Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Catherine Does Harvard

For the past few years I have lovingly referred to myself as "The Susan Lucci of Harvard." Gays and gals, you probably already know what this means. Straight dudes, here's the deal. Susan Lucci has been on a daytime soap opera for more than 25 years. In fact, she had been nominated 17 times for the "Best Female Actress" role, but had always lost. She finally walked away with the daytime emmy award on her 17th nomination. 

As a sexuality speaker, I have been contacted the last 4 or 5 years by the undergraduate school at Harvard University as a potential speaker for their annual sex week event. The way I understand it to work is that the committee sends out a half dozen invitations to educators who, for some reason or another, are on their radar. The committee meets and they make a final decision based on the experience of the speaker, the cost, and probably a lot more reasons I am not privy to. 

I had come to peace with the fact that I would never get to be a sexuality speaker at Harvard. Although I am a kick ass presenter this is what I am not; political, close to the sex educator community, politically correct. Let's face it, I'm a mixed race female whose been with my husband for over 21 years, and work is something I love to do much more than need to do. 

So color me surprised as shit when I was cordially invited to speak for the Harvard University Graduate School or Arts & Sciences. I'll also be meeting with the fabulous students at the Graduate School for Public Health, so that is just a wonderful added bonus. Probably the thing I am most excited about is the fact that I have been asked to speak to students who identify as people of color. In the past, I've made mention to the fact that, in over 10 years of being in the sexuality field, It's become abundantly clear to me that there are precious few speakers who appear to be of color. 

Here is the flyer the organizer put together to announce my speaking event:

In honour of March as Women’s History Month

the W. E. B. Du Bois Graduate Society

is happy to present:

“Self Image, Self Love & Self Pleasure:

 A Workshop for Women”

led by Cat Toyooka,

Human Sexuality Specialist

 

http://www.catherinecoaches.com/home.html 

Even in today’s world of high-powered business women, policy makers and educators, women of all ages and backgrounds continue to struggle with positive self-image and self love. This workshop, led by sexuality specialist Catherine Toyooka, is designed to encourage women to pose questions about their body to a sex expert, become more comfortable with the idea of self pleasure and gain confidence about ways to love ourselves both in healthy partnerships and as single women. Events are LGBTQI friendly and always high energy, interactive, educational, and entertaining. 

Catherine leads discussions with ice breakers, affirmations and lots of laughter. She stresses the importance of confidentiality and can answer endless questions about sexual health and STIs, how to combat body shame, tips for self pleasure and advice on how to improve intimacy in relationships. Thorough, patient, thought-provoking and humorous, Catherine’s workshops provide an excellent introduction to the world of our own sexuality.


Friday, March 1^st 

from 2-4pm at the 

Harvard College Women's Center, Canaday "B" Basement

 in Harvard Yard

I met the amazing woman responsible for bringing me to Harvard several years ago. It blows my mind that it was literally one interaction that happened about 4 years ago that was the impetus of a wonderful and supportive friendship. 

I'm sad that my BFF is not able to accompany me to the presentations. Harvard had been breathing down his smart and sexy neck as they were trying to court him into their Doctorate of Public Health program. It's funny, but I immediately thought of him when I knew the speaking engagement was a go. Somehow, I think I am better when he is around me. 

It's also makes me really sad that both my parents aren't alive to see their baby speak at Harvard. It's truly amazing how some achievements can be so bittersweet. 

I've got lots of packing to do, and I don't want to forget anything behind, so I'm going to wrap up this blog post.  

Hey, Guess How Long I've Been Married

I'll tell you one thing--almost no one ever gets it correctly! It's kinda like how much I weigh. I look smaller than I am. However, this blog post is not about my climbing weight brought on by major stress eating. 

Here's the deal. I've become acutely aware of how others view me in regards to being part of a couple over the past few months. When my husband got the news that he was sick, we embarked on exhaustive and comprehensive consultations with not one, but two different medical centers. 

I hadn't been working that much as I desperately needed to take time off when my father became sick. I had already been feeling like I needed some sort of break, and hearing about my dad, and his prognosis, seriously shook me to my core. 

Learning about my husband literally brought me to me knees (only this time it was not for the purpose of fellatio). I made a silent contract with him that I would support him as much as he needed and that included scheduling and coordinating doctor's visits, body scans, and his future treatments. Hell, I even threw in a verbal "I'll even see your family face to face" for good measure. Believe me when I say that this was no small gesture. My husband and I had decided years ago to segregate me from his family. It's less stress on him, and he doesn't have to worry about me face-punching a particular person while in the middle of dinner at a fancy restaurant. 

I've been through A LOT in my life, and I can tell you that there is nothing more excruciating than waiting for a diagnosis and treatment plan when it comes to a loved one. I can't express this enough. 

Something curious started happening once we were plugged into the 2 medical centers. My husband was still working pending a final diagnosis. What ended up happening is that he saw no less than 3 specific doctors at each medical center. Each individual doctor ordered at least one (if not two or three) additional tests. And guess what? All those tests need to be scheduled. It became very clear to my husband that the medical team were calling me a hell of a lot more than they were calling him. They had all met me at one time or another, so it didn't seem weird to me. But, it kind of felt weird to my husband. After all, he was the one who was sick, and I was getting all the medical calls. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't hurt or upset by this. He just found it amusing that I had so quickly bonded with the medical teams (he calls this my "super power"), and that they opted to call me first. 

