Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Fear and Dating

Fear seems to be one of the most prevalent issues with many of my dating coach clients. 

Fear of rejection.

Fear of being seen as too needy if they want to be a priority in their relationship.  

Fear of feeling they are not worthy of love.

As a dating coach there are lots of ways I can help clients get over being so fearful that they live in a state of perpetual dating purgatory. I've found that clients tend to be the most successful when they are seeing a therapist at the same time they are seeking dating coach services. Let's face it, I am not a therapist. I also do not pretend to be something I am not. Fear of rejection is something almost all dating coaches deal with. Fear of truly feeling like you are not worthy of love is something best left to a trained professional. 

Here's the thing about having fear of rejection--everyone has gone through it. Everyone! I'm happy to report that the world is filled with those of us (yes, even me) who have been rejected and have managed to move on. Rejection tends to feel so, so personal even in the event that is not the case. Rather, rejection usually has more to do with the person doing the rejecting (them) than the person getting rejected (you). 

Think about it. I'm sure most of you can recall a time in which you rejected someone based on YOUR initial impression of someone, because they reminded YOU of someone you don't care for, or YOU were in a shitty mood. Everyone does this to some extent, and most of the time we are not even aware that it is going on. In these cases, there is little that can be done because it is not about you. 

It is helpful to keep in mind that rejection happens to everyone, and the more "no's" you get can mean you are getting closer to a "yes". 

People who know me well already know that I initially rejected my husband. Yep, it's true. It's also true that we have been together for 20 years. I pursued him and basically asked him to talk with me at a party. At the time, I thought he was absolutely attractive, but a tad boring. I left my future husband to go flirt with someone else who wanted nothing sexual to do with me. What turned it around for me was that this guy (who I thought was so boring) actually remembered what we talked about and approached me the next time we were in the same room. Remembering what we talked about and continuing the conversation even after I ditched him made me realize that I had greatly mis-judged this hot guy. What I read as boring was really more about him being shy, not having "game", and being a little awkward. 

Fear is not just limited to being rejected if you approach someone. I've had numerous clients stay in relationships they admit were un-fulfilling because they were at least certain that the person they were currently dating likes them. I've even had a client who stayed in a 2 year relationship even though she knew FROM THE SECOND DATE that this person was not a great match. 

Many people stay in bad relationships because they don't believe they can do any better. Sometimes they believe that their partner will grow to love them in time. Sometimes people wish upon a star that their regular booty call will turn into a real relationship. What I tend to see is lots of people who end up de-valuing their worth for the sake of not being alone. Men and women are usually shocked to realize that their partner is not making them a priority in their life. Instead of being number 1 or 2, they are often 3 or 4 or even 5 on the list of priorities.

But what does that look like?

When I ask my clients to prioritize their partner's responsibilities, it often looks like this:

1. career/work/job
2. children
3. ex-spouse
4. client

Clearly this situation is not great. 

There are many times when my clients will say that they completely ignored red flags near the beginning of their relationships. As a dating coach I believe that more people would benefit from accepting what others tell them. If someone says they are not ready for a relationship, that they aren't looking for anything serious, are a bad boy/girl friend, etc. then, for the love of god, believe them. 

This is not to say that I am someone who has no fear. I fear many things: fear that my career has peaked, fear that my loved ones will not truly know just how much I love and adore them, fear that people think I'm not a LGTBQIQ ally, fear that people will publicly call me out on aspects of my personality that I am all too familiar with. I have never been someone who had a fear of rejection when it comes to dating. I mean, really. The worst thing someone can say is "no", and I can live with that. 

Catherine Takes on Being an Adult Virgin

It's interesting that, with in a few weeks, I received a few questions asking about how to deal with adult virginity. 

Here is one question:

"Dear Catherine,

I'm at my breaking point and hope you can offer me some advice. I'm older, female, over 30, and have a very demanding job. I am also still a virgin. Sex just never seemed that important to me in the past. Growing up with strict parents who expected me to succeed in school and professionally has a lot to do with it. In fact, I have very, very little dating experience. Since I'm starting to put myself out there in the dating world, I'm not sure how or if I should bring this up. 

I guess I always saw myself loosing my virginity to someone I was in a committed, monogamous relationship. But one part of me just wants me to do it and get it over with. Please help!" 

Hi there and thanks so much for the great question. 

It is not totally uncommon for some people to wait until they are older to begin sexual activity. It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate, and that you are finally ready to get out there and get your date on!

My first suggestion is that you never lead with "I'm a virgin". I would not put this on any type of personal ad (like craigslist) or dating profile (like match.com). It is totally fine to let your potential suitors know that you take things very slowly when it comes to sexual intimacy, but depending on how the date is going, I might hold off until this conversation comes up organically. 

For instance, if you are on a first date and your date gives you a first kiss, this is not the best time to blurt out "you know, I only have sex with people I'm in a committed relationship with." If you enjoy the kiss, then get into it and see what type of chemistry you have. 

