in order are Guy Branum, John Caparulo, and Chris Hardwick.

It may not seem like the 2 are remotely similar, but allow me to explain. 

Before I get into it, remember that this is merely my personal experience and general impression of the sex educator community. My involvement in the community is far from normal, and I am not intending to speak for anyone else. 

My experience as a sex educator and speaker has many parallels to stand up comics because much of our success is dependent upon our audience.

One of my most frequent workshops is called "The Physiology of Sexual Pleasure & Sex Toys (aka Oh Yeah! Right There!" 

Even though all of my workshops are custom tailored to what the organizer requests, I tend to utilize a lot of the same material. For this particular workshop I talk pretty extensively about pleasure anatomy and how sex toys can be used to enhance solo or partnered sex.

It is not uncommon for me to present this particular workshop on any given Tuesday and basically nail it. The audience is highly engaged, acts appropriately, and many participants hang around after my presentation to talk with me. I can give almost the exact same workshop (and many times for the same organization) a few days later and personally feel like I sucked as a sex educator. Keep in mind that I am talking about the exact same concepts, bring the exact same sex toys, and structure my presentation the exact same way as the one a few days prior. What makes me feel like a failure or that I bombed that workshop is a total lack of audience participation, participants shouting out really inappropriate things while I'm presenting, and basically asking me questions about my personal sexual life that fall into the "douche bag" category. Examples of this would be: "You much have a huge vagina don't you?!" or "Man, you really like to talk about sex, you must be pretty slutty."

I've been presenting sexuality workshops for almost 10 years. This sort of thing doesn't happen all that often...seriously, thank god for that...but when it does, it has made me question and basically ruminate over what I did wrong. 

Here is what I have come to understand about being a sexuality speaker:

• You are NEVER going to make every single participant and organizer happy. The most I can attempt is getting the majority of the audience on board. Most of the time I tend to have more than a few very active and participatory audience members who are absolutely interested in what I have to say. 
• I have to surrender to the reality that not all my workshops are going to be home runs. I might be feeling under the weather, I might have forgotten particular sex toys or part of my agenda at home, the room might be less than optimal, some participants may fall asleep, etc. 
• My goal is that participants either remember or learn only 1 new thing after attending my presentation. While I would love to have participants remember a whole lot more, I know that I tend to provide A LOT of information in a short amount of time. If they only remember one of my sayings like "the anus is a hungry orifice (think of the game hungry hungry hippo)", "orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing", "lube is your friend", "women and men have the same amount of erectile tissue", or "if you stick something up your butt that doesn't have a base or a flange, and it passes the point of no return, no amount of wishing, praying, or straining is going to make it come back down--this is time for a visit to the ER"
• I don't need to re-work my entire presentation if one workshop happens to fall flat. My content is solid, good, and accurate. I've either mis-judged the audience, spoke to an audience that was expecting something different, or simply presented in front of an audience that is non participatory. 

It's also my experience that the sex educator (much like the stand up comic) community is difficult to navigate.

Here are some of my observations:

• Like certain comics, certain sex educators appeal to a specific demographic
• Like comics, some sex educators are worried that others will use (which is really just a euphemism for steal) their content
• Like comics, some sex educators are jealous or envious of what others have going on
• Like comics, some sex educators question why certain people who are new to the scene have found success without necessarily "paying their dues"
• Like comics, some sex educators travel very far and often on their own dime to get work 
• Like comics, many sex educators get paid a ridiculously low salary
• Like some comics, some sex educators are great in front of a crowd, but are actually very shy and find it more difficult to connect with people on a one on one basis

Again, what I have written above is directly related to my experiences. I do not wish to speak for anyone else. It is completely possible that someone reading this will think I'm full of shit because they have had a much different experience. 

My final parallel between comics and sex educators is this: We are both doing work because we wish to bring more laughter, pleasure, and fun into peoples lives. 

More Things People Don't Tell You About Sex

A few weeks ago I posted a blog article about what people don't tell you about sex. The topics of sex and sexuality fascinate me because there is so little collective knowledge out there for people to access. Even so, much of the information out in the universe is pretty crappy. 

I'm thrilled that I can use my blog to help educate and entertain people about subjects that are typically thought of as taboo. 

Here are a few more things about sex that no one ever tells you. 