Thankfully, he has completed his initial treatment. There is still much more to come, but I see this as a huge accomplishment. 

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have the option of stopping work. Working for myself allows me that flexibility, and I'm not sure what my game plan would have been if I were working for the "man". It became increasingly clear that the vast majority of the patients were alone when getting their treatment. Very few had a partner, family member, or someone else waiting for them in the waiting area. I know that everyone has their own set of circumstances, and many partners are simply not able to accompany their loved one to medical appointments due to work, children, and what have you. Again, I know my situation blessed me with the freedom to accompany my husband to all of his various treatments. I honestly don't know how people get through daily medical treatments without a strong support system. Being able to spend this time with him allowed me to help share the emotional, physical, and psychological distress of his diagnosis. 

To be honest with you, it never even occurred to me that I would NOT go with my husband (and drive the 90 mile round trip) for his daily treatments that lasted for 6 weeks. Even though my father had just recently passed away, I knew deep down that it was what needed to be done. If nothing else, I know for certain that I can look back upon this difficult time and admit that I did good by my husband. In fact, it was one of his doctors who noticed me everyday in the waiting area. This caused him to ask my husband about the frequency of my attendance. He was surprised to hear that I literally didn't leave his side since he has become sick. He also told my husband that he was "a very lucky man!" 

We both got to know the members of his medical team pretty well--at least as much as one can possibly connect with medical staff when seeing them 5 times a week for many weeks. Now, I've already mentioned that my husband and I look quite young for our age. After a few weeks of treatment, we began asking the staff how long they thought we had been married. Most said between 5 and 10 years. That is not at all uncommon for us to hear. The most wrong answer we ever got was from one of our most like-able physicians. His answer, after thinking about it a moment, was 3 years. I had no problem telling him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but that was the single most wrong answer we have ever heard. When he told him we have been married for over 17 years, he was quite shocked. In fact, I believe the next words out of his mouth were "wow...you guys still seem so happy." My usual response to this is that we are happily child-free.

I guess the point of the this blog post is having the realization that people can obviously see how much my husband and I adore each other. To many people, we appear to still be in the honeymoon phase. Thinking about this humbles me and brings a huge smile to my face.

I never expected my husband to become gravely ill, and having that occur at the same time of my dad's sickness was almost too much for me to handle. Luckily I have an amazing support system. I can not say this enough. The people in my life who have and continue to support me are doing the work of angels. 

This may be wishful thinking, but I would like to imagine that my husband has found new ways of falling in love with me. He has never personally experienced the "getting shit done" Catherine mode in this particular way before. His sickness has helped to solidify our relationship, but it goes way beyond that. Being able to get people in the medical world (and remember that they see a ton of people every single day) to believe we are still newlyweds is kinda priceless. 

Relationship Advice?

As people become more interested in me and my work, I've become acutely aware that my marriage is point of interest for many. For years I have known that people look at me with a quizzical expression upon hearing that I am married. Maybe I act too immature to be married. Maybe people have ideas that proper married women should not talk about sex and sexuality so openly. 

I've been with my husband for 20 years. Yes, that means that we met and fell in love in the fall of 1991 or our junior year in college (I had just turned 20 and he was *gasp* still 19). We moved in together after we graduated from the Claremont Colleges in 1993. We got engaged in the fall of 1994, and were married in the fall of 1995. For those of you who are bad at math, that means we have been married for over 16 years. 

Believe me when I say I'm not bringing this up to gloat about my own personal marriage success. Seriously, I'm not secretly saying in my head "I'm so great, nany nany boo boo." I've decided to blog about it because, in the past month, at least 4 different people have asked me how my marriage has been so successful. Granted, successful is one of those terms whose meaning can be very subjective, but it has definitely made me think about why and how I have been with my partner for 1/2 of my life. 

Here is what has worked for me. Some of the information might be useful, but some of it may not even remotely apply to your relationship. 

Pick the right partner: Good concept, don't you think? Granted, I have some impulse control problems (especially when it comes to jewelry, shoes, and hand bags), but I'm actually an incredibly practical person. Even though I was only 20 when I met my future husband, I had dated quite a bit, had multiple sexual partners (no, not at the same time), and had enough personal experience to know what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looked like. One of the main reasons I was confident I met the right "one" for me was because he was the only person I had ever dated where I couldn't foresee what circumstance would cause us to break up. Yes, I'm practical, but I am also a bit neurotic and tend to dissect and ruminate over people's behavior. Also, my husband was the most wonderfully consistent person I had ever met. Many people might not find this to be an attractive quality, but it was exactly what I needed in my life. 

Before we got married, we covered most of the basic "what do you think about" questions. It was important to me that he knew I was fairly certain I didn't want children. It was also
important to me that he understood where I grew up and how I was raised. Fortunately, he was familiar with the North Shore of Chicago, and Winnetka to be specific, because of his family. I'm the first to admit that I am a snob when it comes to many things, and a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. Iconic 80's movies like Home Alone (yes, that house really exists and it was not that far from mine), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Risky Business, She's Having a Baby, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club were all filmed in and around where I lived. Right or wrong, it was my reality. Having him visit me and my family made it easier for him to understand some of my personality quirks when it comes to living a certain lifestyle. I have no doubt he felt that I better live it up while I could because there was no way he would ever be able to support the lifestyle in which I had become accustomed to. Maybe I should just cut to the chase and admit that I am spoiled! There, is that better? 

