I've been hugely fortunate in that I know some really amazing female writers. And even though I have never met them in person, I am thrilled that I have been asked to help contribute to articles they are writing on the topic of human sexuality.
My most recent inclusion was for an article for the wildly popular website, thefrisky.com, and the story is a practical guide to couples with different body types.
This is what the article (minus the photos) said:
On Tuesday’s “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” teensy-tiny actress Hayden Panettiere, who’s 5-foot-1, told DeGeneres that fans are always approaching her and asking how she manages to have sex with her boyfriend, 6-foot-6 Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko.
“I get the rudest prudest people coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’” Panettiere said. “Yeah, it works. We find a way.”
She went on to say that the people who are the most curious about their bedroom habits are conservative types. Well, call me a pervert (or would it be a prude?), but after I heard that little anecdote, I started to wonder the same thing about … well, everybody.
It can’t be easy for Kim Kardashian, 5-foot-2, and her current ’baller beau, Kris Humphries, 6-foot-9, to get horizontal. Same goes for everyday couples with different proportions that we see walking down the street hand in hand.
So how can partners who have totally different body types have the hottest sex possible? A few of the country’s top sexperts offered their opinions on the perfect down-and-dirty positions for “mismatched” partners…
IF … Your Guy Is Super-Tall
Best positions: Standing up; sitting on his face for oral
“Standing positions work well,” says Los Angeles sex expert Dr. Patti Britton. “His longer body can hold her up — like, she’s facing him in his arms, legs wrapped around him, and he is positioned with a leg up on a chair or leaning against a wall. This is very common in the kama sutra.”
Increase the intensity of this position by using the bathroom sink (taller than a regular table!) for sexual congress, suggests Catherine Toyooka, a San Francisco sex coach.
“Sit on the edge of the sink counter,” she instructs. “Your man can enter you from this position and then alter the way he’s standing to get better leverage. You can slightly vary this position by crossing your legs around his back and having him scoop his hands under your tush for deeper penetration.”
Also, have fun with oral: “Sit on his face, have him give you a pearl necklace while straddling you, give him some good old-fashioned Russian (between the boobs), or grant him a facial,” says Dr. Christine Milrod, a sex therapist in Los Angeles who also sees patients via Skype.
IF … He’s Shorter Than Average
Best positions: Sitting facing each other; “froggy”-style sex
“Here’s where you can go egalitarian,” says Dr. Milrod. “Because there are no long legs to get tangled up, you can sit facing each other on the bed, with your legs wrapped around each other’s hips in a total merger. Or put on a pair of heels, plant yourself on his penis, and [do it] standing. Great for tight spots with not much room to move or quickies in restrooms or other naughty public places.”
And at the risk of sounding cute, instead of doggie-style, try assuming a “froggy” position instead, says Toyooka.
“Rear entry can be really fun,” she says. “Start in a doggie position and then begin to lower your legs further down the bed, so you are almost in a lying position.”
IF ... Your Man Has A Large Frame Or Is Carrying Around A Few Extra Pounds
Best positions: Cowgirl, 69
“Big guys can really take a pounding, so don’t worry about hurting him,” says Dr. Milrod. “A fun thing to do is 69, with him beneath you. Since he’s pretty much unbreakable, lie down flat and squeeze his body while you [grind] into his face.”
Cowgirl is also a no-brainer, but don’t forget the humble spoon. “Spooning is a good way with large bodies,” Britton says. “The largeness of a belly may get in the way, but [the couple] can ooze into contact.” So to speak.
A major tool for different body shapes is a pillow. If you crave something a little more traditional with your beefy dude, here’s a suggestion:
“Try a modified missionary position, where the woman is lying on her back, and prop a pillow or two under her tush,” says Toyooka. “Now the man can kneel or position himself between his partner while still being able to thrust with vigor.”
IF ... He’s So Skinny You Have A (Somewhat Irrational) Fear Of Crushing Him
Best positions: Reverse cowgirl, missionary
“Tender little skateboarder types should best be laid down flat while you practice some reverse Asian cowgirl,” says Dr. Milrod. “This means straddling him with your back facing him and grabbing his bent knobby knees for support. Great for serious G-spot action. Skinny guys can usually go longer: After all, they are not dragging around a lot of extra weight. And surprisingly, many of them sport some very large penises, so there’s meat where it counts!”
Even if your guy is as petite as they come, remember: No body image issues allowed.
“Many skinny men actually sort of fetishize being with big beautiful women,” Britton says. “There is a porn genre of fetish called BBW for this.”
And what if you’ve tried a few different things, but sex is still really awkward? Trial and error, baby — and do it all with a smile on your face.
“The best sex occurs when you laugh yourself into bed with somebody,” says Dr. Roger Libby, a sex therapist in Seattle. “Most people take sex way too seriously.”