• Masturbation is healthy and good for you! I was an early masturbator. I learned that it is a private thing and not something that I should do in the family room (what can I say, I liked rubbing myself on our couch). I don't remember ever being told it was bad or unhealthy. Masturbation is fabulous for lots and lots of reasons. As a sex educator, I think it is so important for people to be able to bring themselves to orgasm. Masturbation puts you directly in touch with your own sexual response cycle. This can be a scary thing to those who have grown up with the belief that masturbation is dirty. My personal thought is that female masturbation is talked about less because our genitals are mostly hidden. This can give someone the feeling (whether it is directly said or implied) that female genitals are dirty, gross, or any number of equally disparaging descriptors. 
• Masturbation can result in deeper, more robust orgasms than having partnered penetration! The majority of my orgasms while masturbating are pretty freaking amaze balls. There are times, of course, that partnered sex can result in fabulous orgasms. The fact that I know my body (and the way it responds to sexual stimulation) so well is a huge factor. Simply put, no one can make me orgasm the way I can, and that it totally ok. 

If you want to see a hilarious bit about masturbation vs. partnered sex, check out this video from a Wanda Sykes stand up bit. For those of you who lack patience, skip ahead to the 2:40 mark. 

• Genitals come in all shapes and sizes! This is huge! Genital shame  is not only very real, it is one of my most favorite topics. Classic medical text book drawings and most of the mainstream pornography shows genitals in a very specific way. Labia are small, pretty, proportionate, and pink. It's great if you have this type of labia, but it really sucks if you don't. Factors like your ethnicity and having had a vaginal birth can affect the way your labia look. As someone who is half asian, my labia are different from the "norm" because of my skin pigmentation. I also have larger labia than the "norm". At one point, I even asked my ob/gyn about labiaplasty and the reply I got was less than encouraging. This is what he told me (I now see a fabulous female doctor) "well, they're larger than normal but definitely not the largest I've seen." Now my philosophy is that, unless your lips are so large that they get in the way of zipping up your pants, labiaplasty is a huge waste of money. The scar tissue as a result of surgery can also de-sensitize your labia, and that is something many physicians don't tell you about either. When it comes to male genitals, there are a few different types that are considered the "norm". Medical drawings show flaccid penises that (in my humble opinion) are pretty long and most porn movies show hard penises that are pretty darn big. Ethnicity can make a big difference when it comes to the color of your penis. Many ethnic men have penises that are significantly darker than the color of their skin. 
• Porn is not sex education! Now let me be clear, there are some really good sex education videos out there. What makes them different from random pornography is that they are specifically labeled as sex education. People on the screen may very well be porking each other, but there is usually some sort of introduction to the activity or even voice overs telling you what the people are doing. It is disturbing to me as a sex educator that people look to porn as education. Porn is made to be as visually stimulating as possible. Pornography is not reality and the performers are sexual athletes. 
  
• The majority of women can not reach orgasm via intercourse! Estimates are that between 20% and 30% of women have the ability to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex. Even so, orgasms are never a guarantee. In case you missed it, that is a pretty significant number of women! This can result in some pretty frustrated women (and their partners). Thankfully, many women find that using a well placed clitoral vibrator can get them over the non-orgasmic hump. 
• Sexuality is fluid! This may be a shocker to some. I'm the first to admit that I have experienced some strong sapphic lust. As someone who is 40, I can see that I probably had some of those feelings years ago, but was never comfortable enough to articulate them (much less act on them). Just like our preference for food can change as we age, our preference for what type of sexual behavior can change. 
• Sexual behavior/activity is not the same as sexual identity/preference! I get the "am I gay?" question A LOT. Many heterosexual folks get really confused if they happen to enjoy a sexual activity that is deemed "gay". A dude who enjoys getting "pegged" or anally penetrated with a strap on dildo isn't always and necessarily gay. Sexual behavior does not always correlate with sexual identity. Yes, there are definitely men out there who love getting pegged and self identify as gay. Think about this: enjoying Chinese food doesn't necessarily make you Chinese any more than wearing make-up makes you a female. 
• Everyone has body image issues! Repeat after me "no one thinks about you more than yourself." Most of the time we are so consumed by our own body image issues that we have little time to dissect and judge whomever we are sleeping with. As a dating and sex coach I know that men are super afraid of rejection. They also tend to spend a disproportionate amount of time worrying about their penis size and if they are able to satisfy their lover.  
• The vast majority of people who have an STI don't know it! Most research estimates that between 70% and 90% of people who have an STI are not aware of it. If left untreated, many STI's can cause major fertility and other health complications. At the very least I recommend getting a complete HIV/STI screening on an annual basis. People who engage in barrier free sexual activity or have several partners (and don't know the status of their partners) should be tested every 3 to 4 months. 

I know that I am probably only touching the surface of what people almost never tell you about sex. Feel free to leave your personal comments below (hint, hint).