Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Is That a STI in Your Eye? (Viral Edition)

I know that STI's aren't something that makes most people pop out of bed and think to themselves "Hey, I wonder what kind of new info I can find today on STIs", but, then again, they aren't me. 

Last summer I wrote this companion piece to this post about bacterial infections. STI's aren't pretty, and they certainly make a lot of people super uncomfortable talking about them, but this is stuff you need to know if you are sexually active. Viral STIs are different from bacterial STIs because there is no cure. They can be managed, and managed well. The kicker is.....you have to know you have it. 

I'm someone who thinks that STIs would be less prolific if people were exposed to photos of STI symptoms with some frequency. I'm not kidding. Google a STI and then go to the pictures tab. Like I said, it ain't pretty. There are some pictures where it takes you a minute to figure out just what you are looking at. 

Ok, on to viral STIs (I'm leaving out HIV because that is really a whole other blog post)

HSV 2 (Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2):

HSV 2 is the more common form of genital herpes (remember HSV 1 can also cause genital herpes), HSV 2 can also present on the mouth although it is rare. HSV 2 can also affect the eyes. 

HSV 2 is a STI which means it is transmitted through sexual activity. Penetration need not take place for transmission to occur. HSV 2 is passed through skin on skin transmission while engaging in sexual activities like kissing, oral sex, vaginal penetration, anal penetration, and naked skin on skin rubbing. 

Symptoms vary from person to person so there really is no "typical" type of symptom pattern. However, many who have genital HSV 2 report the following: blisters, sores, skin cracks and fissures, itchy and irritated areas, pain during urination (blisters can form inside the urethra--ouch!). Non-genital symptoms are: headache, swollen lymph nodes, low grade fever, and sensitivity to light. 

There are lots of studies out there, but most report that 1 in 5 people in the United States who are over the age of 14 has HSV 2. But, and are you ready for this, 90% of people who have HSV 2 do NOT know they are positive. 

HPV (Human Papilloma Virus):

HPV is the most frequently acquired viral STI in the United States and there are over 40 types that specifically affect the genitals. Studies show that 50% to 80% of sexually active people will acquire HPV at some point in their life. HPV is transmitted through skin to skin contact and can appear on the penis, vulva, anus, rectum, and cervix. 

HPV has 2 basic risk categories: low risk and high risk. 

Low risk HPV are warts that appear mostly externally. 

High risk HPV can cause cancer. 

Also, HPV that causes external warts are not the same that cause cancer. 

HPV is interesting in that 90 % of infections clear on their own within 2 years. 

Genital warts present as small clusters that look a lot like cauliflower in the genital region. Warts can appear on the vulva, in or around the vagina or anus, on the cervix, penis, scrotum, groin, and thigh. You can have them removed by having a doctor freeze, cut, or laser them off. You can also use a topical cream that is prescribed by your doctor. 

Whether you treat them or not, these warts will never turn into high risk HPV or cancer.

Cervical cancer is a STI that is caused by HPV. Most people don't exhibit symptoms until it has already advanced. Getting regular Pap smears is a persons best bet for catching cervical cancer because it looks for abnormal cell structure or cell changes. There is a secondary test that can identify if the HPV is low risk or high risk in women. 

HPV also causes something called OPC or Orapharygeal Cancer. Many researchers are calling OPC the "new" STI. HPV causes about 40% of OPC. Many believe it is on the rise because many people don't consider oral sex to be sex, and therefore they don't think about using a barrier. Even though women are affected, researchers are seeing a trend that young white men are of greatest risk for OPC. 

HPV is also responsible for a growing number of Anal cancer patients. Because a lot of warts tend to appear inside the anal cavity, it is more difficult to diagnose. Anyone who engages in unprotected anal activity (including rimming) should request a yearly anal Pap smear. Yes, there really is such a thing. Yes, I have been a "guest" at many a anal Pap smear. 

General cancer treatments like radiation, surgery, and chemotherapy are used for Cervical cancer, OPC, and Anal cancers. 

There is a vaccine called Gardasil that helps protect uninfected people from 4 of the most common HPV types. There is also a new vaccine called Cervarix that is now available.  

One of the most important facts to remember is that all sexual activity carries some personal risk. Condoms can help decrease transmission, but they don't cover or protect the entire genital area. Condoms cover the head of the penis and not all of the penis shaft. Female condoms are popular because they cover a larger surface area of the vulva. 

I believe that it is up to each and every person to help safe guard their sexual health. You can begin by requesting from your doctor a complete HIV/STI panel. Most tests only look for a few STIs. In order for you to be fully aware of your health status you need to specifically request a full panel and then ask what it tests for. Bottom line is the more compete the testing, the better. It's also something I get done ever year during my annual Pap smear.

Teens, Sex, and Communication

As a sexuality educator, I know too well that abstinence only sex education doesn't work. Study after study prove it. More recently, it has been shown that youth who take a "virginity pledge" are merely substituting other high risk sexual activities in lieu of vaginal penetration. 

