Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

My Big "Aha!" Moment

I'm calling it my "Aha!" moment a la Oprah, but you can also call it my big "D'uh" moment.

I've written about how I've recently gone through an unusually difficult period for me. Depression (check), doubt (check), despair (check). Lots and lots of people struggle with the exact same feelings, yet, like sex and sexuality, we aren't supposed to talk about it. Normally I am a pretty resilient person, but it was this particular trifecta of emotions that set me up for a perfect shit storm. 

I was raised in a very proper way, but I have always had a duality to me that has been hard for me to reconcile. My father is a very quite, well mannered, highly intelligent American born Japanese American doctor. My late mother was a gregarious person who was also highly intelligent (she had a photographic memory), yet she was a bit unruly and inappropriate.

Basically when I was growing up I was was guided by principles that were not always congruent. My father believed that children should be seen and not heard, and that you should not rock the boat. This totally made sense to me once I was old enough to find out that my dad and his entire family was interned during the war. On the other hand, there was my mother who believed that you should always stand up for yourself.

One part of me has always longed to fit in, be accepted, and be liked. Another part of me has always been unruly and sometimes I barely care what or how people think about me. In other words, my usual interactions with people include a lot of me telling them or thinking they can "suck it". I now see that this pattern has weaved in and out of my adult life. 

I totally admit that it is fucked up for me to occasionally get caught up on being liked. Why? I have never truly enjoyed the company of people who are universally liked. I never got the the sense that well liked people were authentic because they were trying too dang hard to keep up the status quo. But worse, I often said to myself "...god damn, can this person really be that great? And if so, they certainly don't need me to like them or be their friend so, guess what fucker, I won't." 

As a sexuality educator I have, at times, felt extreme pressure to fit in with other people who do what I do. This includes using terminology that is inclusive to the point of being exclusive. When I first became a sex educator I had the most amazing feeling of belonging somewhere. My personality and dirty mouth has always been a challenge for me when I worked my previous jobs. I always felt like people only got to see the outer shell (i.e. appropriate) of who I am. Let me put it this way, the concept of "sugar coating" my words is beyond the grasp of my understanding. I know no other way to be besides blunt. That's why initially working in the field of sexuality felt like freedom to me. 

My feelings are that working in the sexuality field comes with some unwritten "standards and practices". And for too long I have allowed myself to get stuck on the political part of my job. I'm guessing that is a direct result of me being brought up to act appropriately. But what I really love about myself is that I am utterly not appropriate.

My "Aha!" moment was this--people began to respond favorably to me when I was being my most authentic self. Not a proper, total politically correct version of myself. In fact, the response was not only immediate but the numbers alone were staggering.

I am a wonderful, flawed, yet perfect combination of many things. I no longer feel like I have to be one or the other. I am equally professional and unruly. I am both compassionate and ball busting. I am feminine yet think more like a man. I want to be liked but would prefer to be respected. And one of the most powerful realizations for me has been my best friends telling me matter-of-factly that they have never fit in anywhere either. Incidentially, I happen to have some of the most amaze-balls, intelligent, hilarious, and all around kick ass friends on the planet. 

Figuring out who you are can be a life long journey. I feel like I have always known who I am deep down, but was never secure enough to be myself full time. In fact writing this particular post feels a little too personal and too honest. But if you think about it, it is 100% Catherine. 

p.s. If you don't like it, then suck it!

 

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and Sexuality

While I do not have MS, I have become one of the few sexuality educators who presents workshops specifically around MS and sexuality. In the past, the majority of my sex and disability workshops have been focused around the HIV/AIDS community.

I am someone who is constantly trying to expand my knowledge when it comes to sex and sexuality. I decided to throw myself into finding out as much info on how MS affects sexuality. I quickly found out that there is not a whole heck of a lot of information available. Curiously enough, the best resources on MS and sexuality come from the MS Society in Canada. I'm also gonna brag here and say I've presented this workshop for 2 of the finest medical hospitals around, Stanford and UCSF. 

What I have learned is that MS is one of the most common diseases that affects the central nervous system. Our nervous system is made up of a complex system of nerve fibers that are surrounded by a protective sheath called myelin. MS occurs when the protective sheath (myelin) becomes damaged and communication between the brain and the rest of your body become obstructed. Lesions can form on the spinal cord which can result in non-reversible deterioration of the nerves. 

Studies show that between 40% and 80% of people with MS experience significant sexuality issues, and it is higher than other chronic illnesses. Sometimes this means that people have to redefine what sex means to them. It can also make people with MS incredibly creative when it comes to how they have sex. Make no mistake, people with MS can experience fantastic and satisfying sex lives. 

