Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Hey, Guess How Long I've Been Married

I'll tell you one thing--almost no one ever gets it correctly! It's kinda like how much I weigh. I look smaller than I am. However, this blog post is not about my climbing weight brought on by major stress eating. 

Here's the deal. I've become acutely aware of how others view me in regards to being part of a couple over the past few months. When my husband got the news that he was sick, we embarked on exhaustive and comprehensive consultations with not one, but two different medical centers. 

I hadn't been working that much as I desperately needed to take time off when my father became sick. I had already been feeling like I needed some sort of break, and hearing about my dad, and his prognosis, seriously shook me to my core. 

Learning about my husband literally brought me to me knees (only this time it was not for the purpose of fellatio). I made a silent contract with him that I would support him as much as he needed and that included scheduling and coordinating doctor's visits, body scans, and his future treatments. Hell, I even threw in a verbal "I'll even see your family face to face" for good measure. Believe me when I say that this was no small gesture. My husband and I had decided years ago to segregate me from his family. It's less stress on him, and he doesn't have to worry about me face-punching a particular person while in the middle of dinner at a fancy restaurant. 

I've been through A LOT in my life, and I can tell you that there is nothing more excruciating than waiting for a diagnosis and treatment plan when it comes to a loved one. I can't express this enough. 

Something curious started happening once we were plugged into the 2 medical centers. My husband was still working pending a final diagnosis. What ended up happening is that he saw no less than 3 specific doctors at each medical center. Each individual doctor ordered at least one (if not two or three) additional tests. And guess what? All those tests need to be scheduled. It became very clear to my husband that the medical team were calling me a hell of a lot more than they were calling him. They had all met me at one time or another, so it didn't seem weird to me. But, it kind of felt weird to my husband. After all, he was the one who was sick, and I was getting all the medical calls. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't hurt or upset by this. He just found it amusing that I had so quickly bonded with the medical teams (he calls this my "super power"), and that they opted to call me first. 

Thankfully, he has completed his initial treatment. There is still much more to come, but I see this as a huge accomplishment. 

I know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have the option of stopping work. Working for myself allows me that flexibility, and I'm not sure what my game plan would have been if I were working for the "man". It became increasingly clear that the vast majority of the patients were alone when getting their treatment. Very few had a partner, family member, or someone else waiting for them in the waiting area. I know that everyone has their own set of circumstances, and many partners are simply not able to accompany their loved one to medical appointments due to work, children, and what have you. Again, I know my situation blessed me with the freedom to accompany my husband to all of his various treatments. I honestly don't know how people get through daily medical treatments without a strong support system. Being able to spend this time with him allowed me to help share the emotional, physical, and psychological distress of his diagnosis. 

To be honest with you, it never even occurred to me that I would NOT go with my husband (and drive the 90 mile round trip) for his daily treatments that lasted for 6 weeks. Even though my father had just recently passed away, I knew deep down that it was what needed to be done. If nothing else, I know for certain that I can look back upon this difficult time and admit that I did good by my husband. In fact, it was one of his doctors who noticed me everyday in the waiting area. This caused him to ask my husband about the frequency of my attendance. He was surprised to hear that I literally didn't leave his side since he has become sick. He also told my husband that he was "a very lucky man!" 

We both got to know the members of his medical team pretty well--at least as much as one can possibly connect with medical staff when seeing them 5 times a week for many weeks. Now, I've already mentioned that my husband and I look quite young for our age. After a few weeks of treatment, we began asking the staff how long they thought we had been married. Most said between 5 and 10 years. That is not at all uncommon for us to hear. The most wrong answer we ever got was from one of our most like-able physicians. His answer, after thinking about it a moment, was 3 years. I had no problem telling him that I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but that was the single most wrong answer we have ever heard. When he told him we have been married for over 17 years, he was quite shocked. In fact, I believe the next words out of his mouth were "wow...you guys still seem so happy." My usual response to this is that we are happily child-free.

I guess the point of the this blog post is having the realization that people can obviously see how much my husband and I adore each other. To many people, we appear to still be in the honeymoon phase. Thinking about this humbles me and brings a huge smile to my face.

I never expected my husband to become gravely ill, and having that occur at the same time of my dad's sickness was almost too much for me to handle. Luckily I have an amazing support system. I can not say this enough. The people in my life who have and continue to support me are doing the work of angels. 

This may be wishful thinking, but I would like to imagine that my husband has found new ways of falling in love with me. He has never personally experienced the "getting shit done" Catherine mode in this particular way before. His sickness has helped to solidify our relationship, but it goes way beyond that. Being able to get people in the medical world (and remember that they see a ton of people every single day) to believe we are still newlyweds is kinda priceless. 

Relationship Advice?

As people become more interested in me and my work, I've become acutely aware that my marriage is point of interest for many. For years I have known that people look at me with a quizzical expression upon hearing that I am married. Maybe I act too immature to be married. Maybe people have ideas that proper married women should not talk about sex and sexuality so openly. 

I've been with my husband for 20 years. Yes, that means that we met and fell in love in the fall of 1991 or our junior year in college (I had just turned 20 and he was *gasp* still 19). We moved in together after we graduated from the Claremont Colleges in 1993. We got engaged in the fall of 1994, and were married in the fall of 1995. For those of you who are bad at math, that means we have been married for over 16 years. 