When it comes to sex, my feeling is that it is perfectly acceptable to talk about (sometimes this requires negotiation like what type of protection are we going to use, what do you want to know about my sexual health, etc.) potential sexual activity prior to being in the moment. Once you are certain that you want to go farther with your partner, then let them know that you like to take things slowly. Again, this probably isn't the time to bring up the fact that you are a virgin. 

Here's why (and this based on talking to thousands of guys in the past 10 years):

Sometimes men will see a virgin as a challenge. Remember this isn't true of all men! If your date sees you as a challenge then he is going to probably push you into engagning in an activity just to say that they de-flowered an adult virgin. Most of your chats and conversations will probably be highly sexual. Again, this isn't true of all men. However, once you and your date have had sex, it is likely that he could lose interest in you. Think of it kinda as if they are getting a trophy. 

On the other hand, some (remember not all) men might see dating a virgin as too big of a deal (and by deal, I mean drama). They might be concerned that you will fall in love with them, become needy, and/or expect a relationship. Some men view adult virgins to be red flags. 

I have a feeling that you are going to want to share the fact you are a virgin with whomever you first have sex with. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like you would be very happy with yourself if you just had sex with someone for the sake of having that experience. 

My suggestion is that you have fun dating different people to gain some needed dating experience. You can still engage in a lot of fun sexual activity that doesn't include penetration. This is good experience for you to gauge how sexual someone is and what their feelings are about having sex with someone either in or out of a committed relationship. 

Don't get me wrong. By no means do I suggest that this going to be a quick and easy process. You know yourself better than anyone else. If you find someone who you are falling for and you want to have sex with them, then let them know you are ready to engage in penetration. 

Remember that there is no need to let potential dates you are a virgin. If you come across someone who says "I would never date a virgin" then you know that person isn't for you. I would, however, be curious to know exactly why they have such strong feelings about it. 

Good luck, have lots of fun out there, and let me know what happens!

Ok, the Bad Dating Profile Photos Need to Stop

How is it possible that I'm still talking about the need to post good dating profile photos. This post is totally apropos as I recently updated the pictures on my business website, Catherine Coaches.

My personal story is that, as a business owner, I feel the need for people to take me, my business, and what I do seriously. Accordingly, I had a bunch of professional head shots done for the launch of my website. They were definitely professional. The problem was is that they didn't really convey my personality, and I wasn't keen on changing them because of the money I had spent on them. One of my friends mentioned to me a couple of times that a few of those "professional" photos looked like I was holding some tension in my face. As much as I would love to deny it, it was true! 

When it comes to photographs, I am someone for whom many people have told me "you look much better in person." I've stopped counting the number of individuals who have said this. Perhaps one reason I am not so photogenic is because of my mixed ethnicity. I feel like, when I smile in photos, my half-Japanese eyes become very chinky. And yes, I really just used that word. In other words, when I smile, my asian-ness comes out in full force. Years ago I was a child model. A model who never smiled in any of the pictures, that is. When I looked at some of the photos my parents still still had in their possession I had to laugh because I look so serious.  

So what do you do when someone tells you that new photos are in order?

Well, if you are me, you put on your big girl panties and set up a tripod and camera. It was uncomfortable, it made me sweat (but then again, almost anything does), but I got through it. In fact, in about 1 hour I got several pictures that I am actually ok with. 

The picture where I looked tense was this one:

So my big take away is that people want a smiley Catherine. 

But how does this apply to you?

I've recently seen some really, truly awful dating profiles. The problem usually lies with people not looking at all like who they are. More importantly, the pictures don't show the person's personality. Sometimes I will get push back from people who are not ready to change their dating profile photos. They say that they are getting plenty of dates, which I totally believe is the case. But you have to admit that it is hard to fight with my logic when I say that a better quality of photographs will lead to better qualities of dates.

My specific suggestions to crafting some kick ass dating profile photos are:

• Get feedback on your current dating profile photos
• Practice smiling in the mirror
• Wear something you feel comfortable in & something that isn't too "busy"
• Invest in a cheap tripod (if you don't already have one) or borrow one from a friend
• Set up your photo on auto-timer and click away
• Change your top or jewelry after a bunch of shots 
• Pick the pictures that you are immediately drawn to, edit them appropriately, and post those suckers

Things you DON'T want in a dating profile picture are:

• You in a group. Seriously, who needs the competition?
• You with your underage children...think about it
• You being so far away that you look like a tiny ant
• Not smiling in any of the photos
• Not showing your figure in any of the photos

Remember that your goal is to capture bits of your personality in dating profile photos. If you have a head shot from work, go ahead and use it (but I recommend that it's not your primary photo). 

Remember that I ocassionally blog and post dating profile pictures that belong in the "hall of shame". Keep sending me those gems!