There are 3 distinct categories when it comes to MS and sexual dysfunction. 

Primary sexual dysfunction:

• When lesions on the spinal cord impair and interfere the nerves between the brain and genitalia. Common side effects are altered genital sensations, decrease in intensity of orgasms, erectile dysfunction, decreased vaginal lubrication and engorgement, and decrease in pelvic muscle tone.

Secondary sexual dysfunction:

• This is when sexual dysfunction occurs as a result of MS symptoms or the medications that are used to treat MS. Common side effects are fatigue, spasticity, bladder/bowel disturbances, sensory changes of genitals that can cause numbness or severe pain, decreased levels of sexual excitement, and tremors.

Tertiary sexual dysfunction:

• This is when the psycho-social and cultural feelings and beliefs of having MS affects sexuality. Common side effects are lowered body image, grief, anxiety, depression, feeling like your body has betrayed you or feeling disconnected from your body, and feeling like you rarely have control of your body since MS can be so unpredictable. 

It can be pretty freaking hard to feel sexual with all this stuff going on. Hell, I'm able bodied and can tend to feel non sexual and have had lots of experience with low desire. Having MS can be extremely frustrating because of the fact that it is so unpredictable. This is hugely challenging when it comes to sexual activity. 

Here are a few of my personal tips for enhancing your sexual life with MS. 

• Redefine what sex means to you. Yeah, I can see how you might be scratching your head at this. Most people believe that the only way to have sex is to have penetration and end with ejaculation and orgasm. But boy oh boy, sex can be so much more than the act of penetration. 
  

1. Give yourself permission to find pleasure in your body
2. Allow yourself to feel sexy and have erotic thoughts
3. Experiment with lots of oral sex and digital (finger) penetration
4. Figure out through exploration what parts of your body are more sensitive than others
5. Challenge the thought that sex always boils down to penetration with ejaculation and orgasm
6. Allow yourself to experience pleasure without feeling like you have to achieve ejaculation/orgasm
7. Communicate with your partner what you need to feel safe in order to engage in sexual activity
8. Remember that sex is fun, sometimes awkward and messy, and often funny. Being accepting of these facts can help strengthen the intimacy you already have with your partner

 

• Talk to your doctor. Here's the deal--doctors get maybe 20 hours of training in sexuality during medical school. You may need to bring up sexuality with your doctor in stead of hoping they will do it. Medications to treat MS can absolutely effect your sexuality, so ask about what you can take (or add) so you can regain sexual feelings. Also, ask for testosterone testing. Low testosterone affects both men and women. If you use a catheter, know that sexual activity is totally possible. Make your doctor aware of your sexual activity so you can determine which type of catheter is best for your needs. 

 

• Try to schedule sexual activity for when you typically have the most energy.

 

• Avoid coffee, tea, other caffeinated drinks, and alcohol if you are scheduled to engage in sexual activity. Also, empty your bladder before sexual activity. Put some towels down before you engage in sexual activity. A little (or a lot) of urine isn't really a big deal when you think about the bigger picture. 

 

• Incorporate sex in the bathtub. We know that bathing in warm water prior to sexual activity can help reduce spasticity as well as relax your muscles and joints. You will need to have silicone lubrication for your sexy bath time play. However, it is very slippery so try experimenting with a little before using a lot.

 

• Try out different sex positions. Using pillows (both regular and ones made specifically for sexual activity) can decrease joint pressure. Rear vaginal penetration can be helpful for people who wish to keep their legs together. Having sex sideways doesn't put as much pressure on your bladder so many people find it enjoyable. If your male partner has MS and is unable to full extend his legs, try experimenting being on top.

I hope you have found this blog post to be useful.

If you did, I would love it if you left me a comment. Also, you might want to consider printing out this blog post and bringing it with you to your next doctors appointment. I'm going to follow up this post with my top sex toy picks for those who are differently abled, so please stay tuned. 

 

    

Catherine's Big Book Review "Free Love" by Thomas Kelleher

I admit that I am horrible at product reviews most of the time. I wish I could guarantee a 6 week turn-around, but that would just be setting me up for failure. This book review has been a long time coming. 

"Free Love--True Stories of Love and Lust on the Internet" by local author Thomas Kelleher is a very fun, quick, and interesting read. Although many of the people talk about using other dating/sex forums besides CL, it seems to be the main source of peoples stories. One part of me, however, is jealous that he put this information into a book because I have sooooo much experience with Craigslist (CL). 