Believe me when I say I'm not bringing this up to gloat about my own personal marriage success. Seriously, I'm not secretly saying in my head "I'm so great, nany nany boo boo." I've decided to blog about it because, in the past month, at least 4 different people have asked me how my marriage has been so successful. Granted, successful is one of those terms whose meaning can be very subjective, but it has definitely made me think about why and how I have been with my partner for 1/2 of my life. 

Here is what has worked for me. Some of the information might be useful, but some of it may not even remotely apply to your relationship. 

Pick the right partner: Good concept, don't you think? Granted, I have some impulse control problems (especially when it comes to jewelry, shoes, and hand bags), but I'm actually an incredibly practical person. Even though I was only 20 when I met my future husband, I had dated quite a bit, had multiple sexual partners (no, not at the same time), and had enough personal experience to know what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looked like. One of the main reasons I was confident I met the right "one" for me was because he was the only person I had ever dated where I couldn't foresee what circumstance would cause us to break up. Yes, I'm practical, but I am also a bit neurotic and tend to dissect and ruminate over people's behavior. Also, my husband was the most wonderfully consistent person I had ever met. Many people might not find this to be an attractive quality, but it was exactly what I needed in my life. 

Before we got married, we covered most of the basic "what do you think about" questions. It was important to me that he knew I was fairly certain I didn't want children. It was also
important to me that he understood where I grew up and how I was raised. Fortunately, he was familiar with the North Shore of Chicago, and Winnetka to be specific, because of his family. I'm the first to admit that I am a snob when it comes to many things, and a lot of it has to do with my upbringing. Iconic 80's movies like Home Alone (yes, that house really exists and it was not that far from mine), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Risky Business, She's Having a Baby, Sixteen Candles, and The Breakfast Club were all filmed in and around where I lived. Right or wrong, it was my reality. Having him visit me and my family made it easier for him to understand some of my personality quirks when it comes to living a certain lifestyle. I have no doubt he felt that I better live it up while I could because there was no way he would ever be able to support the lifestyle in which I had become accustomed to. Maybe I should just cut to the chase and admit that I am spoiled! There, is that better? 

Don't lose your identity: I've always been a fairly independent person. I'm not someone who stopped hanging out with my friends whenever I had a boyfriend. We saw each other for a few hours every day but mostly in the dining hall and after we were finished studying for the night. I graduated with a degree in sociology. He ended up with a PhD in electrical engineering, so it's not a huge surprise that I am more social than he is. He spends time with his friends during work lunches, and because I work alone and from home, I tend to see my friends after work hours. That means that he is often on his own when it comes to dinner.

He also knew that once we were wed I was not planning on taking his last name. My last name is fairly unique when it comes to the Japanese so it was important for me to keep it. Because I was teased and bullied over my name I kind of feel like I've earned it. My name--Toyooka is pronounced just like Toyota (but with a 'k'), so it was interesting being an adolescent when one of the biggest car companies slogan at that time was "oh what a feeling to drive....Toyota!"

Develop your own rituals: This can be a bit tricky to figure out if you are a child free couple. Spending holidays with your family can cause a lot of stress. Knowing this, my husband and I created a "family can suck it" Thanksgiving ritual. We begin by checking into our semi-local Ritz Carlton and then treat ourselves to the most luxurious and decadent Thanksgiving brunch in the history of the world. We usually spend 2 nights being pampered, ordering room service, taking lots of naps, and walking the beach. Granted, not everyone has the funds or desire for this type of pampering. Maybe camping or a quaint B&B is more your style. The fact remains that we always look forward to this time of year because of our mini-vacation. 

Rituals don't even need to cost you any money! We try to snuggle (I know, puke, right?) each night and talk about our day. Yes, we can get away with this particular ritual probably because we are child free. In a way, those few minutes of intimacy at the end of the day are the bread and butter of our relationship. 

Try to be spontaneous (if you usually are not): Since I'm a compulsive planner, I've always been the one in the relationship to plan all of our trips. Twice in the past year I've been pleasantly surprised that my husband took it upon himself to book us a quick one-nighter away from home. He would make the plans on Friday and on Saturday we were on our way. Sometimes you just need to get away and decompress. 

Remember why you chose them in the first place: Consider this an exercise in gratitude. After 20 years with someone, that intense passion and desire you feel at the beginning of courtship has a tendency to fade away. Recognizing this has been vital to my overall happiness. There are times when I simply have no desire to engage in sexual activity. I know this comes as a shock to most! During those sexual *lean* times, I try to be open with my husband about what is (or in most cases--what isn't) going on with my sexual state. During the times when we aren't sexually connecting, I continue to praise and appreciate my partner for who he is. Off the top of my head, the things I love most about my husband are: he is a freaking smartypants, he is lovingly patient with me and accepting of my personality quirks, he is incredibly good looking, he doesn't take himself or me too seriously, he makes me laugh every single day, and he always tells me he loves me--always.