Don't lose your identity: I've always been a fairly independent person. I'm not someone who stopped hanging out with my friends whenever I had a boyfriend. We saw each other for a few hours every day but mostly in the dining hall and after we were finished studying for the night. I graduated with a degree in sociology. He ended up with a PhD in electrical engineering, so it's not a huge surprise that I am more social than he is. He spends time with his friends during work lunches, and because I work alone and from home, I tend to see my friends after work hours. That means that he is often on his own when it comes to dinner.

He also knew that once we were wed I was not planning on taking his last name. My last name is fairly unique when it comes to the Japanese so it was important for me to keep it. Because I was teased and bullied over my name I kind of feel like I've earned it. My name--Toyooka is pronounced just like Toyota (but with a 'k'), so it was interesting being an adolescent when one of the biggest car companies slogan at that time was "oh what a feeling to drive....Toyota!"

Develop your own rituals: This can be a bit tricky to figure out if you are a child free couple. Spending holidays with your family can cause a lot of stress. Knowing this, my husband and I created a "family can suck it" Thanksgiving ritual. We begin by checking into our semi-local Ritz Carlton and then treat ourselves to the most luxurious and decadent Thanksgiving brunch in the history of the world. We usually spend 2 nights being pampered, ordering room service, taking lots of naps, and walking the beach. Granted, not everyone has the funds or desire for this type of pampering. Maybe camping or a quaint B&B is more your style. The fact remains that we always look forward to this time of year because of our mini-vacation. 

Rituals don't even need to cost you any money! We try to snuggle (I know, puke, right?) each night and talk about our day. Yes, we can get away with this particular ritual probably because we are child free. In a way, those few minutes of intimacy at the end of the day are the bread and butter of our relationship. 

Try to be spontaneous (if you usually are not): Since I'm a compulsive planner, I've always been the one in the relationship to plan all of our trips. Twice in the past year I've been pleasantly surprised that my husband took it upon himself to book us a quick one-nighter away from home. He would make the plans on Friday and on Saturday we were on our way. Sometimes you just need to get away and decompress. 

Remember why you chose them in the first place: Consider this an exercise in gratitude. After 20 years with someone, that intense passion and desire you feel at the beginning of courtship has a tendency to fade away. Recognizing this has been vital to my overall happiness. There are times when I simply have no desire to engage in sexual activity. I know this comes as a shock to most! During those sexual *lean* times, I try to be open with my husband about what is (or in most cases--what isn't) going on with my sexual state. During the times when we aren't sexually connecting, I continue to praise and appreciate my partner for who he is. Off the top of my head, the things I love most about my husband are: he is a freaking smartypants, he is lovingly patient with me and accepting of my personality quirks, he is incredibly good looking, he doesn't take himself or me too seriously, he makes me laugh every single day, and he always tells me he loves me--always.

We aren't a super-romantic couple by any means. What we are is thoughtful and generous. I also figured out years ago that my partner is infinitely smarter than I could ever be. I'm not knocking myself or saying I'm dumb. I just have a limited capacity to retain, understand, assimilate, and then call up information at a later date. Which is why I basically defer to him when it comes to big decisions. Yes, he is aware of this. No, he doesn't rub my nose in it. Yes, I can see the humor in someone so anal about things (me) willingly giving up control. Here's the deal: I figured that I would probably only be right about 20% of the time when it comes to disagreements so why not concede. 

Would you stay with your partner if you won the mega lotto? This is the real 30 million or 100 or 300 million dollar question. This is kind of similar to asking yourself the question "would I still marry this person if I had to do it all over again?" I'll be honest and tell you that I wasn't always so confident in my answer to this one. The fantasy of winning 100 million or more is pretty freaking intoxicating. We don't have children and we don't have a mortgage so, technically, I could take off with very little personal ramifications. I've since come to understand that the chances of me winning the lottery are about the same as me leaving my husband.

Dang, sorry for the long-ass post and for all the over-sharing! It's also the most intimate of my blog posts so I was pretty hesitant about posting it. 

I'm a Bragging B*tch

Asking people to write testimonials about you and your work is pretty weird. I think, for me, part of it comes down to the fact that I was raised to not gloat about oneself. I'm very aware of the saying "...no one likes a gloater!" 

Because I work for myself, I don't get to experience annual work evaluations. Actually, if I think about it, I haven't had a formal employment evaluation in many years. Work evaluations were less of a priority at the non profit I worked for between 2002 and 2008. Providing essential services to the HIV positive youth clients always took precedence (with good reason), and employees were sometimes only evaluated when a performance plan needed to be put into place.

Not being the beneficiary of work evaluations can be both a blessing and a curse. At the very least evaluations are a good way of celebrating what areas you excel in. They can also make you face the reality that you have specific areas for professional development. 

I'm not someone who needs constant approval. However, I am someone who relishes being acknowledged for doing great work. I mean, who doesn't?!

As a sexuality speaker I tend to have limited, albeit focused, contact with large groups of individuals. I spend between 75 and 90 minutes in front of a group and then go about the rest of my day. I tend to have very limited contact with most of the workshop participants after my presentation is done. I'm thrilled that, on rare occasions, I get to develop personal relationships with people who met me through my speaking engagements. 

Because I work for myself, there are times when I need to specifically request someone to write a testimonial about me and my work. Like I said before, it is a strange and weird request to ask someone.   