I'm jealous because I pioneered online outreach to the young LGBT community in San Francisco in 2002. I presented all over the country about how engaging in risky sexual encounters was responsible, in part, for a growing number of HIV and STI cases. I also did what is now called "online outreach" where an educator takes to the internet to provide accurate information on sex as well as local HIV/STI testing sites. It seriously never occurred to me that it was a potential book idea.

But enough about me. 

What I really like about this book is the way it is formatted. Just like in CL, the chapters are designated into men for men, men for women, women for men, women for women, missed encounters, and casual encounters. The left side of the page shows the original ad or posting the person was using in order to find someone, and the right side (and, in some cases, pages) tells the anecdotal story of what happened in response to that particular posting. 

It's entertaining, compelling and voyeuristic. As someone who majored in sociology, this book is treasure trove of data on what it's like to have relationships, date, and have sex in the internet era. 

Because I have so much personal experience with CL, many of the original ads were a tad too familiar. Some of the anecdotal stories were also a bit commonplace, but I found them to be really interesting and kept me entertained.

The people in the book basically fall into a few different categories: people who were placing ads as a joke or a bet (in other words for shits & giggles), people who were looking for long term relationships, and people who were looking for sex. Lots and lots of sex.

I found it intriguing that a number of people never admitted or wanted it to "get out" that they used online forums like CL to find a partner. In all fairness though, it seemed to me that the people who were embarrassed about using the internet to find dates were in an older demographic and fondly re-called the good old days of having to place personal ads in the paper. 

More than a few people found real love online and are either engaged or married. A few posters met potential dates whose mental health was questionable to say the least. There were also a few red flags going off in my head when I read certain anecdotal stories. I'm not a therapist or mental health worker, but it seems like a few of the people who placed the ads could benefit from a couple therapy sessions. 

People have long loved the internet because of the feeling of anonymity. Yes they do! Engaging in cyber sex, sexy phone calls, steamy texts, and naked picture exchanges can be really intoxicating. It can also be a fabulous way to safely explore the depths of your personal sexual fantasies.

Talking about sex or what you want to do with someone online gives you much more courage than if you were standing next to that person. The internet can give you the confidence and assurance to vocalize thoughts that you might never say if you were in a traditional dating setting. Incidentally, I also think that online dating is a great way to negotiate what you are looking for, what you are willing to do sexually, and it is one of the easiest ways to broach the topic of sexual health. You can weed through people quickly to suit what you are looking for (especially if you ask the right questions), and it can also make the whole idea of rejection less personal. 

People also lie. A lot. The internet just makes it a hell of a lot easier to get away with lies for a longer amount of time. My personal experience is that, in general, women are always 20 pounds heavier and older than they report. Men, on the other hand, are always shorter, make less money, have less hair, and weigh more than they report.

People love sending the most flattering pictures of themselves, even if that picture is 2, 5, 10 or more years old. Not everyone does this, but many stories in the book "Free Love" talk about how a person was over 100 pounds more than what they stated or was bald or balding when they stated they had hair. 

On the internet, people love to pretend they aren't married or attached. Like I said before, the internet is intoxicating that way. Several stories address the horror of finding out the hard and unpleasant way that people who claim to be single are married or otherwise coupled. 

Of course, like any good gay, my personal favorite stories came from the men seeking men category. I always find it particularly interesting when a man claims he is "St8" (for those of you who don't know this term, it means straight) but wants to find a jack off buddy, someone who will suck him off, or someone who will let him top (after all, some people don't believe they are engaging in homosexual activity if they are not the person being penetrated). 

Internet dating has forever changed the way in which people meet, date, and have sex. The book "Free Love" gives you a raw and voyeuristic view into what internet dating and "hooking up" is all about. The bottom line is that no one wants to be rejected, are longing for a connection (even if it is purely sexual), and maybe, just maybe, fall in love. 

Are There Any Famous Women Who Look Like Me?

Growing up I lived in a really exclusive area called the North Shore of Chicago. Since I grew up in the 70's and 80's calling my neighborhood exclusive is really just a euphemism for "white". People were either (self identified) WASPY or Jewish. Seriously, it is not a surprise that all my sisters and I married Jewish men. As with many neighborhoods, it has become a lot more diversified, but that didn't help me much as I was growing up. 

Here's the deal: I guess I identify as mixed race. My dad is second generation Japanese American (born in America) and my mom is American born of German ancestry. Even though growing up a lot of adults repeatedly told me I looked just like my mom (who had blonde hair and blue eyes), the kids I grew up with told me I looked very Asian. I was reminded about this a lot and it was almost always done in a way that was intended to hurt me or make me feel bad about myself. 