We aren't a super-romantic couple by any means. What we are is thoughtful and generous. I also figured out years ago that my partner is infinitely smarter than I could ever be. I'm not knocking myself or saying I'm dumb. I just have a limited capacity to retain, understand, assimilate, and then call up information at a later date. Which is why I basically defer to him when it comes to big decisions. Yes, he is aware of this. No, he doesn't rub my nose in it. Yes, I can see the humor in someone so anal about things (me) willingly giving up control. Here's the deal: I figured that I would probably only be right about 20% of the time when it comes to disagreements so why not concede. 

Would you stay with your partner if you won the mega lotto? This is the real 30 million or 100 or 300 million dollar question. This is kind of similar to asking yourself the question "would I still marry this person if I had to do it all over again?" I'll be honest and tell you that I wasn't always so confident in my answer to this one. The fantasy of winning 100 million or more is pretty freaking intoxicating. We don't have children and we don't have a mortgage so, technically, I could take off with very little personal ramifications. I've since come to understand that the chances of me winning the lottery are about the same as me leaving my husband.

Dang, sorry for the long-ass post and for all the over-sharing! It's also the most intimate of my blog posts so I was pretty hesitant about posting it. 

Super Awesome Free Download!

About 5 years ago I met someone in person who knocked my socks off. Smart as a whip, confident, down to earth, fearless, and easy on the eyes are terms that come to mind when I think about Becca Brewer. 

Quite frankly, she was the bomb. She still is. 

You all are probably familiar with her name because I have used some of her "BeccasSexBlog" posts as she graciously allowed me to rerun a few that are my most favorite.

Becca is what I would consider a certified gold sex educator. 

Her newest venture is called "SmartHotFun", and you can find out all about her, the work she does, and how to contact her from her website.

Becca has taken the time and love to put together a super comprehensive set of charts called the Want!Will...Won't.Chart. This is an amaze-balls tool that helps you clarify exactly what YOU want when it comes to sexual activity. This chart can be used by anyone regardless of your current sex situation. Think of it as a kind of Yes, No, Maybe chart, only way better. 

Becca has given me permission to distribute her chart to my readers. You can download it from my website by going here. You can also get to it by clicking on the "Get Our Free Want!Will...Won't.Chart" button found in the upper left of my blog.

This pdf download will be sent for FREE to the email address you provide.

One word of caution is that this chart is the mother of all charts. It comes with a full set of instructions, and you can fill it out at your leisure. There is no time limit and you can feel free to share some or all of your results with your partner(s) when ever you are ready. If you never want to show the chart to someone you are sleeping with, that is totally alright. It is more of an empowerment tool for YOU.

Thanks Becca!

In Defense of Nerds--Not Just for Making Fun of Anymore

If you are a follower of my blog (thank you!) then you are aware that I'm married to a certified nerd, and I mean that in a loving way. 

But what makes him a nerd? This is what comes to my mind although the list is not inclusive

• He was in mostly AP classes in high school
• He went to a super nerdy college, Harvey Mudd (if you have ever seen the movie "Real Genius" it was kinda like that...If you haven't seen the movie, shame on you..it rocks!)....this clip is from the movie & totally sums up campus life on Mudd 
• He has his PhD in Electrical Engineering
• He loves video games
• If need be, he can make his own tools that are functional
• Whenever he comes across a flaw in something electrical we own he almost always says "bad design"
• It can take him months researching a product online before he makes a purchase...this can range from a wrist watch to a car
• He is someone who many people tend to defer, acknowledge, or concede is the smartest in the room

So why in the hell is he married to me?

Yeah, over the past 20 years I have asked myself that exact question. A lot.

Seriously, if I had known how smart he is, I would have most likely passed on pursuing him in college. In case you didn't catch that, I pursued him! I just thought he was a reasonably smart (because of going to Harvey Mudd) and absolutely good looking. I'm someone who has always had good self esteem and am pretty dang confident. Even so, once I knew (and heard!) how smart he was, I spent a fair bit of time wondering if I could keep his interest beyond having sex. 

What I have come to understand is that he is one of the happiest married people I know, and believe me when I say that it is not all due to me being a sex educator. In fact, we are a extremely confusing couple to many, but that is a whole other blog post. There is something about attending Harvey Mudd College that makes people particularly good at marriage.

Don't believe me? Here is a excerpt from a fairly recent US News and World Report on "The 10 Best Colleges to Find a Husband". Harvey Mudd came in at number 6, which is funny because it is the exact same number I came in as the Top 100 sex bloggers!

Here is what the report had to say about Harvery Mudd

#6 Harvey Mudd (Claremont, California)

Harvey Mudd is another top liberal arts school located in sunny California. In addition to the outdoor lifestyle and SoCal climate, Harvey Mudd made the college hubby cheat sheet thanks to its successful grads earning an average of $121,000 mid-career (most find success in the fields of science, engineering or math). Many exams are of the take-home variety and are overseen by an honor code—so maybe HM breeds more honest, reliable guys? Now there’s a theory worth analyzing.

Oh yeah, about that honor code thing--my husband was the student chair when we began dating. 

I recently had lunch with a friend who I met while I was dating my husband in college. She and her boyfriend were also "Mudders" who began dating around the same time me and my hubby did. In addition to that, both of our now husbands have the same first name and actually lived together as suite mates. She is now living in the same area as me and still happily married. I love being able to hang out with her because I feel like less of a freak for having settled down at such an early age. I'm also happy to hear that at least 2 other "Mudder" couples from our time got and remain married.  