I'm usually quite touched and humbled by the testimonials people provide for me.

Here are a few of my most favorite testimonials:

"You can't ask for more folks! Catherine Toyooka is the BEST when it comes to providing an environment that is safe, secure, and comfortable when it comes to sex positivity. Catherine has done a handful of workshops for our LGBTQ youth program (AQUA) as well as our gay men's program (raMEN), and our clients in both groups beg each season to bring her back; and it goes without saying why. Her expertise, easy-going spirit, and fun energy are more than anyone can ask for in a speaker, coach, and mentor."

 

"I had a chance to see Catherine at a live podcast recording. Her warmth and humor really put the audience at ease with the intimacy of the subject matter (G spot). She has a lot of knowledge and information to give, and her first step is making sure that people feel safe enough to receive the information. She has an authenticity to her that is endearing and comforting. So much of sex education is openness and sharing, and Catherine make you feel like that openness goes both ways. She's not lecturing you on something you're doing wrong and need to do better; she's helping you to enhance what you're already capable of and facilitates you experiencing sexuality the way you already want to in achieving sexual fulfillment."     

"I had the pleasure of attending one of Cat's workshops at City College in San Francisco. She presents the materials in such an easy and comfortable manner, yet not flippant or goofy. She gives the topics around sex, sexual pleasure, and safety the respect they deserve but in a way that makes it comfortable for the audience to digest. This is not to say she is stiff or overly serious--her sense of humor has them in stitches too--Cat knows her stuff!"       

"I reached out to Catherine when I found myself facing a tough situation with intimacy in my own relationship of 6 months. I was frustrated, finding it difficult to voice my concern with my partner, and feeling completely alone in regards to who I could turn to with such a personal obstacle. Catherine responded with compassion and concern. She named a few possible roots of the problem, and suggested a number of resources and ways to address the issue, comfortably and at our own pace."

"Cat began our workshop with a few ice breakers, a WONDERFUL way to engage us and make us comfortable from the beginning. Also stressed the importance of confidentiality, a good message for young college women to have reinforced. Fabulous introduction. Cat was thorough, patient, open, thought-provoking and humorous."

Getting this kind of consistently positive feedback is crucial to the type of work I do. Yes, it can be uncomfortable and awkward for me to ask someone to provide me with a testimonial. I've learned that most people are more than happy and willing to provide me a testimonial if I ask them. What a concept!

What I appreciate most about these particular testimonials is the confirmation that I do a pretty great job at providing a safe environment for people to talk about the taboo topics of sex and sexuality. I'm also pleasantly surprised to see how good people are at isolating some of my personality characteristics that make me uniquely me.

I sincerely and wholeheartedly thank every person who has provided testimonials about me and my work! Your kind words mean more to me than I can ever put words to.

 

My Return to the Gay Community

After about a 4 year break, I finally found myself back at the agency I left in 2008. Bay Area Young (BAY) Positives is a little gem of a non-profit agency. BAY Poz holds the distinction of being the world's first peer-based non-profit agency serving HIV positive youth. I worked there between 2002 and 2008, and, although I was the one to leave, the agency still holds a special place in my heart. 

It's not as if I haven't been back inside the agency since I left. My BFF, who I had the most fortunate luck to meet while working there, remains the Executive Director. We try to meet for lunch every few weeks, but sometimes that turns into every few months. We trade off meeting down on the Peninsula with meeting in the city. Deciding to volunteer at the agency one day a week was a no brainer for me. Not only do I get to see my BFF on a weekly basis, but I can support the agency that meant so much to me. Also, between you and me, working on my own and mostly from home has begun to make me feel pretty isolated. I'm also really, really dismayed by all the youth who are taking their own lives because of being bullied just for being who they are. 

As far as the agency is concerned, not much has changed. It still mostly looks the same, but the staff turn over is pretty high. This is nothing new for the agency, and it warms my heart to see some of the people who are currently working for the agency. It is pretty freaking weird though when I can pin point exactly what items in the agency were either purchased by me or I had gotten through donations. My lucky bamboo (that is apparently thriving--I think I want it back), the desk lights I brought from home, recognizing my writing on binders, and hearing my voice on the agency voice mail are all reminders of how much the agency meant (and still means) to me and my identity.

As soon as I settled in, I had the most overwhelming feeling of belonging. It's hard for me to describe. When I left the agency in 2008 I was severely burnt out. Spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had little contact with anyone for the first 6 months after I left. I felt like I had nothing left to give, and even speaking to friends made me almost shut down. Funny how some of the stuff that used to annoy the shit out of me in 2008 (like not having ANY privacy) was now a delightful change in 2012.

Because the agency is a drop in day center, there are usually at least a few "members" (that is what we call clients because it is a peer-based organization) hanging out. The agency is technically a youth agency where anyone with an HIV/AIDS diagnosis and between the ages of 18 and 26 are welcome. Due to the nature of HIV in the city of San Francisco, more than 70% of the members identify as something other than hetero. There are also a fair number of transgender women, but heterosexual women are in the minority. In other words, the agency tends to be super gay. And, that is exactly were I feel my "tribe" is. 

I was able to really expand and refine the skills I use when coaching clients around dating and sex while working for BAY Positives. I loved being able to talk openly with the members about the type of sex they were having, what kind of challenges they were facing, and basically just being sex positive. You might think that fostering this type of environment is not likely amongst the HIV poz youth community--you know, because people who are HIV positive shouldn't have sex<---sarcasm alert.