When I was growing up models like Paulina Porizkova, Christie Brinkley, Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Tiegs, Jerry Hall, and Kim Alexis were super popular.

So, what's a non white girl who grew up in the 70's and 80's to do when looking for a role model who is 1/2 Asian? I guess the short answer is not much.

It's not a huge surprise that there were few famous people or role models I could look to and say "hey, that person actually kind of looks like me..that's cool." 

I'm happy to report that a bit of progress has been made in Hollywood! 

Here are a few of my favorite female Hollywood actors/personalities who are 1/2 Asian:

(above: Meg Tily)

(above: Jennifer Tily...yes, they are sisters)

(above: Shannyn Sossamon)

(above: Alexa Chung)

(above: Olivia Munn)

(above: China Chow--we both graduated from Scripps College)

(above: Charlotte Lewis--technically not Asian, but she looks it, so I included her)

(above: Phoebe Cates)

I know who my favorites are--Shannyn Sossamon (she looks a lot like a young Lisa Bonet) and Phoebe Cates. For anyone under 30, Phoebe Cates was basically the star of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (she had an iconic bikini scene), Gremlins, and Drop Dead Fred. She left the Hollywood scene in the 90's to raise a family with her husband, Kevin Kline. 

It would be lovely to see more people of color entering the field of sexuality. Almost all the well known people in sexuality are Caucasian. This fact hadn't even occurred to me until it was brought up in a presentation, and now I can't get it out of my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it's merely an observation that many people make. It's also one of the reasons why I am so passionate about promoting the work of other people who don't fit into the status quo. This is a shout out to Becca Brewer and Sandra Daugherty!

 

Teens, Sex, and Communication

As a sexuality educator, I know too well that abstinence only sex education doesn't work. Study after study prove it. More recently, it has been shown that youth who take a "virginity pledge" are merely substituting other high risk sexual activities in lieu of vaginal penetration. 

Let me be clear that I believe abstinence has a place in sex education--when it is part of a comprehensive sex education program. Being part of a larger conversation about sex and sexuality makes a lot of sense to me. It is the abstinence "only" part that drives me a little nutso.

I'm not a professional wordsmith, but I have enough knowledge to know that the word "withholding" is synonymous with "abstinence", which makes almost no sense to me. Seriously, think about it for a minute.

Communication is truly one of the most important tools anyone uses in their life. However, most people are never taught how to effectively communicate with...really..anyone. Peers, bosses, kids, family, and the list goes on and on. 

Using an abstinence only model (with virginity pledges) is really only getting youth to agree to something they don't consent to (as well as depriving youth from learning how to communicate around the topics of sex and sexuality.) Consent is difficult to reach if you are purposely leaving important information out. Maybe I'm a bit dense, but what is the harm with giving youth accurate information about sex education?

Learning to make good decisions is part of getting older, isn't it? Giving youth comprehensive information on sex education allows them to know what the risks are for pregnancy or HIV/STI transmission and how they can prevent it. I, for one, would be incredibly happy to never hear about a new season of "16 and pregnant" or "Teen Moms".  

I've worked with a lot of youth in my undergraduate (interning at a juvenile prison & interning with a juvenile probation office) and professional life. My post college work with youth has been as a case manager at a half-way house (in other words, youth who were released directly from prison), as a probation office (and an active participant in a "teen court" program), and working with both HIV positive and HIV negative youth in the San Francisco Bay Area.

In short, I have had a lot of experience with youth--everyone from LGBTQIQ youth who are marginally housed and homeless to students who attend some of the finest (ie expensive & progressive) private college preparatory schools. When it comes to college age youth, I've provided sex education to people attending community colleges as well as premiere universities like Stanford. 

Even though I am a non-breeder, I truly love being around teens and young adults. I hear so many parents complain about how they can't relate to their children and that they have no idea what they might or might not be doing sexually. The thing is, with me, I have the exact opposite effect with youth. Basically they tell me in intimate details who, where, and when they have hooked up with sexually. Some have even drawn me flow-charts...I'm not even kidding about this.

Maybe it's because I don't have my own kids that I am able to relate so well (and in such a meaningful way) to youth. Maybe it's because I am super awesome sex educator, or maybe it's because I am perpetually curious and am genuinely interested in speaking with them. Also, I may look younger than I am, but many of the high school youth I had daily contact with were young enough to be my children. So why is it that, in general, youth are so open to talking about sex and sexuality with me?

Here are a few of my thoughts on why youth are so willing to talk openly about sex with me. 