I personally feel that nerds are happiest when they are partnered. There isn't a lot of game playing going on, posturing, and/or they never seem like they are on the lookout for something or someone better. Yes, this is a total generalization, but it is also my experience. Simply put, nerds take delight in knowing they won't have to be out in the dating field again. 

Back when I first started this blog, I did an article about why nerds make good life partners. You can check it out here (it has a lot of the same content found here).

I wholeheartedly believe that nerds (and specifically those who attended Harvery Mudd College) are particularly well suited for marriage, and here are a few reasons:

• Nerds & Geeks are usually loyal and aren't afraid of monogamy! People who are often referred to as nerds and geeks are overwhelmingly introverted and you will not often catch them hanging out at nightclubs and bars. They might be a little socially awkward, but that just means that you will be the center of their attention when out and about. As an added bonus, geeks and nerds are also known to be both sensitive and sincere individuals. 
• Nerds & Geeks appreciate you! This may not always translate into super romantic behavior, but you feel how grateful they are to be happily paired up. 
• Nerds & Geeks often have had fewer sex partners which means they are less likely to have picked up a STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) by engaging in casual sex. Sexuality can be a difficult topic of discussion for nerds & geeks. They might feel insecure that they will not be able to sexually satisfy you, that their body doesn't look how they would like it to look, etc., but here is the secret.....most nerds & geeks are very willing to experiment sexually when they are in a loving and trusting relationship. 
• Nerds & Geeks are often hugely smart and intelligent! You know how they say "beauty fades, but stupid is forever?" Well, this is something you never have to worry about when your partner is super smart. On a side note, nerds & geeks are also known for being passionate about something. And as we know, passion = sexy!
• Nerds & Geeks are handy and fix things around the house. Enough said.

 So what are you waiting for? Have you loved a nerd today? 

Why Jennifer Love Hewitt & John Mayer Need a Dating Intervention

Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) and John Mayer (JM) are two freaking hot messes that are in desperate need a dating intervention. These two knuckleheads are famous (some might argue more than they should be) for their constant inclusion in celebrity gossip. And since I am guilty of loving my gossip mags, I feel compelled to throw my two cents in over what assumptions I have made from the media. Sounds super scientific, right?

These two unlucky in love losers briefly dated in 2002. Rumor has it that JLH sent some fancy bouquet of balloons and candy to one of JM's recording sessions. Apparently it worked. Personally, it kinda sounds to me like a gesture that is better suited for a 6 year old birthday party and not someone you want to bang. 

JM had recently ended a very brief affair with songstress Vanessa Carlton. It isn't surprising that JM and Vanessa did not last. After all, this was a time when each of them just launched their first major label cds. Rumor had it that their relationship was doomed in part due to a little game of "who is doing better in the charts" rivalry. 

In 2002, pictures began circulating around the gossip circuit with JLH and JM together. This lead a ton of people to incorrectly claim or hint that the song "Your Body is a Wonderland" was about JLH. Just so we are clear, he wrote that song years before he even met JLH as it was included in his first non-major label release in 1999. At the very most, he was wanking it to her image from tv shows or the movies. 

Ok, so I have an enormous amount of JM information! I admit it! I used to be a huge fan of his back around 2001, used to send him porn while he was touring (the ingrate never thanked me, but I did become known as 'porn chick'), and met him a few times. Even back before he hit it big, he had a reputation of sleeping with his fans. 

Since the time JLH and JM dated, she has been engaged at least twice (if not more, I lost count), and he has remained the bad boy bachelor. Part of the reason I have such a strong dislike of JLH is that she appears to be a love addict. Everything I have heard or seen written about her makes her out to seem completely desperate, insecure, and clingy. At least it seems that way to me.

I also really don't like that she is one of the main reasons the word "vajazzle" exists. As a sex educator, I know that vaginas are an internal structure only. Maybe I could go at her with a hot glue gun, a speculum, and some swarvoski crystals for her to get that what she is talking about is mons jazzling. 

JHL needs a dating intervention at best or some serious therapy around being a love addict at worst. The fact that she is 32 and has had a few broken engagements isn't really that big of a deal. The reasons behind her broken engagements, however, is a red flag. 

On one hand she is probably smart to have never gotten married because it is highly likely she would be divorced by now. She is probably glad to have dodged the epic Kim Kardashian marriage fail bullet. But it does make me, as a dating coach, wonder why she chooses men who she is clearly incompatible with.

I think her bottom line is that she is in love with love, and moves full steam ahead when she finds someone new to date. The problem with this game plan is that people are usually on their best behavior during the courtship period and aren't always being completely sincere and authentic. For example, someone you are newly dating is most likely gaga over you, wants to spend a lot of time together, and is probably pretty generous with compliments. What was once "Wow, I love the way you treat and take care of me" can quickly become "Why don't you compliment me anymore, why are you so busy, and who else are you hanging out with". I'm not saying that her clingyness and insecurities are the reason for her failed engagements. Ok, well maybe I am. The bottom line is that JLH needs to be be secure, confident, and really like herself before anyone else can truly love her. 

My dating coach suggestion is that she spend a lot more time on herself and a little less time chasing love. 