What I know for sure is that BAY Poz is the only service provider that allows youth to safely explore and embrace the different aspect of their sexuality. In fact, it is one of the only places youth feel comfortable discussing sex at all. 

In just a few hours of being back at the agency I was making connections with new members and talked very openly with them about when they became HIV positive, if they are currently dating, what is going on with their life and housing situation, and so much more. The ease of conversation was such a welcome change considering my recent bout of depression and professional doubt. 

It was a relief to be accepted back in the gay trenches right away. Although, in all honesty, it's not like I really ever left. Being at the agency was a wake up call for me. It is liberating to feel truly comfortable with who you are. I got to hang out with youth, accept them for who they are, talk in depth about sex, use the word "gay" liberally, and all the while help people who are going through significant crisis. 

Tuesday was a really good day. 

My Big "Aha!" Moment

I'm calling it my "Aha!" moment a la Oprah, but you can also call it my big "D'uh" moment.

I've written about how I've recently gone through an unusually difficult period for me. Depression (check), doubt (check), despair (check). Lots and lots of people struggle with the exact same feelings, yet, like sex and sexuality, we aren't supposed to talk about it. Normally I am a pretty resilient person, but it was this particular trifecta of emotions that set me up for a perfect shit storm. 

I was raised in a very proper way, but I have always had a duality to me that has been hard for me to reconcile. My father is a very quite, well mannered, highly intelligent American born Japanese American doctor. My late mother was a gregarious person who was also highly intelligent (she had a photographic memory), yet she was a bit unruly and inappropriate.

Basically when I was growing up I was was guided by principles that were not always congruent. My father believed that children should be seen and not heard, and that you should not rock the boat. This totally made sense to me once I was old enough to find out that my dad and his entire family was interned during the war. On the other hand, there was my mother who believed that you should always stand up for yourself.

One part of me has always longed to fit in, be accepted, and be liked. Another part of me has always been unruly and sometimes I barely care what or how people think about me. In other words, my usual interactions with people include a lot of me telling them or thinking they can "suck it". I now see that this pattern has weaved in and out of my adult life. 

I totally admit that it is fucked up for me to occasionally get caught up on being liked. Why? I have never truly enjoyed the company of people who are universally liked. I never got the the sense that well liked people were authentic because they were trying too dang hard to keep up the status quo. But worse, I often said to myself "...god damn, can this person really be that great? And if so, they certainly don't need me to like them or be their friend so, guess what fucker, I won't." 

As a sexuality educator I have, at times, felt extreme pressure to fit in with other people who do what I do. This includes using terminology that is inclusive to the point of being exclusive. When I first became a sex educator I had the most amazing feeling of belonging somewhere. My personality and dirty mouth has always been a challenge for me when I worked my previous jobs. I always felt like people only got to see the outer shell (i.e. appropriate) of who I am. Let me put it this way, the concept of "sugar coating" my words is beyond the grasp of my understanding. I know no other way to be besides blunt. That's why initially working in the field of sexuality felt like freedom to me. 

My feelings are that working in the sexuality field comes with some unwritten "standards and practices". And for too long I have allowed myself to get stuck on the political part of my job. I'm guessing that is a direct result of me being brought up to act appropriately. But what I really love about myself is that I am utterly not appropriate.

My "Aha!" moment was this--people began to respond favorably to me when I was being my most authentic self. Not a proper, total politically correct version of myself. In fact, the response was not only immediate but the numbers alone were staggering.

I am a wonderful, flawed, yet perfect combination of many things. I no longer feel like I have to be one or the other. I am equally professional and unruly. I am both compassionate and ball busting. I am feminine yet think more like a man. I want to be liked but would prefer to be respected. And one of the most powerful realizations for me has been my best friends telling me matter-of-factly that they have never fit in anywhere either. Incidentially, I happen to have some of the most amaze-balls, intelligent, hilarious, and all around kick ass friends on the planet. 

Figuring out who you are can be a life long journey. I feel like I have always known who I am deep down, but was never secure enough to be myself full time. In fact writing this particular post feels a little too personal and too honest. But if you think about it, it is 100% Catherine. 

p.s. If you don't like it, then suck it!

 

Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and Sexuality

While I do not have MS, I have become one of the few sexuality educators who presents workshops specifically around MS and sexuality. In the past, the majority of my sex and disability workshops have been focused around the HIV/AIDS community.

I am someone who is constantly trying to expand my knowledge when it comes to sex and sexuality. I decided to throw myself into finding out as much info on how MS affects sexuality. I quickly found out that there is not a whole heck of a lot of information available. Curiously enough, the best resources on MS and sexuality come from the MS Society in Canada. I'm also gonna brag here and say I've presented this workshop for 2 of the finest medical hospitals around, Stanford and UCSF. 

What I have learned is that MS is one of the most common diseases that affects the central nervous system. Our nervous system is made up of a complex system of nerve fibers that are surrounded by a protective sheath called myelin. MS occurs when the protective sheath (myelin) becomes damaged and communication between the brain and the rest of your body become obstructed. Lesions can form on the spinal cord which can result in non-reversible deterioration of the nerves. 