I relate to them on their level. Ok, so maybe this makes me a bit un-sophisticated and immature, but I can talk to most youth about almost anything. It usually starts out with me asking something like:

    "Whats going on at school?"

    "Are you interested in anyone in particular?"

    "What's the newest update with you, give me the 411",

    "Hey, are you thinking about college yet?",

    "What do you do for fun?"

    or even

    "So, have you been getting any penetration lately?"

Being that I am a super curious person, all I have to do is open the door with a few open-ended questions and the proverbial flood gates open up. I also come from a place that I recognize youth are sexual beings, which is something really difficult for a parent to conceive of.

I've figured out that there is an art to asking the correct questions. For example, If they say they have, indeed, had penetration, I will ask what kind, did they enjoy it, how do they feel about it now, is it with someone serious, do they need condoms and lube, etc. 

It's been my experience that youth are way smarter and intuitive than they are given credit for. The youth I have known are really open to confiding intimate details about their life because they see me as a trusted adult and/or ally. 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm advocating parents to go out and become their children's best friend. I mean, look at how well that has turned out for Lindsay Lohan and her mom. There needs to be some sort of rules or parameters, and those should be set by the parent.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want people to think youth gravitate towards me because they see me as their pal and, therefore, a push over because 1) If you know anything about me and my past work experience (see above), you know I am anything but a push over, and 2) I have never had a problem calling a youth out on their shit. My process looks something like this--we have a private conversation, we discuss whatever the issue is and I then communicate what type of behavior is expected from them moving forward, and then I drop it and move on. I've lost count the number of times youth were obviously squeamish to be around me after our little private conversation. They are usually blown away that I am still around for them after they have messed up. I think it is these type of instances where I have left the biggest mark on emerging youth. There have been many times when I (along with other youth service providers) have been the first healthy relationship a youth has had with an adult, and it is something I take very seriously. Being an active person in a teens life can have dramatic results, even if that time is limited to only a few months. 

I know that this might seem like a radical way of interacting with youth. Open and honest communication...how novel!  

I get that not everyone is going to have the capacity to do this. In that case, the best I can hope for is that those youth have some adult in their life who they feel comfortable discussing this stuff with.

Or, you can always send them my way. 

**Scarleteen, Sexetc.org, & Go Ask Alice are all wonderful sexuality resources!

What the Hell is Harm Reduction?

Harm reduction is probably one of my most favorite things about being a sex educator. Simply put, harm reduction means meeting people where they are at. 

Most people are familiar with the harm reduction concept because it is used in reference to alcohol and drug use. For example, needle exchange programs are, in essence, the perfect harm reduction model and here is why--people who work with needle exchange acknowledge that people are IV drug users (notice, there is no judgement here), and provide them with clean needles in order to decrease the transmission of HIV and Hepatitis C. Some needle exchange programs even distribute literature on how a person can shoot up in a way that is going to do the least harm. 

As someone who worked in the HIV positive community, I usually identify myself as someone who uses a harm reduction method when talking about sex education.

Ok, but what does that mean?

In a nutshell, it basically means that I acknowledge that most people engage in some type of sexual activity. Once I find out what type of sex they are having, I can talk about ways of minimizing personal risk or risk to others if that is something they are interested in.

In my case, the majority of the youth I worked with were either HIV positive or had an AIDS diagnosis, and sexual activity was the main mode of HIV transmission. The trend I noticed that at first surprised me was just how little HIV positive youth new about safer sex, much less about the HIV virus. This was one of those cases where people required basic sex education as well as specific sex education in relation to them being HIV positive (this is called "prevention with positives"). 

When working with HIV positive youth, harm reduction can be as simple as showing someone how to properly use a condom. It can also be incredibly complex and it can mean that you literally break down the level of risk involved in any sexual activity they participate in.

Many of the HIV positive people I worked with had their own harm reduction model--only they were not aware of it being a prevention strategy.

Hooking up online is really popular, and unless you met through a HIV poz website, you will most likely not know the HIV status of your newest partner. What I heard time and time again is because the HIV poz person didn't know their partners HIV status, they were more willing to "bottom" bareback. This works as a harm reduction method because 1) they already have HIV and 2) there is less risk of HIV transmission if you are "topping" bareback.

A lot of people take issue with this scenario because there is no HIV disclosure. However, believe it or not, this is harm reduction in action.

Engaging in barrier free receptive anal penetration is the most risky of all sexual activities when it comes to HIV infection. Offering up your ass constitutes harm reduction because it puts your partner at much less risk for HIV infection. 