Now JM is a whole other ball game. He is a narcissist with boat loads of money, an allegedly big dick, and has the ability to literally charm the pants off of you. He is also someone who brags about his conquests in excruciating detail, making many of his past lovers cringe. Incidentally, he was rumored to be gay or enjoy a little man on man action years ago, but I think that rumor has mostly gone away.

Let's face it, JM is a douche bag. Even HE admits that he sounds like a monster douche after reading things about him. I hear he has a google alert for his name, too. The google alert doesn't appear to be working as he is still mostly thought of as a cad.

My dating coach prognosis for him is not great. There is little you can do for someone who is narcissistic. However, I do know that he needs to stop dating other celebrities! Vanessa Carlton, JLH, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, and Jennifer Aniston have all been romantically tied to him. What he really needs is a good kick in the ass. He needs to stop seeing the women he dates as trophies and inanimate objects and nut up. He is a 34 year old man who still acts like he is 14. Maybe he suffers from arrested development because he began non stop touring when he was young and it consequently made it difficult to form real relationships.   

It's funny and pretty rare that I can become so annoyed by others that they prompt me to write a freaking long blog post. Maybe it's me who really needs an intervention?

Read This Before You Get Married!

I was sad to see that the wonderfully talented and goofy Zooey Deschanel separated from her husband of 2 years who is the lead singer for the band Death Cab for Cutie. Between you and me, I bet she is super thankful to Kim Kardashian stealing all the divorce gossip news. It seems to me that Zooey's marriage is going to come and go with very little fan fare. 

I'm by no means a marriage and family therapisy or expert. However, I am someone who is 40 years old and has been with my husband for 20 years (married for 16). Regardless of my lack of expert qualifications, I am going to chime in here anyway. 

Many of my friends (at least those who are allowed to get married) are divorced or separated. Given today's ridiculously high divorce rate, this should not come as a surprise. My sisters who are a few years older then me are both moms and married. We are all on our first marriage (in case people are keeping track of that sort of thing), but I was the first to marry in 1995. 

I've long felt and said that too many people make a mockery of marriage. They go into it lightly and then seemingly blow out of there when they realize who they married isn't the person they thought they married. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Kim Kardashian.

One of the other things about marriage and divorce is how on earth is it possible to be in love with someone and have children with them one year and then literally hate them the next. I'm not judging here, really I'm not. I just honestly don't understand (and this happens a lot) how you can have such hate towards the mother or father of your children. Another thing I find equally as puzzling are couples who have children out of wedlock but claim they don't want to get married because they aren't ready for that level of commitment. Seriously? I, for one, can not imagine any situation that makes you more committed to someone than having and raising children. 

I'm a fairly practical person at heart, so I have some equally practical tips for knowing if you are ready for marriage. 

• Do you really like the person you are marrying? This might seem like an obvious and odd point to make, but it is something people often overlook. This can include things like if you enjoy their company and do you miss hanging out with them when you aren't together. 
• Does your partner fight fair? I'm guessing that people who are reading this part will either totally get what I'm talking about or totally not get it. Fighting fair means not using a fight to bring up every stinking thing that annoys you about them AND not bringing up crap that you've been silently brewing on for days, months, or years. Fighting fair means you begin with "I" statements and not saying general things like "you never fucking listen to me". A better way of stating that (in case you care to know) would be to say "I sometimes feel like you just tune me out". Many people fear confrontation. I have found that arguments can often end up with me better understanding someone and therefore feeling closer to them. 
• Does your partner like to bicker? I'm putting this is here because it is one of my pet peeves. I hate being around couples who bicker. Even more, I hate being around couples who can't even recognize this is their pattern. I don't see the point in the knit picking and back and forth bickering banter or purposefully making someone else feel stupid (except on rate occasions). I never dated someone who was always looking to pick a fight with me, and there is no way I would have considered marriage if this was our typical dynamic. It's exhausting to everyone involved. 
• Do you know how to communicate with your partner? This is huge. Lots of marriages break down because people have either stopped communicating with their partner, or simply never really knew how to communicate in the first place. 
• Do you know how your partner feels about money? Regardless of how much money you actually have, this is an important point to know. If you are someone who spends money as soon as it comes in then your more conservative spending partner needs to know that. It may be that you decide on having one joint account for all home expenses and then separate personal accounts. Whatever the case is, you need to have a game plan. It's also important to put all your debt cards on the table. You should have a general idea on how much debt your partner will be bringing into the marriage and what it is for. 
• Do you know how your partner feels about kids? I am someone who is happily child-free. I never wanted children, and my husband knew that before we got married. Our plan (because we got married so young) was that we wouldn't think about having kids for the first 5 years of our marriage. After that, we brought the topic up every year to see if our feelings had changed. Luckily, we both agree that being parents is not important to us. In fact, probably the only thing that would break us up is if either one of us strongly changed our tune and now wanted kids. People still ask us when we are going to have children and my husband's answer is "When I grow a uterus". People usually change the subject after that comment is made. 
• If you do plan on having children, do you know what your partner thinks about religion and how to raise them? 5 words; Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
• Do you know how your partner feels about sex? In this day and age I can't imagine how couples delay having sex until they are married. It just doesn't seem practical. However, having sex with someone doesn't always mean you know how they feel about sex and sexuality. Not sure what I mean by that? Many couples have un-fulfilling sex lives, and that sometimes means they go outside of their marriage to get certain needs met. For example, let's say you are married to a man who is pretty dominant in all aspects of his life, but really wants you to anally penetrate him while wearing a strap on. I'm going to guess that some married women would not necessarily jump up and down with joy upon hearing this. A fabulous way of figuring out what type of sexual activity you and your partner are open to exploring is to fill out a Download Yesnomaybe evaluation.  
• Do you know where your partner wants to live? This is important to know especially if you are living in a temporary location. Some couples write out their top 3 or 4 places where they would like to live and see where and if there are any commonalities. When I got married, my husband was in a PhD program in Colorado. If you follow my blog then you know that I have never been a huge fan of that state. He was recruited from companies located everywhere from upstate New York to Northern California. Moving to Silicon Valley was a very simple decision for us. 
• Do you know what type of lifestyle your partner is used to or expects? I'm throwing this is here because I've seen many couples not agree on how to spend money. For example, it's not uncommon for one partner to feel like the other is cheap, frugal, or thrifty, and for there to be many arguments over this. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker, you just need to have some sort of game plan in mind. 