Studies show that between 40% and 80% of people with MS experience significant sexuality issues, and it is higher than other chronic illnesses. Sometimes this means that people have to redefine what sex means to them. It can also make people with MS incredibly creative when it comes to how they have sex. Make no mistake, people with MS can experience fantastic and satisfying sex lives. 

There are 3 distinct categories when it comes to MS and sexual dysfunction. 

Primary sexual dysfunction:

• When lesions on the spinal cord impair and interfere the nerves between the brain and genitalia. Common side effects are altered genital sensations, decrease in intensity of orgasms, erectile dysfunction, decreased vaginal lubrication and engorgement, and decrease in pelvic muscle tone.

Secondary sexual dysfunction:

• This is when sexual dysfunction occurs as a result of MS symptoms or the medications that are used to treat MS. Common side effects are fatigue, spasticity, bladder/bowel disturbances, sensory changes of genitals that can cause numbness or severe pain, decreased levels of sexual excitement, and tremors.

Tertiary sexual dysfunction:

• This is when the psycho-social and cultural feelings and beliefs of having MS affects sexuality. Common side effects are lowered body image, grief, anxiety, depression, feeling like your body has betrayed you or feeling disconnected from your body, and feeling like you rarely have control of your body since MS can be so unpredictable. 

It can be pretty freaking hard to feel sexual with all this stuff going on. Hell, I'm able bodied and can tend to feel non sexual and have had lots of experience with low desire. Having MS can be extremely frustrating because of the fact that it is so unpredictable. This is hugely challenging when it comes to sexual activity. 

Here are a few of my personal tips for enhancing your sexual life with MS. 

• Redefine what sex means to you. Yeah, I can see how you might be scratching your head at this. Most people believe that the only way to have sex is to have penetration and end with ejaculation and orgasm. But boy oh boy, sex can be so much more than the act of penetration. 
  

1. Give yourself permission to find pleasure in your body
2. Allow yourself to feel sexy and have erotic thoughts
3. Experiment with lots of oral sex and digital (finger) penetration
4. Figure out through exploration what parts of your body are more sensitive than others
5. Challenge the thought that sex always boils down to penetration with ejaculation and orgasm
6. Allow yourself to experience pleasure without feeling like you have to achieve ejaculation/orgasm
7. Communicate with your partner what you need to feel safe in order to engage in sexual activity
8. Remember that sex is fun, sometimes awkward and messy, and often funny. Being accepting of these facts can help strengthen the intimacy you already have with your partner

 

• Talk to your doctor. Here's the deal--doctors get maybe 20 hours of training in sexuality during medical school. You may need to bring up sexuality with your doctor in stead of hoping they will do it. Medications to treat MS can absolutely effect your sexuality, so ask about what you can take (or add) so you can regain sexual feelings. Also, ask for testosterone testing. Low testosterone affects both men and women. If you use a catheter, know that sexual activity is totally possible. Make your doctor aware of your sexual activity so you can determine which type of catheter is best for your needs. 

 

• Try to schedule sexual activity for when you typically have the most energy.

 

• Avoid coffee, tea, other caffeinated drinks, and alcohol if you are scheduled to engage in sexual activity. Also, empty your bladder before you get down and dirty. Also, think about placing some extra towels on the bed before you go to town. A little (or a lot) of urine isn't really a big deal when you think about the bigger picture. 

 

• Incorporate sex in the bathtub. We know that bathing in warm water prior to sexual activity can help reduce spasticity as well as relax your muscles and joints. You will need to have silicone lubrication for your sexy bath time play. However, it is very slippery so try experimenting with a little before using a lot.

 

• Try out different sex positions. Using pillows (both regular and ones made specifically for sexual activity) can decrease joint pressure. Rear vaginal penetration can be helpful for people who wish to keep their legs together. Having sex sideways doesn't put as much pressure on your bladder so many people find it enjoyable. If your male partner has MS and is unable to full extend his legs, try experimenting being on top.

I hope you have found this blog post to be useful.

If you did, I would love it if you left me a comment. Also, you might want to consider printing out this blog post and bringing it with you to your next doctors appointment. I'm going to follow up this post with my top sex toy picks for those who are differently abled, so please stay tuned. 

 

    

Catherine's Big Book Review "Free Love" by Thomas Kelleher

I admit that I am horrible at product reviews most of the time. I wish I could guarantee a 6 week turn-around, but that would just be setting me up for failure. This book review has been a long time coming. 

"Free Love--True Stories of Love and Lust on the Internet" by local author Thomas Kelleher is a very fun, quick, and interesting read. Although many of the people talk about using other dating/sex forums besides CL, it seems to be the main source of peoples stories. One part of me, however, is jealous that he put this information into a book because I have sooooo much experience with Craigslist (CL). 

I'm jealous because I pioneered online outreach to the young LGBT community in San Francisco in 2002. I presented all over the country about how engaging in risky sexual encounters was responsible, in part, for a growing number of HIV and STI cases. I also did what is now called "online outreach" where an educator takes to the internet to provide accurate information on sex as well as local HIV/STI testing sites. It seriously never occurred to me that it was a potential book idea.

But enough about me. 

What I really like about this book is the way it is formatted. Just like in CL, the chapters are designated into men for men, men for women, women for men, women for women, missed encounters, and casual encounters. The left side of the page shows the original ad or posting the person was using in order to find someone, and the right side (and, in some cases, pages) tells the anecdotal story of what happened in response to that particular posting. 