There are A LOT of people who find harm reduction troubling. They may hold certain religious, medical, political, or personal beliefs that are incongruent with harm reduction. The best I could do was hope like hell that these people were not providing any type of HIV treatment, care, or advocacy for my clients. I would have never referred an HIV positive person to someone who doesn't subscribe to the harm reduction model. I'm also someone who tends to be super protective, so it was common for me to accompany my clients to their medical appointments. Because my dad is a practicing physician and my mom was a former nurse, I never had the weird or uncomfortable feelings many have towards medical treatment providers. In fact, I learned that growing up with parents in the medical field was a huge asset when it came to medical advocacy for others. 

I've mentioned this before, but it is my experience that disclosing that you are HIV positive is not always commonplace amongst some communities. Many people assume that if your partner doesn't say anything, then they are HIV negative. Also, many people never ASK about the STI/HIV/AIDS status of their partner.

For the record, I strongly believe that YOU need to be an active participant in your sexual health. This means getting tested regularly for all STIs. It also means talking with your partner (even if it is a one time hook up) about their sexual health history. Alternatively, you can use a barrier and stick to sexual activities that are less risky if you don't know your partners HIV/STI/AIDS status.

Let's face it, it is really difficult to make an empowered and informed decision about sexual risk if you don't know what parameters you are working with. Not talking about it doesn't mean that everyone involved is HIV/STI/AIDS negative.  

Most people who are not in the sexuality community find bringing up the topics of sex and sexuality to be really, really uncomfortable. I get it. It's not like anyone really teaches us this skill. However, I believe that the majority of your partners will be thankful for you broaching the subject. Incidentally, it is also one of those things that gets easier the more often you do it. 

Harm reduction, it's a really good thing!

Super Awesome Free Download!

About 5 years ago I met someone in person who knocked my socks off. Smart as a whip, confident, down to earth, fearless, and easy on the eyes are terms that come to mind when I think about Becca Brewer. 

Quite frankly, she was the bomb. She still is. 

You all are probably familiar with her name because I have used some of her "BeccasSexBlog" posts as she graciously allowed me to rerun a few that are my most favorite.

Becca is what I would consider a certified gold sex educator. 

Her newest venture is called "SmartHotFun", and you can find out all about her, the work she does, and how to contact her from her website.

Becca has taken the time and love to put together a super comprehensive set of charts called the Want!Will...Won't.Chart. This is an amaze-balls tool that helps you clarify exactly what YOU want when it comes to sexual activity. This chart can be used by anyone regardless of your current sex situation. Think of it as a kind of Yes, No, Maybe chart, only way better. 

Becca has given me permission to distribute her chart to my readers. You can download it from my website by going here. You can also get to it by clicking on the "Get Our Free Want!Will...Won't.Chart" button found in the upper left of my blog.

This pdf download will be sent for FREE to the email address you provide.

One word of caution is that this chart is the mother of all charts. It comes with a full set of instructions, and you can fill it out at your leisure. There is no time limit and you can feel free to share some or all of your results with your partner(s) when ever you are ready. If you never want to show the chart to someone you are sleeping with, that is totally alright. It is more of an empowerment tool for YOU.

Thanks Becca!

Everyone's a Sexpert

At least it seems that way. Lately it appears that anyone who is comfortable talking about the topics of sex and sexuality deem themselves sex experts or "sexperts", and it's high time I call bullshit. 

This blog post will probably upset many people. I imagine people thinking to themselves "who the hell are you to tell me I'm not qualified!" or "you're only bringing this up to make yourself look better." 

My answer to you is "hear me out." 

Here's the deal: When it comes to sex and sexuality, there is no governing organization. Affiliations with SSSS (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality) and AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) are the closest thing we sexuality folk have in terms of legitimizing what we do. My full disclosure is that I am professionally affiliated with AASECT, but not licensed. Yes, it would be lovely to have that certification in my back pocket, but I have found that it has never been an issue when it comes to my work. 

In the United States, there are only a small handful of universities that offer advanced degrees in Human Sexuality. Several of the people I know have both a Masters and a PhD in Human Sexuality.   

As someone who gets tons of inquiries on how to become a sex educator, I am noticing a bit of a trend. The majority of the letters I receive start something like this "I'm someone for whom talking about sex has always come naturally and I think I would be really good at what you do." I think it's great that some people seem to be born with an ability to talk openly about sex! But, it does seem a little like it minimizes just how difficult in can be to break into the field. It's almost a little like saying "Hey, I have always been great at arguing, so I think I'd make a great lawyer." Talking about sex, much like being able to argue a point, is probably the most tangible aspect for people to grab onto, but it is only a fraction of what makes someone a sex educator or a lawyer. 