 

I Love This: Norah Jones in "Dealbreaker"

Norah Jones is the shit. Pure and simple. She is enormously talented and versatile. She is also one of those few women that makes my heart swoon.

What can I say? She just totally does it for me.

I was delighted and surprised to see her involvement in a viral video called "Dealbreaker" the band White on Rice (she is part of the 3 person group).

Get ready to see Norah Jones as you've never seen her before. She acts campy, wears wigs and costumes, hams it up, and manages to look like she is having the time of her life. I'm not kidding when I say I peed a little when I first saw the video. 

(yep, that's her on the far right!)

Being that it is Valentine's Day, it is apropos to post this hilarious video about the ups and downs of dating. 

 

Here are the lyrics, but I warn you, they are in all caps so reading them is kind of a bitch. 

LYRICS:

NOW, BACHELOR # 1, IS A GENTLEMAN
HE HOLDS THE DOOR, HAILS THE CAB, HIS SHIRT IS TUCKED IN.
I FINALLY FOUND A MAN WITH A JOB, HE GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER
SOMEONE PINCH ME PLEASE 
GIRL YOU MUST BE DREAMIN

ITS TIME TO GET IT ON
LET'S SEE SOME FIRE WORKS 
HE GOT HER SCREAMIN SO YOU'D THINK THAT SHE'S
ENJOYING THE PERKS
HA! BUT IT'S THE NASTY BREATH THAT MAKES ME HAVE TO DISS
BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES MR HALITOSIS

DEALBREAKER YOURE JUST WASTIN' MY TIME
UP TIL NOW EVERYTHING WAS GOING JUST FINE 
I THOUGHT I HAD FOUND A PERFECT MAN,
TIL YOU RELEASED THE DRAGON
LADY BONER'S SAGGIN
WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO AND BREAK A DEAL LIKE THAT

BACHELOR # 2 IS LOOKING FINE, OH MY
HE TREATS ME REALLY NICE, HE LIKES TO WINE AND DINE
HE TAKES HER TO THE MET AND SYMPHONY AND BUYS HER JIMMY CHOOS I THINK SHE FOUND A POT OF GOLD 
HER PERFECT VALENTINE.

THE NIGHT WAS CRAZY HAZY SO I'M SLEEPING IN
HE CURLS UP RIGHT BEHIND ME AND HE'S WHISPERING.
"UH OH! IS SOMEBODY A WITTLE BIT COWD? "
THIS FOOL IS BABY TALKIN ME LIKE I AM 4 YEARS OLD.

DEALBREAKER YOURE JUST WASTIN' MY TIME
UP TIL NOW EVERYTHING WAS GOING JUST FINE
I DON'T WANT TO RUB YOUR BA-BY FAT
YOU GOTCHA DIAPER POOPY, CRYIN FOR THE BOOBY, 
WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO AND BREAK A DEAL LIKE THAT?

IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG TO SEE WHAT IS WRONG WITH BACHELOR 3 
YOUD HOPE TO ONLY SEE THIS ON REALITY TV.
BECAUSE WHEN IT'S TIME TO HIT IT
HE FORGETS TO USE HIS ARMS
HE'S A CADAVER HE JUST LAYS ALL OF HIS WEIGHT ON ME
NOW HIS PELVIS MIGHT BE PUMPIN LIKE A TROPHY BUCK
BUT HE'S CRUSHING THIS FLOWER LIKE A MONSTER TRUCK
HE MIGHT HAVE A NICE BODY WITH ROCK HARD PECS
GIRL YOU KNOW I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR DEAD CORPSE SEX.

HELL NO! TO THE BOLO TIE
HELL NO! TO THE BICURIOUS GUY
HELL NO! TO HAIR LIKE DONNY TRUMP
HELL NO! HE WAS A TWO PUMP CHUMP
HELL NO! HE SMELLS LIKE GREY POUPON
HELL NO! HE'S GOT PATCHOULI ON
HELL NO! HE'S WHITE BUT THINKS HE'S BLACK
HELL NO! HE'S INTO NICKELBACK

THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING TO THIS TALE SO DON'T YOU FRET
CUT TO ME WITH JAMES (FRANCO) HEADING TO HIS PRIVATE JET 
YEAH I'LL HAVE ANOTHER MIMOSA WITH A MANICURE
ON OUR WAY TO PARIS JUST TO GET AWAY, "BONJOUR"

SO LADIES YOU JUST HAVE TO PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT
AND YOU CAN BE LIKE ME WITH FRANCO EVERY SIN-GLE NIGHT
HES PULLING DOWN HIS PANTS AND UNBUTTONING MY BLOUSE 
HE'S PACKIN MORE BUSH THAN THE WHITE HOUSE!