So there you have it my lovelies, my top attributes on what makes a good marriage. I'm sure I've left out a few so please feel free to leave comments. 

Food for Thought--Advice From Catherine About Entering the Field of Sexuality

As someone who didn't really figure out what my personal path was until later in life, I can say with absolute certainty that I love my job. I'm good at it! I get rewarded for being myself! I'm also thrilled that my enthusiasm seems to be infectious in that I get multiple emails a week asking me how people can do what I do. 

I've written quite a few blog posts about how I became a sex educator, how one can become a sex educator, tips for becoming a sex educator, and some of the not so great parts of being a sex educator. Even though I identify myself and my career mostly as a sex educator, search engines recognize me mostly as a sex coach. 

I have some practical advice for people who are looking to work in the growing field of sexuality. 

One of the best things you can do is to take an inventory of how you feel about sex and sexuality. This is hugely important, and I can't stress this enough. Talking about sexuality is not the same thing as being sex positive. Let me repeat; talking about sexuality is not the same as being sex positive.

One of the things I pride myself on and consistently get positive feedback on is how I can talk about the spectrum of sexuality and not tense up when it comes to certain topics. Here are a few examples:

• What about people who engage in unprotected sex while being HIV positive and an active drug user? Great, let's talk about it. 
• I'm curious about anal and vaginal fisting? Sure thing!
• Tell me more about about fetishes that are seemingly so mysterious that they are kinda underground? Hey, I may not have the exact answers to everything, but I bet I can find someone who does.
• What does it mean to be abstinent? Let's talk about it. 
• What does someone mean when they say they are asexual? Great question!

When you are a sex educator and people ask questions, they look to you for answers as much as they look at you when you answer them. They want to know if you are able to accurately hear and answer what they are asking as much as they are looking to see how comfortable you are with the subject matter.

My deal is this: not knowing an answer is totally ok. After all, there are few educators who have all the answers. I have no problem letting someone know that 1) they are asking a great question, 2) I don't have the exact answer for them, and 3) I bet I can find a person who can get their question answered. I know that my personal knowledge about sex and sexuality covers a ton of information, but that I am not an expert in all topics. 

If you are looking to have a career in the field of human sexuality then one of the best things you can do is to figure out what personal triggers you have when it comes to sex and sexuality. This isn't always an easy task, and sometimes you have to admit to being sensitive to certain topics you wish you were more open minded about. 

It may seem a little contrary, but I have found that group training is one of the easiest ways to figure out what triggers or limitations a particular person has. I've gone through sexuality training in San Francisco where people claim to be sex positive yet firmly state that they hate the idea of porn (and would not sit through any porn viewing), where people repeatedly used the wrong pronoun when referring to someone who has already stated their gender identity, who believe that everyone who is HIV positive should be criminally prosecuted for having unprotected sex, people who strongly judge and openly mock certain fetishes, and much more. 

Sex will always be a hot button issue for certain people. However, I have to admit that I've met a few people who are working in the sexual health profession who should probably strongly consider a job in a different field. 

My other suggestions for working in the sexuality field are to figure out if you want to work for a company or organization or work for yourself. Working for someone else has a lot of benefits that include things like a steady paycheck, health insurance, and being part of a team. Working for yourself also has a lot of benefits like setting your own hours, setting your own rate, and having ultimate creative control over what you do. 

However, if you want to work for yourself (like I do), then you need to consider things like where are you going to meet and work with clients since it is not recommended that you use your home as a meeting place, are you focused enough to actually get work done on your own, what type of business are you going to have (a sole proprietorship or LLC), what business licenses and business insurance you need, who is your ideal target market, how are you going to brand yourself, and how are you going to get clients. 

If you ultimately want to be a sex coach, you probably need to spend some time working or studying in the field of sexuality. Some people who do sex coaching call themselves "relationship", "love", or "intimate relationship" coaches. Lots of people advised me to change my title from sex to relationship coach. The title of sex coach can be problematic for some people because it is too in your face and overt. My feeling is that I am the first to admit that not all of my personal relationships are easy, great, or rewarding, so I would have a hard time calling myself a relationship coach. 