I think there might be a bit of a disconnect in what it means to have a career in sexuality. For many people, it is a long process, and initially, there is very little money. You have to "pay your dues" which can takes years and years. Because the pay is low, many folks in the community are unable to have it be their only or even primary job. There are very few people who are well connected, good at business, and lucky enough to break into the field in an expedited way. I find that many people do this work because it is their passion and not because it makes them well known or rich. Those who are credible tend to be extremely hard on themselves, and always feel like they could or should be doing more.

As you probably know, my husband has his PhD in electrical engineering. In his particular line of work you almost never hear of people declaring themselves to be an engineer unless, in fact, they are. Somehow, when it comes to the field of sex and sexuality, having lots of it or being able to talk about it makes someone an expert. 

Becoming an expert in any field takes time. It's not something that magically happens overnight or after taking one or two workshops. I totally admit that I often feel like I still have LOTS to learn even though I've been in the field going on 10 years. 

Even though it doesn't seem like it, the world of HIV/AIDS research moves at an alarmingly fast pace. Newer and faster ways of testing, HIV treatment protocols, and research studies are just a few instances in how the field has changed since 2008. I would not feel completely comfortable re-entering the field as an educator unless I did some serious learning. 

I've said it so many times, but being able to talk about sex and sexuality is not the same thing as being sex positive. And just because you talk about sex, it doesn't mean you have your facts straight. There is a lot of misinformation out there, and some can be traced back to these so-called "sexperts". FYI, most of the sex educators I know are not huge fans of the title "sexpert", and very few would describe themselves as such. 

Where it gets tricky is that it isn't always easy to suss out the real experts from the fake experts. Any kind of credible-sounding advice from someone willing to talk about sex and sexuality is usually all that is needed to deem them an expert. 

Here are a few ways to figure out if someone is truly a sex expert:

• Look at their experience. Sometimes it can be difficult to find exactly what makes them an expert. Look for real life work experience in sex education, volunteer experience, professional certifications (like AASECT), and/or education. There is also a great community of people who are either doing or have done sex work. The knowledge they bring to the rest of the community is hugely important. 

 

• Is this person known in the community? If you call yourself a sexpert, yet no one has heard of you, that is a problem. References from other people in the field are one way of figuring out if the person is credible. References for your prior career aren't always going to be relevant or even appropriate for a career in sexuality.

 

• If this person is a presenter, where have they presented and on what topics. I've seen people charge hundreds of dollars for workshops on the same topics I cover but with no professional experience. Sometimes people will have wildly different backgrounds (corporate finance or corporate management, for instance) yet still fancy themselves a sexpert. Simply put, sexuality speakers speak about sex. A lot. 

 

• Is this person able to address YOUR community and needs? My body image workshops are going to look slightly different when I am presenting to a group of people who are currently on HIV medications. Why? because HIV meds can have some pretty startling side effects in terms of your body (like having fat magically migrate to other areas of your body).  

 

• What do you find when you google them?  

 

The topics of sex and sexuality are considered so taboo that people are literally yearning for accurate information! People sometimes stumble upon a fake expert who sounds legitimate, but they give advice that is not so great. 

Let's face it, talking and writing about sex can be wildly fun, exhilarating and meaningful. Calling yourself a sexpert is cute and catchy. Seriously, I get it. 

Almost anyone can call themselves a sexpert if they give advice like "show enthusiasm" or "be more open to explore with your partner". Unfortunately, it doesn't always make it so. 

Funniest TV Sex Scene In a Long Time!

I have fallen in love with the new comedy "New Girl". Yes, Zooey Deschanel is perfect as Jess. Jess is a Los Angeles area school teacher whose longtime boyfriend cheated on her which forced her to find new living arrangements. Jess carries a 'feeling stick' (as well as a back up feeling stick) around with her, likes to sing instead of talking, and is hopelessly sexually awkward. Case in point, she can only say the word penis if she is singing it. 

Because her boyfriend of 6 years cheated on her, she has had a difficult time moving forward with new sexual relationships. Justin Long was perfectly cast as her equally awkward new boyfriend. Jess's deal is that because she was cheated on, she is scared that the sex she had with her old boyfriend is not good enough or sexy enough to keep her new man interested. In fact, she gives herself a little pep talk (complete with high 5) in front of the bathroom mirror before she thinks she is about to have sex with her new boyfriend. 