DEALBREAKER YOURE JUST WASTIN' MY TME
UP TIL NOW EVERYTHING WAS GOING JUST FINE 
I THOUGHT I HAD FOUND THE MAN OF MY DREAMS,
SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE
HIS PENIS SMELLS LIKE PEE,
NOW I'MA HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS BROKEN DEAL. 

EWWW... AND HIS PANTS HAD AN ELASTIC WAISTBAND.
GROSS.

Catherine's Big Book Review "Free Love" by Thomas Kelleher

I admit that I am horrible at product reviews most of the time. I wish I could guarantee a 6 week turn-around, but that would just be setting me up for failure. This book review has been a long time coming. 

"Free Love--True Stories of Love and Lust on the Internet" by local author Thomas Kelleher is a very fun, quick, and interesting read. Although many of the people talk about using other dating/sex forums besides CL, it seems to be the main source of peoples stories. One part of me, however, is jealous that he put this information into a book because I have sooooo much experience with Craigslist (CL). 

I'm jealous because I pioneered online outreach to the young LGBT community in San Francisco in 2002. I presented all over the country about how engaging in risky sexual encounters was responsible, in part, for a growing number of HIV and STI cases. I also did what is now called "online outreach" where an educator takes to the internet to provide accurate information on sex as well as local HIV/STI testing sites. It seriously never occurred to me that it was a potential book idea.

But enough about me. 

What I really like about this book is the way it is formatted. Just like in CL, the chapters are designated into men for men, men for women, women for men, women for women, missed encounters, and casual encounters. The left side of the page shows the original ad or posting the person was using in order to find someone, and the right side (and, in some cases, pages) tells the anecdotal story of what happened in response to that particular posting. 

It's entertaining, compelling and voyeuristic. As someone who majored in sociology, this book is treasure trove of data on what it's like to have relationships, date, and have sex in the internet era. 

Because I have so much personal experience with CL, many of the original ads were a tad too familiar. Some of the anecdotal stories were also a bit commonplace, but I found them to be really interesting and kept me entertained.

The people in the book basically fall into a few different categories: people who were placing ads as a joke or a bet (in other words for shits & giggles), people who were looking for long term relationships, and people who were looking for sex. Lots and lots of sex.

I found it intriguing that a number of people never admitted or wanted it to "get out" that they used online forums like CL to find a partner. In all fairness though, it seemed to me that the people who were embarrassed about using the internet to find dates were in an older demographic and fondly re-called the good old days of having to place personal ads in the paper. 

More than a few people found real love online and are either engaged or married. A few posters met potential dates whose mental health was questionable to say the least. There were also a few red flags going off in my head when I read certain anecdotal stories. I'm not a therapist or mental health worker, but it seems like a few of the people who placed the ads could benefit from a couple therapy sessions. 

People have long loved the internet because of the feeling of anonymity. Yes they do! Engaging in cyber sex, sexy phone calls, steamy texts, and naked picture exchanges can be really intoxicating. It can also be a fabulous way to safely explore the depths of your personal sexual fantasies.

Talking about sex or what you want to do with someone online gives you much more courage than if you were standing next to that person. The internet can give you the confidence and assurance to vocalize thoughts that you might never say if you were in a traditional dating setting. Incidentally, I also think that online dating is a great way to negotiate what you are looking for, what you are willing to do sexually, and it is one of the easiest ways to broach the topic of sexual health. You can weed through people quickly to suit what you are looking for (especially if you ask the right questions), and it can also make the whole idea of rejection less personal. 

People also lie. A lot. The internet just makes it a hell of a lot easier to get away with lies for a longer amount of time. My personal experience is that, in general, women are always 20 pounds heavier and older than they report. Men, on the other hand, are always shorter, make less money, have less hair, and weigh more than they report.

People love sending the most flattering pictures of themselves, even if that picture is 2, 5, 10 or more years old. Not everyone does this, but many stories in the book "Free Love" talk about how a person was over 100 pounds more than what they stated or was bald or balding when they stated they had hair. 

On the internet, people love to pretend they aren't married or attached. Like I said before, the internet is intoxicating that way. Several stories address the horror of finding out the hard and unpleasant way that people who claim to be single are married or otherwise coupled. 

Of course, like any good gay, my personal favorite stories came from the men seeking men category. I always find it particularly interesting when a man claims he is "St8" (for those of you who don't know this term, it means straight) but wants to find a jack off buddy, someone who will suck him off, or someone who will let him top (after all, some people don't believe they are engaging in homosexual activity if they are not the person being penetrated). 

Internet dating has forever changed the way in which people meet, date, and have sex. The book "Free Love" gives you a raw and voyeuristic view into what internet dating and "hooking up" is all about. The bottom line is that no one wants to be rejected, are longing for a connection (even if it is purely sexual), and maybe, just maybe, fall in love. 

Teens, Sex, and Communication

As a sexuality educator, I know too well that abstinence only sex education doesn't work. Study after study prove it. More recently, it has been shown that youth who take a "virginity pledge" are merely substituting other high risk sexual activities in lieu of vaginal penetration. 