I have found that working in the field of human sexuality has been incredibly satisfying and rewarding for me. Hopefully this blog post will help make your journey into the field a little easier. 

More on Ashton & Demi (3 Somes, Open Marriages, and Condomless Sex, Oh My!)

A lot more information has come to light since the story first broke of Ashton cheating on Demi on their 6th year wedding anniversary. 

Here a list of the more important details: Demi's plummeting weight, stories of Ashton cheating a month into their marriage, 3 somes and having an open marriage, and the fact that he reportedly didn't use condoms with the 22 year old Sara Leal. 

I could write an entire blog post on each of the emerging details, but want to focus on only a few of them. There has been a lot of speculation that one of the ways Demi has tried to show Ashton that she is a "cool" wife is by engaging in 3 somes and having an open marriage. In case you have forgoten, Demi is 15 years older than Ashton and is largely known for starting the whole "cougar" movement. According to numerous reports, Demi has been struggling with the reality of becoming an older female actor in Hollywood and has spent a small fortune on various cosmetic and plastic surgeries. You don't have to be a brainiac to figure out that she currently looks very, very different from the time she first entered the Hollywood scene. 

  
(Demi Moore circa 1984 - 1987)

As a sexuality speaker, I give lots of presentations on body image and how our relationship with our body can impact our sexuality. I think it is fascinating that someone as attractive as Demi has allegedly such low personal self esteem that she willingly engages in behavior that ends up de-valuing who she is as a person. For instance, it seems that she came up with the open marriage clause in an attempt to show Ashton that she is cool and understanding of his sexual needs. In fact, one might argue that only someone who is incredibly comfortable with their sense of self and relationship would so openly agree to this type of arrangement. I, on the contrary, see it as a huge red flag that she is insecure almost to the point of it being delusional. 

What do I mean by that?

Here is what I have gathered from the media. Demi has always been insecure in her looks and has undergone numerous cleanses, fasts, restrictive diets, leech treatments, and over $250k on plastic surgeries in order to keep her looking and feeling youthful. She has never been shy about showing off her body and doing nude scenes. She also famously posed for the cover of Vanity Fair when she was in her last trimester of one of her pregnancies wearing nothing but stiletto heels and diamonds. At the time I thought this was a beautiful and powerful image of female sexuality and empowerment. It was banned on many grocery shelves for being too sexual so Vanity Fair had to shrink-wrap that particular edition in a way that showed her famous face, but not her naked and pregnant body. I have to admit that I liked her a lot after that so-called racy photo shoot. For me it signifies a time in her life where she appeared to be most confident and comfortable in her body. However, that Vanity Fair photo shoot was about 20 years ago. 

I'm no plastic surgeon but it appeared to me that up until that time of the photo shoot, Demi had only undergone cosmetic surgery for her teeth and breasts (and these things are not at all uncommon for actors working in Hollywood). I'm also no therapist but it seems like her irrational body image issues really raised their ugly head in the past 15 years.

The reason I bring all this up is that whatever marital arrangement she and Ashton had, it seems to me that they were motivated by fear, anxiety, and desperation. Quite simply, her attempt to look "cool" backfired. 

As a sex educator and sex coach, I know that open marriages and engaging in 3 somes are not uncommon sexual behaviors. It is not always an easy path to negotiate so confidence in your primary relationship along with a lot of open and honest communication and mutually agreed upon ground rules are usually necessary for this type of relationship to be successful. 

My issue is that it doesn't really feel like this situation came from two consenting and confident adults who came to this decision mutually and organically. It seems like it was an idea cooked up by Demi in an attempt to keep her man happy, and that her main rule was that he not "embarrass her". I feel sad that, for all her money and beauty, Demi's self esteem and self worth appear to be in the shitter. It also troubles me that, for whatever reason, Ashton didn't have the communication skill set to assure his wife of her beauty and his love for her. Not knowing Ashton or Demi, I can almost guarantee that using condoms and having safer sex was high on their list of ground rules for an open marriage. It's no secret that, at 48 years old, Demi has had a difficult time conceiving a child with Ashton. The fact that he had unprotected sex with someone else brings the potential of him fathering a child with someone who isn't Demi. It also exposes him and Demi to STI's. I think these two things definitely fall into the "embarassing" category. 

In these type of situations it is often very easy to make one person the monster and the other the person who gets all the sympathy. It feels more to me like someone (Demi) brought up a concept that could potentially work--but for all the wrong reasons. It also seems that, for all of his gratuitous and public cooing of his wife, Ashton lacked the ability to properly communicate his feelings to her in private. 

Let me be clear that I do not know any of them personally. However, it seems to me that, no matter how unfortunate and public their situation is, people can still learn from it. 

Does Hollywood + Marriage = Doom?

I would first like to make a confession that I am one of those people who buys those deliciously awful tabloid magazines like US and OK. It started years ago, and after a long day of dealing with the issues facing HIV positive youth and a 90 mile commute, I really looked forward to going home and turning off my brain. 

One thing I can't stand, and you would have thought couples would have learned by now, is when celebrities gloat about how perfect their Hollywood marriage is. Seriously, it is like the kiss of death when it comes to celebrity couples. 