It's entertaining, compelling and voyeuristic. As someone who majored in sociology, this book is treasure trove of data on what it's like to have relationships, date, and have sex in the internet era. 

Because I have so much personal experience with CL, many of the original ads were a tad too familiar. Some of the anecdotal stories were also a bit commonplace, but I found them to be really interesting and kept me entertained.

The people in the book basically fall into a few different categories: people who were placing ads as a joke or a bet (in other words for shits & giggles), people who were looking for long term relationships, and people who were looking for sex. Lots and lots of sex.

I found it intriguing that a number of people never admitted or wanted it to "get out" that they used online forums like CL to find a partner. In all fairness though, it seemed to me that the people who were embarrassed about using the internet to find dates were in an older demographic and fondly re-called the good old days of having to place personal ads in the paper. 

More than a few people found real love online and are either engaged or married. A few posters met potential dates whose mental health was questionable to say the least. There were also a few red flags going off in my head when I read certain anecdotal stories. I'm not a therapist or mental health worker, but it seems like a few of the people who placed the ads could benefit from a couple therapy sessions. 

People have long loved the internet because of the feeling of anonymity. Yes they do! Engaging in cyber sex, sexy phone calls, steamy texts, and naked picture exchanges can be really intoxicating. It can also be a fabulous way to safely explore the depths of your personal sexual fantasies.

Talking about sex or what you want to do with someone online gives you much more courage than if you were standing next to that person. The internet can give you the confidence and assurance to vocalize thoughts that you might never say if you were in a traditional dating setting. Incidentally, I also think that online dating is a great way to negotiate what you are looking for, what you are willing to do sexually, and it is one of the easiest ways to broach the topic of sexual health. You can weed through people quickly to suit what you are looking for (especially if you ask the right questions), and it can also make the whole idea of rejection less personal. 

People also lie. A lot. The internet just makes it a hell of a lot easier to get away with lies for a longer amount of time. My personal experience is that, in general, women are always 20 pounds heavier and older than they report. Men, on the other hand, are always shorter, make less money, have less hair, and weigh more than they report.

People love sending the most flattering pictures of themselves, even if that picture is 2, 5, 10 or more years old. Not everyone does this, but many stories in the book "Free Love" talk about how a person was over 100 pounds more than what they stated or was bald or balding when they stated they had hair. 

On the internet, people love to pretend they aren't married or attached. Like I said before, the internet is intoxicating that way. Several stories address the horror of finding out the hard and unpleasant way that people who claim to be single are married or otherwise coupled. 

Of course, like any good gay, my personal favorite stories came from the men seeking men category. I always find it particularly interesting when a man claims he is "St8" (for those of you who don't know this term, it means straight) but wants to find a jack off buddy, someone who will suck him off, or someone who will let him top (after all, some people don't believe they are engaging in homosexual activity if they are not the person being penetrated). 

Internet dating has forever changed the way in which people meet, date, and have sex. The book "Free Love" gives you a raw and voyeuristic view into what internet dating and "hooking up" is all about. The bottom line is that no one wants to be rejected, are longing for a connection (even if it is purely sexual), and maybe, just maybe, fall in love. 

Are There Any Famous Women Who Look Like Me?

Growing up I lived in a really exclusive area called the North Shore of Chicago. Since I grew up in the 70's and 80's calling my neighborhood exclusive is really just a euphemism for "white". People were either (self identified) WASPY or Jewish. Seriously, it is not a surprise that all my sisters and I married Jewish men. As with many neighborhoods, it has become a lot more diversified, but that didn't help me much as I was growing up. 

Here's the deal: I guess I identify as mixed race. My dad is second generation Japanese American (born in America) and my mom is American born of German ancestry. Even though growing up a lot of adults repeatedly told me I looked just like my mom (who had blonde hair and blue eyes), the kids I grew up with told me I looked very Asian. I was reminded about this a lot and it was almost always done in a way that was intended to hurt me or make me feel bad about myself. 

When I was growing up models like Paulina Porizkova, Christie Brinkley, Farrah Fawcett, Cheryl Tiegs, Jerry Hall, and Kim Alexis were super popular.

So, what's a non white girl who grew up in the 70's and 80's to do when looking for a role model who is 1/2 Asian? I guess the short answer is not much.

It's not a huge surprise that there were few famous people or role models I could look to and say "hey, that person actually kind of looks like me..that's cool." 

I'm happy to report that a bit of progress has been made in Hollywood! 

Here are a few of my favorite female Hollywood actors/personalities who are 1/2 Asian:

(above: Meg Tily)

(above: Jennifer Tily...yes, they are sisters)

(above: Shannyn Sossamon)

(above: Alexa Chung)

(above: Olivia Munn)

(above: China Chow--we both graduated from Scripps College)

(above: Charlotte Lewis--technically not Asian, but she looks it, so I included her)

(above: Phoebe Cates)

I know who my favorites are--Shannyn Sossamon (she looks a lot like a young Lisa Bonet) and Phoebe Cates. For anyone under 30, Phoebe Cates was basically the star of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (she had an iconic bikini scene), Gremlins, and Drop Dead Fred. She left the Hollywood scene in the 90's to raise a family with her husband, Kevin Kline. 