Let me be clear that I believe abstinence has a place in sex education--when it is part of a comprehensive sex education program. Being part of a larger conversation about sex and sexuality makes a lot of sense to me. It is the abstinence "only" part that drives me a little nutso.

I'm not a professional wordsmith, but I have enough knowledge to know that the word "withholding" is synonymous with "abstinence", which makes almost no sense to me. Seriously, think about it for a minute.

Communication is truly one of the most important tools anyone uses in their life. However, most people are never taught how to effectively communicate with...really..anyone. Peers, bosses, kids, family, and the list goes on and on. 

Using an abstinence only model (with virginity pledges) is really only getting youth to agree to something they don't consent to (as well as depriving youth from learning how to communicate around the topics of sex and sexuality.) Consent is difficult to reach if you are purposely leaving important information out. Maybe I'm a bit dense, but what is the harm with giving youth accurate information about sex education?

Learning to make good decisions is part of getting older, isn't it? Giving youth comprehensive information on sex education allows them to know what the risks are for pregnancy or HIV/STI transmission and how they can prevent it. I, for one, would be incredibly happy to never hear about a new season of "16 and pregnant" or "Teen Moms".  

I've worked with a lot of youth in my undergraduate (interning at a juvenile prison & interning with a juvenile probation office) and professional life. My post college work with youth has been as a case manager at a half-way house (in other words, youth who were released directly from prison), as a probation office (and an active participant in a "teen court" program), and working with both HIV positive and HIV negative youth in the San Francisco Bay Area.

In short, I have had a lot of experience with youth--everyone from LGBTQIQ youth who are marginally housed and homeless to students who attend some of the finest (ie expensive & progressive) private college preparatory schools. When it comes to college age youth, I've provided sex education to people attending community colleges as well as premiere universities like Stanford. 

Even though I am a non-breeder, I truly love being around teens and young adults. I hear so many parents complain about how they can't relate to their children and that they have no idea what they might or might not be doing sexually. The thing is, with me, I have the exact opposite effect with youth. Basically they tell me in intimate details who, where, and when they have hooked up with sexually. Some have even drawn me flow-charts...I'm not even kidding about this.

Maybe it's because I don't have my own kids that I am able to relate so well (and in such a meaningful way) to youth. Maybe it's because I am super awesome sex educator, or maybe it's because I am perpetually curious and am genuinely interested in speaking with them. Also, I may look younger than I am, but many of the high school youth I had daily contact with were young enough to be my children. So why is it that, in general, youth are so open to talking about sex and sexuality with me?

Here are a few of my thoughts on why youth are so willing to talk openly about sex with me. 

I relate to them on their level. Ok, so maybe this makes me a bit un-sophisticated and immature, but I can talk to most youth about almost anything. It usually starts out with me asking something like:

    "Whats going on at school?"

    "Are you interested in anyone in particular?"

    "What's the newest update with you, give me the 411",

    "Hey, are you thinking about college yet?",

    "What do you do for fun?"

    or even

    "So, have you been getting any penetration lately?"

Being that I am a super curious person, all I have to do is open the door with a few open-ended questions and the proverbial flood gates open up. I also come from a place that I recognize youth are sexual beings, which is something really difficult for a parent to conceive of.

I've figured out that there is an art to asking the correct questions. For example, If they say they have, indeed, had penetration, I will ask what kind, did they enjoy it, how do they feel about it now, is it with someone serious, do they need condoms and lube, etc. 

It's been my experience that youth are way smarter and intuitive than they are given credit for. The youth I have known are really open to confiding intimate details about their life because they see me as a trusted adult and/or ally. 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm advocating parents to go out and become their children's best friend. I mean, look at how well that has turned out for Lindsay Lohan and her mom. There needs to be some sort of rules or parameters, and those should be set by the parent.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want people to think youth gravitate towards me because they see me as their pal and, therefore, a push over because 1) If you know anything about me and my past work experience (see above), you know I am anything but a push over, and 2) I have never had a problem calling a youth out on their shit. My process looks something like this--we have a private conversation, we discuss whatever the issue is and I then communicate what type of behavior is expected from them moving forward, and then I drop it and move on. I've lost count the number of times youth were obviously squeamish to be around me after our little private conversation. They are usually blown away that I am still around for them after they have messed up. I think it is these type of instances where I have left the biggest mark on emerging youth. There have been many times when I (along with other youth service providers) have been the first healthy relationship a youth has had with an adult, and it is something I take very seriously. Being an active person in a teens life can have dramatic results, even if that time is limited to only a few months. 

I know that this might seem like a radical way of interacting with youth. Open and honest communication...how novel!  

I get that not everyone is going to have the capacity to do this. In that case, the best I can hope for is that those youth have some adult in their life who they feel comfortable discussing this stuff with.