 

As a sex educator, I can look at this clip with great amusement. It is hilarious to me for so many reasons. Over the years, I've had  a lot of people seek out my advice when it comes to the type of sex they are having, or wish to have. Common sexual anxieties I've seen are people feeling sexually awkward, having a lack of sexual experience or expertise, not knowing if they are attractive enough, and genital shame. No doubt about it, sex can be awkward. However, even in my wildest imagination, there is no way I could have come up with this sexual scenario. One part of me wants to jump in and say, "omg this would never happen", but anything is possible.

The combination of the ill-advised lingerie (that she wears over her underwear), the desperation to try new things (a little light choking and spanking are not a bad thing, but combining them together without prior conversation about it isn't the best game plan), and the use of some of the most non sexy fantasy voices resulted in a trifecta of awesomeness that made me pee a little because I was laughing so hard. 

 

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this particular episode is titled "Bad in Bed".

New Boyfriend Meeting the Family? Holiday Dos and Don'ts (Guest Blogger)

Hello my lovelies!

Thanks to the fabulousness that is twitter, I have become friends with a totally fierce woman.

Abiola Abrams (@abiolatv) is a force to be reckoned with! Since I would never be able to do her mini biography justice, so here is how she describes herself

Celebrity Love & Lifestyle Journalist

Author, Personality, Love &  Lifestyle Expert  

Abiola Abrams, your favorite bad girl + good woman, writes books, blogs and columns and broadcasts TV, radio and web series about love, lifestyle and pop culture. This year the love and lifestyle expert has been an MTV Teen Dating Empowerment Coach on the docu-reality series "Made," reported on celebrity news and relationships as a BBC Radio Entertainment Correspondent, been a featured columnist on love and sex for Yahoo Shine and celebs for Yahoo OMG!, talked about and written about love for Essence, blogged on her lifestyle site "Abiola's Passionista Playbook," and hosts/produces her own award-winning web TV series and advice vlogs.

Abiola's upcoming book, The Official Bombshell Handbook, is part humorous memoir, part fun handbook, about living with passion. Dare (Simon & Schuster), a hip hop love story, Abiola's popular debut novel was taught at Amherst College and her provocative writing has been published in anthologies such as Behind the Bedroom Door, Dirty Words: A Literary Encyclopedia of Sex, Say Word: Voices from Hip Hop Theater and Eve Ensler's A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer. 

She posted a blog on Yahoo Voices today and I have been lucky enough to get her permission to re-run it on my blog. 

 

New Boyfriend Meeting the Family? Holiday Dos and Don'ts

The holidays are upon us. This time of year can be stressful for many of us. If you're in a new relationship you may feel simultaneously excited and terrified. It can be an anxiety-inducing situation to be around your family by themselves. This year, however, you are bringing home a new beau. You love him and and you hope that your family does too. 

So, what can go wrong when introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to your family? Everything! 

The Dos and Don'ts Of Bringing Home A New Love: 

DO prepare everyone in advance. 

A surprise is great under the tree but when introducing a new partner to your possibly temperamental family you want to be as prepared as possible. If you know that Great Uncle Arthur is smelly or that your guy has a thing for getting into political fights, warn all parties ahead of time. Wouldn't you want to know before meeting your man's family that his dad may touch your hair and ask you whether it's real? 

DO ease into the situation. 

Your new squeeze may wish to jump in and immediately be a part of the fam but that's just not realistic. There are things about a family dynamic that an outsider, beloved or not, needs to ease their way into. If your brother teases your dude it's okay for him to tease back but he should not under any circumstance jump into the midst of or attempt to mediate a family squabble. 

DON'T stage anything. 

Don't put on airs or tell anyone what to say. Everyone and everything should be authentic. If you live in a gritty cabin in Kentucky don't splurge for a posh hotel spot solely for the purpose of impressing the new boo. If someone loves you they will love all of you, including where you come from. If they can't hack your family digs then they aren't for you. Better you find out sooner than later. 

DON'T be a nervous wreck. 

The holidays are meant to be fun, above all. The reason you are introducing these two parties to each other is that they are both important to you. Release the need for everything to be perfect. It won't be. 

Someone will say something they shouldn't. Someone else will pass gas at an inappropriate time. Whatever. It happens. This is not easy -- I'm talking to me as much as I'm talking to you. Things will go wrong but while you're up in your childhood bedroom crying about it you may be missing some of the best future memories of your life. 


Life is meant to be lived. Get your hands dirty and get in your game. Besides, after your sweetie meets the bunch of nuts you're related to you'll be meeting his family madness as well. This, is the game of life. 

Happy holidays!