It would be lovely to see more people of color entering the field of sexuality. Almost all the well known people in sexuality are Caucasian. This fact hadn't even occurred to me until it was brought up in a presentation, and now I can't get it out of my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, it's merely an observation that many people make. It's also one of the reasons why I am so passionate about promoting the work of other people who don't fit into the status quo. This is a shout out to Becca Brewer and Sandra Daugherty!

 

Teens, Sex, and Communication

As a sexuality educator, I know too well that abstinence only sex education doesn't work. Study after study prove it. More recently, it has been shown that youth who take a "virginity pledge" are merely substituting other high risk sexual activities in lieu of vaginal penetration. 

Let me be clear that I believe abstinence has a place in sex education--when it is part of a comprehensive sex education program. Being part of a larger conversation about sex and sexuality makes a lot of sense to me. It is the abstinence "only" part that drives me a little nutso.

I'm not a professional wordsmith, but I have enough knowledge to know that the word "withholding" is synonymous with "abstinence", which makes almost no sense to me. Seriously, think about it for a minute.

Communication is truly one of the most important tools anyone uses in their life. However, most people are never taught how to effectively communicate with...really..anyone. Peers, bosses, kids, family, and the list goes on and on. 

Using an abstinence only model (with virginity pledges) is really only getting youth to agree to something they don't consent to (as well as depriving youth from learning how to communicate around the topics of sex and sexuality.) Consent is difficult to reach if you are purposely leaving important information out. Maybe I'm a bit dense, but what is the harm with giving youth accurate information about sex education?

Learning to make good decisions is part of getting older, isn't it? Giving youth comprehensive information on sex education allows them to know what the risks are for pregnancy or HIV/STI transmission and how they can prevent it. I, for one, would be incredibly happy to never hear about a new season of "16 and pregnant" or "Teen Moms".  

I've worked with a lot of youth in my undergraduate (interning at a juvenile prison & interning with a juvenile probation office) and professional life. My post college work with youth has been as a case manager at a half-way house (in other words, youth who were released directly from prison), as a probation office (and an active participant in a "teen court" program), and working with both HIV positive and HIV negative youth in the San Francisco Bay Area.

In short, I have had a lot of experience with youth--everyone from LGBTQIQ youth who are marginally housed and homeless to students who attend some of the finest (ie expensive & progressive) private college preparatory schools. When it comes to college age youth, I've provided sex education to people attending community colleges as well as premiere universities like Stanford. 

Even though I am a non-breeder, I truly love being around teens and young adults. I hear so many parents complain about how they can't relate to their children and that they have no idea what they might or might not be doing sexually. The thing is, with me, I have the exact opposite effect with youth. Basically they tell me in intimate details who, where, and when they have hooked up with sexually. Some have even drawn me flow-charts...I'm not even kidding about this.

Maybe it's because I don't have my own kids that I am able to relate so well (and in such a meaningful way) to youth. Maybe it's because I am super awesome sex educator, or maybe it's because I am perpetually curious and am genuinely interested in speaking with them. Also, I may look younger than I am, but many of the high school youth I had daily contact with were young enough to be my children. So why is it that, in general, youth are so open to talking about sex and sexuality with me?

Here are a few of my thoughts on why youth are so willing to talk openly about sex with me. 

I relate to them on their level. Ok, so maybe this makes me a bit un-sophisticated and immature, but I can talk to most youth about almost anything. It usually starts out with me asking something like:

    "Whats going on at school?"

    "Are you interested in anyone in particular?"

    "What's the newest update with you, give me the 411",

    "Hey, are you thinking about college yet?",

    "What do you do for fun?"

    or even

    "So, have you been getting any penetration lately?"

Being that I am a super curious person, all I have to do is open the door with a few open-ended questions and the proverbial flood gates open up. I also come from a place that I recognize youth are sexual beings, which is something really difficult for a parent to conceive of.

I've figured out that there is an art to asking the correct questions. For example, If they say they have, indeed, had penetration, I will ask what kind, did they enjoy it, how do they feel about it now, is it with someone serious, do they need condoms and lube, etc. 

It's been my experience that youth are way smarter and intuitive than they are given credit for. The youth I have known are really open to confiding intimate details about their life because they see me as a trusted adult and/or ally. 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm advocating parents to go out and become their children's best friend. I mean, look at how well that has turned out for Lindsay Lohan and her mom. There needs to be some sort of rules or parameters, and those should be set by the parent.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want people to think youth gravitate towards me because they see me as their pal and, therefore, a push over because 1) If you know anything about me and my past work experience (see above), you know I am anything but a push over, and 2) I have never had a problem calling a youth out on their shit. My process looks something like this--we have a private conversation, we discuss whatever the issue is and I then communicate what type of behavior is expected from them moving forward, and then I drop it and move on. I've lost count the number of times youth were obviously squeamish to be around me after our little private conversation. They are usually blown away that I am still around for them after they have messed up. I think it is these type of instances where I have left the biggest mark on emerging youth. There have been many times when I (along with other youth service providers) have been the first healthy relationship a youth has had with an adult, and it is something I take very seriously. Being an active person in a teens life can have dramatic results, even if that time is limited to only a few months. 

I know that this might seem like a radical way of interacting with youth. Open and honest communication...how novel!  

I get that not everyone is going to have the capacity to do this. In that case, the best I can hope for is that those youth have some adult in their life who they feel comfortable discussing this stuff with.

Or, you can always send them my way. 

**Scarleteen, Sexetc.org, & Go Ask Alice are all wonderful sexuality resources!