Or, you can always send them my way. 

**Scarleteen, Sexetc.org, & Go Ask Alice are all wonderful sexuality resources!

Super Awesome Free Download!

About 5 years ago I met someone in person who knocked my socks off. Smart as a whip, confident, down to earth, fearless, and easy on the eyes are terms that come to mind when I think about Becca Brewer. 

Quite frankly, she was the bomb. She still is. 

You all are probably familiar with her name because I have used some of her "BeccasSexBlog" posts as she graciously allowed me to rerun a few that are my most favorite.

Becca is what I would consider a certified gold sex educator. 

Her newest venture is called "SmartHotFun", and you can find out all about her, the work she does, and how to contact her from her website.

Becca has taken the time and love to put together a super comprehensive set of charts called the Want!Will...Won't.Chart. This is an amaze-balls tool that helps you clarify exactly what YOU want when it comes to sexual activity. This chart can be used by anyone regardless of your current sex situation. Think of it as a kind of Yes, No, Maybe chart, only way better. 

Becca has given me permission to distribute her chart to my readers. You can download it from my website by going here. You can also get to it by clicking on the "Get Our Free Want!Will...Won't.Chart" button found in the upper left of my blog.

This pdf download will be sent for FREE to the email address you provide.

One word of caution is that this chart is the mother of all charts. It comes with a full set of instructions, and you can fill it out at your leisure. There is no time limit and you can feel free to share some or all of your results with your partner(s) when ever you are ready. If you never want to show the chart to someone you are sleeping with, that is totally alright. It is more of an empowerment tool for YOU.

Thanks Becca!

New Boyfriend Meeting the Family? Holiday Dos and Don'ts (Guest Blogger)

Hello my lovelies!

Thanks to the fabulousness that is twitter, I have become friends with a totally fierce woman.

Abiola Abrams (@abiolatv) is a force to be reckoned with! Since I would never be able to do her mini biography justice, so here is how she describes herself

Celebrity Love & Lifestyle Journalist

Author, Personality, Love &  Lifestyle Expert  

Abiola Abrams, your favorite bad girl + good woman, writes books, blogs and columns and broadcasts TV, radio and web series about love, lifestyle and pop culture. This year the love and lifestyle expert has been an MTV Teen Dating Empowerment Coach on the docu-reality series "Made," reported on celebrity news and relationships as a BBC Radio Entertainment Correspondent, been a featured columnist on love and sex for Yahoo Shine and celebs for Yahoo OMG!, talked about and written about love for Essence, blogged on her lifestyle site "Abiola's Passionista Playbook," and hosts/produces her own award-winning web TV series and advice vlogs.

Abiola's upcoming book, The Official Bombshell Handbook, is part humorous memoir, part fun handbook, about living with passion. Dare (Simon & Schuster), a hip hop love story, Abiola's popular debut novel was taught at Amherst College and her provocative writing has been published in anthologies such as Behind the Bedroom Door, Dirty Words: A Literary Encyclopedia of Sex, Say Word: Voices from Hip Hop Theater and Eve Ensler's A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer. 

She posted a blog on Yahoo Voices today and I have been lucky enough to get her permission to re-run it on my blog. 

 

New Boyfriend Meeting the Family? Holiday Dos and Don'ts

The holidays are upon us. This time of year can be stressful for many of us. If you're in a new relationship you may feel simultaneously excited and terrified. It can be an anxiety-inducing situation to be around your family by themselves. This year, however, you are bringing home a new beau. You love him and and you hope that your family does too. 

So, what can go wrong when introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to your family? Everything! 

The Dos and Don'ts Of Bringing Home A New Love: 

DO prepare everyone in advance. 

A surprise is great under the tree but when introducing a new partner to your possibly temperamental family you want to be as prepared as possible. If you know that Great Uncle Arthur is smelly or that your guy has a thing for getting into political fights, warn all parties ahead of time. Wouldn't you want to know before meeting your man's family that his dad may touch your hair and ask you whether it's real? 

DO ease into the situation. 

Your new squeeze may wish to jump in and immediately be a part of the fam but that's just not realistic. There are things about a family dynamic that an outsider, beloved or not, needs to ease their way into. If your brother teases your dude it's okay for him to tease back but he should not under any circumstance jump into the midst of or attempt to mediate a family squabble. 

DON'T stage anything. 

Don't put on airs or tell anyone what to say. Everyone and everything should be authentic. If you live in a gritty cabin in Kentucky don't splurge for a posh hotel spot solely for the purpose of impressing the new boo. If someone loves you they will love all of you, including where you come from. If they can't hack your family digs then they aren't for you. Better you find out sooner than later. 

DON'T be a nervous wreck. 

The holidays are meant to be fun, above all. The reason you are introducing these two parties to each other is that they are both important to you. Release the need for everything to be perfect. It won't be. 