It is completely ridiculous to me that two grown people will talk, tweet, and/or facebook about how perfect and in love their relationship is. Instead of making a person seem sweet and genuine, it tends to make someone look desperate. Instead of making a person appear to be confident in their relationship, I believe they are subconsciously saying "see how loveable I really am!" When the relationship goes south, and it almost always does, it is the same freaking celebrities asking the public to "respect their privacy during this difficult time". 

Ain't that some shit.

Pretty much all I hear in my head is this: "We will talk in excruciating detail about how much we love each other and maybe even dish on how hot our sex life is, but how dare you expect me to answer questions surrounding why the relationship ended!" 

This is where I call bullshit on celebrities. You can't have it both ways. 

(would someone who has good self esteem post this?)

I am confident that I am not the only person who was sick of hearing about how lovey dovey Ashton and Demi's relationship was. Due to their constant praise for each other, I now know that they like to watch tv shows while naked in their bed, and that Ashton believes that he is basically a freaking accessory (yes, like a handbag or shoes) to Demi's outfits. And even though I follow neither of them on twitter, I somehow have the knowledge that Demi's twitter handle is "Ms. Kutcher". Apparently this isn't the first time cheating allegations have been swirling around these two. From what I have picked up from the magazines is that Ashton had been accused of cheating in the past but that Demi chose to stand by her man. It's not so easy now that there is photographic evidence. I don't care how good an actor you are, you don't have a lot of ground to stand on when pictures enter the equation. 

As of the time I am writing this blog post, neither have filed for divorce. I would not be surprised to see an announcement in the near future about their separation. However, I do hear that they have been engaged in marriage counseling through Kabbalah. You know, because Kabbalah marriage counseling worked so well for Madonna and Guy Ritchie. That, my friends, is sarcasm. 

There have also been preliminary reports that another Hollywood couple may be heading towards spiltsville. Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber, although never married, are raising two children together. Reports are that Liev cheated on Naomi during the same weekend Ashton allegedly cheated on Demi. I admit that Naomi and Liev do not shove their relationship down our throats the way Ashton and Demi did. However, I just read a quote where Naomi basically said they didn't necessarily need to get married because you can't get any more committed to someone then when you raise kids together. 

It may not seem like it, but I take little joy in pointing out the obvious when it comes to celebrity relationships. However, no one likes a gloater. Relationships can be very difficult to navigate. Talking about them so publicly can really set you up for failure. 

Am I proposing that all celebrities stop talking about their love-lives? Absolutely not! My gossip mags would get pretty darn thin if that were to suddenly start happening. However, I do think a little common sense is in order. 

Honestly, if I were married to a celebrity and he was accused of cheating, my stance would be "Yes, I am aware of him being with someone else. We have an agreement in our marriage that allows for this, so it isn't actually cheating is it?" When things are less sensationalized, the media becomes bored very easily. It may, on the other hand, open up an entire new can of worms as people would be very curious about the openness of your marriage. Even if this wasn't the actual agreement and he cheated, I would still go with this game plan and then deal with the matter privately. Don't ask me why I've thought about this particular situation so much, because I have no good answer for you. 

In closing, remember that no one likes a gloater. Back when Jen and Brad were still a couple, I remember reading an article where Brad likened their marriage to "doing naked cartwheels". We all know how that situation ended. 

My plea to celebrities is to enjoy and cherish your relationships for how ever long they last. But, for the love of god, don't open yourself up to so much public scrutiny by gloating about how great things are. Also, if you had once exuberantly talked about your fabulous relationship and it is now kaput, don't walk out of an interview if you are asked about why your relationship ended.

How I Knew I Met the "One"

Today is my 20 year anniversary of being with my ridiculously smart, handsome, and patient husband. It also marks out 16 year wedding anniversary. 

People often ask me how I knew he was the "one". Although there were a lot of signs that showed me he was one great human being, it came down to one factor for me. He was the only person I had ever dated where I simply could not for-see how we would break up. As someone who tends to over analyze a lot of things that are both minor and major, I didn't see a scenario that would lead to our demise. It may sound as a weird sign that I knew I had met the one, but that is my story and I'm sticking to it. 

We got married young, and statistically speaking, we probably shouldn't still be together. We've grown up a lot as well and somehow grew together and not apart.

I don't talk about him a lot on my blog or facebook page for many reasons. The biggest one is that he holds several high level security clearances and I never wanted anything I publicly said to trip those security radars. It's funny that people in my family as well as many friends think he is in the CIA. The nature of his work doesn't necessarily allow him to share the ins and outs of what he does. And for the record, he does not work for the CIA.

I also get asked a lot about why I think our marriage works. All I can say is that he makes me laugh every day, makes me want to be a better person, gives me the space and independence I need, and is one of the smartest fuckers I have ever met in my life. He is someone who tends to notice almost everything including my expensive and sometimes impulsive vices like new shoes, bags, jewelry, etc., and loves me in spite of me being his biggest lifestyle expense. 

Oh, and he also remembers my quirks about floral bouquets and sent me a gorgeous anniversary bouquet. It is so lovely to receive a huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers instead of always being the one to send them to other people!