Someone will say something they shouldn't. Someone else will pass gas at an inappropriate time. Whatever. It happens. This is not easy -- I'm talking to me as much as I'm talking to you. Things will go wrong but while you're up in your childhood bedroom crying about it you may be missing some of the best future memories of your life. 


Life is meant to be lived. Get your hands dirty and get in your game. Besides, after your sweetie meets the bunch of nuts you're related to you'll be meeting his family madness as well. This, is the game of life. 

Happy holidays! 

In Defense of Nerds--Not Just for Making Fun of Anymore

If you are a follower of my blog (thank you!) then you are aware that I'm married to a certified nerd, and I mean that in a loving way. 

But what makes him a nerd? This is what comes to my mind although the list is not inclusive

• He was in mostly AP classes in high school
• He went to a super nerdy college, Harvey Mudd (if you have ever seen the movie "Real Genius" it was kinda like that...If you haven't seen the movie, shame on you..it rocks!)....this clip is from the movie & totally sums up campus life on Mudd 
• He has his PhD in Electrical Engineering
• He loves video games
• If need be, he can make his own tools that are functional
• Whenever he comes across a flaw in something electrical we own he almost always says "bad design"
• It can take him months researching a product online before he makes a purchase...this can range from a wrist watch to a car
• He is someone who many people tend to defer, acknowledge, or concede is the smartest in the room

So why in the hell is he married to me?

Yeah, over the past 20 years I have asked myself that exact question. A lot.

Seriously, if I had known how smart he is, I would have most likely passed on pursuing him in college. In case you didn't catch that, I pursued him! I just thought he was a reasonably smart (because of going to Harvey Mudd) and absolutely good looking. I'm someone who has always had good self esteem and am pretty dang confident. Even so, once I knew (and heard!) how smart he was, I spent a fair bit of time wondering if I could keep his interest beyond having sex. 

What I have come to understand is that he is one of the happiest married people I know, and believe me when I say that it is not all due to me being a sex educator. In fact, we are a extremely confusing couple to many, but that is a whole other blog post. There is something about attending Harvey Mudd College that makes people particularly good at marriage.

Don't believe me? Here is a excerpt from a fairly recent US News and World Report on "The 10 Best Colleges to Find a Husband". Harvey Mudd came in at number 6, which is funny because it is the exact same number I came in as the Top 100 sex bloggers!

Here is what the report had to say about Harvery Mudd

#6 Harvey Mudd (Claremont, California)

Harvey Mudd is another top liberal arts school located in sunny California. In addition to the outdoor lifestyle and SoCal climate, Harvey Mudd made the college hubby cheat sheet thanks to its successful grads earning an average of $121,000 mid-career (most find success in the fields of science, engineering or math). Many exams are of the take-home variety and are overseen by an honor code—so maybe HM breeds more honest, reliable guys? Now there’s a theory worth analyzing.

Oh yeah, about that honor code thing--my husband was the student chair when we began dating. 

I recently had lunch with a friend who I met while I was dating my husband in college. She and her boyfriend were also "Mudders" who began dating around the same time me and my hubby did. In addition to that, both of our now husbands have the same first name and actually lived together as suite mates. She is now living in the same area as me and still happily married. I love being able to hang out with her because I feel like less of a freak for having settled down at such an early age. I'm also happy to hear that at least 2 other "Mudder" couples from our time got and remain married.  

I personally feel that nerds are happiest when they are partnered. There isn't a lot of game playing going on, posturing, and/or they never seem like they are on the lookout for something or someone better. Yes, this is a total generalization, but it is also my experience. Simply put, nerds take delight in knowing they won't have to be out in the dating field again. 

Back when I first started this blog, I did an article about why nerds make good life partners. You can check it out here (it has a lot of the same content found here).

I wholeheartedly believe that nerds (and specifically those who attended Harvery Mudd College) are particularly well suited for marriage, and here are a few reasons:

• Nerds & Geeks are usually loyal and aren't afraid of monogamy! People who are often referred to as nerds and geeks are overwhelmingly introverted and you will not often catch them hanging out at nightclubs and bars. They might be a little socially awkward, but that just means that you will be the center of their attention when out and about. As an added bonus, geeks and nerds are also known to be both sensitive and sincere individuals. 
• Nerds & Geeks appreciate you! This may not always translate into super romantic behavior, but you feel how grateful they are to be happily paired up. 
• Nerds & Geeks often have had fewer sex partners which means they are less likely to have picked up a STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) by engaging in casual sex. Sexuality can be a difficult topic of discussion for nerds & geeks. They might feel insecure that they will not be able to sexually satisfy you, that their body doesn't look how they would like it to look, etc., but here is the secret.....most nerds & geeks are very willing to experiment sexually when they are in a loving and trusting relationship. 
• Nerds & Geeks are often hugely smart and intelligent! You know how they say "beauty fades, but stupid is forever?" Well, this is something you never have to worry about when your partner is super smart. On a side note, nerds & geeks are also known for being passionate about something. And as we know, passion = sexy!
• Nerds & Geeks are handy and fix things around the house. Enough said.

 So what are you waiting for? Have you loved a nerd today? 

Why Jennifer Love Hewitt & John Mayer Need a Dating Intervention

Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) and John Mayer (JM) are two freaking hot messes that are in desperate need a dating intervention. These two knuckleheads are famous (some might argue more than they should be) for their constant inclusion in celebrity gossip. And since I am guilty of loving my gossip mags, I feel compelled to throw my two cents in over what assumptions I have made from the media. Sounds super scientific, right?

These two unlucky in love losers briefly dated in 2002. Rumor has it that JLH sent some fancy bouquet of balloons and candy to one of JM's recording sessions. Apparently it worked. Personally, it kinda sounds to me like a gesture that is better suited for a 6 year old birthday party and not someone you want to bang. 

JM had recently ended a very brief affair with songstress Vanessa Carlton. It isn't surprising that JM and Vanessa did not last. After all, this was a time when each of them just launched their first major label cds. Rumor had it that their relationship was doomed in part due to a little game of "who is doing better in the charts" rivalry. 

In 2002, pictures began circulating around the gossip circuit with JLH and JM together. This lead a ton of people to incorrectly claim or hint that the song "Your Body is a Wonderland" was about JLH. Just so we are clear, he wrote that song years before he even met JLH as it was included in his first non-major label release in 1999. At the very most, he was wanking it to her image from tv shows or the movies. 

Ok, so I have an enormous amount of JM information! I admit it! I used to be a huge fan of his back around 2001, used to send him porn while he was touring (the ingrate never thanked me, but I did become known as 'porn chick'), and met him a few times. Even back before he hit it big, he had a reputation of sleeping with his fans. 

Since the time JLH and JM dated, she has been engaged at least twice (if not more, I lost count), and he has remained the bad boy bachelor. Part of the reason I have such a strong dislike of JLH is that she appears to be a love addict. Everything I have heard or seen written about her makes her out to seem completely desperate, insecure, and clingy. At least it seems that way to me.

I also really don't like that she is one of the main reasons the word "vajazzle" exists. As a sex educator, I know that vaginas are an internal structure only. Maybe I could go at her with a hot glue gun, a speculum, and some swarvoski crystals for her to get that what she is talking about is mons jazzling. 

JHL needs a dating intervention at best or some serious therapy around being a love addict at worst. The fact that she is 32 and has had a few broken engagements isn't really that big of a deal. The reasons behind her broken engagements, however, is a red flag. 

On one hand she is probably smart to have never gotten married because it is highly likely she would be divorced by now. She is probably glad to have dodged the epic Kim Kardashian marriage fail bullet. But it does make me, as a dating coach, wonder why she chooses men who she is clearly incompatible with.

I think her bottom line is that she is in love with love, and moves full steam ahead when she finds someone new to date. The problem with this game plan is that people are usually on their best behavior during the courtship period and aren't always being completely sincere and authentic. For example, someone you are newly dating is most likely gaga over you, wants to spend a lot of time together, and is probably pretty generous with compliments. What was once "Wow, I love the way you treat and take care of me" can quickly become "Why don't you compliment me anymore, why are you so busy, and who else are you hanging out with". I'm not saying that her clingyness and insecurities are the reason for her failed engagements. Ok, well maybe I am. The bottom line is that JLH needs to be be secure, confident, and really like herself before anyone else can truly love her. 

My dating coach suggestion is that she spend a lot more time on herself and a little less time chasing love. 

Now JM is a whole other ball game. He is a narcissist with boat loads of money, an allegedly big dick, and has the ability to literally charm the pants off of you. He is also someone who brags about his conquests in excruciating detail, making many of his past lovers cringe. Incidentally, he was rumored to be gay or enjoy a little man on man action years ago, but I think that rumor has mostly gone away.

Let's face it, JM is a douche bag. Even HE admits that he sounds like a monster douche after reading things about him. I hear he has a google alert for his name, too. The google alert doesn't appear to be working as he is still mostly thought of as a cad.

My dating coach prognosis for him is not great. There is little you can do for someone who is narcissistic. However, I do know that he needs to stop dating other celebrities! Vanessa Carlton, JLH, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, and Jennifer Aniston have all been romantically tied to him. What he really needs is a good kick in the ass. He needs to stop seeing the women he dates as trophies and inanimate objects and nut up. He is a 34 year old man who still acts like he is 14. Maybe he suffers from arrested development because he began non stop touring when he was young and it consequently made it difficult to form real relationships.   

It's funny and pretty rare that I can become so annoyed by others that they prompt me to write a freaking long blog post. Maybe it's me who really needs an intervention?