Let me be clear that I believe abstinence has a place in sex education--when it is part of a comprehensive sex education program. Being part of a larger conversation about sex and sexuality makes a lot of sense to me. It is the abstinence "only" part that drives me a little nutso.

I'm not a professional wordsmith, but I have enough knowledge to know that the word "withholding" is synonymous with "abstinence", which makes almost no sense to me. Seriously, think about it for a minute.

Communication is truly one of the most important tools anyone uses in their life. However, most people are never taught how to effectively communicate with...really..anyone. Peers, bosses, kids, family, and the list goes on and on. 

Using an abstinence only model (with virginity pledges) is really only getting youth to agree to something they don't consent to (as well as depriving youth from learning how to communicate around the topics of sex and sexuality.) Consent is difficult to reach if you are purposely leaving important information out. Maybe I'm a bit dense, but what is the harm with giving youth accurate information about sex education?

Learning to make good decisions is part of getting older, isn't it? Giving youth comprehensive information on sex education allows them to know what the risks are for pregnancy or HIV/STI transmission and how they can prevent it. I, for one, would be incredibly happy to never hear about a new season of "16 and pregnant" or "Teen Moms".  

I've worked with a lot of youth in my undergraduate (interning at a juvenile prison & interning with a juvenile probation office) and professional life. My post college work with youth has been as a case manager at a half-way house (in other words, youth who were released directly from prison), as a probation office (and an active participant in a "teen court" program), and working with both HIV positive and HIV negative youth in the San Francisco Bay Area.

In short, I have had a lot of experience with youth--everyone from LGBTQIQ youth who are marginally housed and homeless to students who attend some of the finest (ie expensive & progressive) private college preparatory schools. When it comes to college age youth, I've provided sex education to people attending community colleges as well as premiere universities like Stanford. 

Even though I am a non-breeder, I truly love being around teens and young adults. I hear so many parents complain about how they can't relate to their children and that they have no idea what they might or might not be doing sexually. The thing is, with me, I have the exact opposite effect with youth. Basically they tell me in intimate details who, where, and when they have hooked up with sexually. Some have even drawn me flow-charts...I'm not even kidding about this.

Maybe it's because I don't have my own kids that I am able to relate so well (and in such a meaningful way) to youth. Maybe it's because I am super awesome sex educator, or maybe it's because I am perpetually curious and am genuinely interested in speaking with them. Also, I may look younger than I am, but many of the high school youth I had daily contact with were young enough to be my children. So why is it that, in general, youth are so open to talking about sex and sexuality with me?

Here are a few of my thoughts on why youth are so willing to talk openly about sex with me. 

I relate to them on their level. Ok, so maybe this makes me a bit un-sophisticated and immature, but I can talk to most youth about almost anything. It usually starts out with me asking something like:

    "Whats going on at school?"

    "Are you interested in anyone in particular?"

    "What's the newest update with you, give me the 411",

    "Hey, are you thinking about college yet?",

    "What do you do for fun?"

    or even

    "So, have you been getting any penetration lately?"

Being that I am a super curious person, all I have to do is open the door with a few open-ended questions and the proverbial flood gates open up. I also come from a place that I recognize youth are sexual beings, which is something really difficult for a parent to conceive of.

I've figured out that there is an art to asking the correct questions. For example, If they say they have, indeed, had penetration, I will ask what kind, did they enjoy it, how do they feel about it now, is it with someone serious, do they need condoms and lube, etc. 

It's been my experience that youth are way smarter and intuitive than they are given credit for. The youth I have known are really open to confiding intimate details about their life because they see me as a trusted adult and/or ally. 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm advocating parents to go out and become their children's best friend. I mean, look at how well that has turned out for Lindsay Lohan and her mom. There needs to be some sort of rules or parameters, and those should be set by the parent.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't want people to think youth gravitate towards me because they see me as their pal and, therefore, a push over because 1) If you know anything about me and my past work experience (see above), you know I am anything but a push over, and 2) I have never had a problem calling a youth out on their shit. My process looks something like this--we have a private conversation, we discuss whatever the issue is and I then communicate what type of behavior is expected from them moving forward, and then I drop it and move on. I've lost count the number of times youth were obviously squeamish to be around me after our little private conversation. They are usually blown away that I am still around for them after they have messed up. I think it is these type of instances where I have left the biggest mark on emerging youth. There have been many times when I (along with other youth service providers) have been the first healthy relationship a youth has had with an adult, and it is something I take very seriously. Being an active person in a teens life can have dramatic results, even if that time is limited to only a few months. 

I know that this might seem like a radical way of interacting with youth. Open and honest communication...how novel!  

I get that not everyone is going to have the capacity to do this. In that case, the best I can hope for is that those youth have some adult in their life who they feel comfortable discussing this stuff with.

Or, you can always send them my way. 

**Scarleteen, Sexetc.org, & Go Ask Alice are all wonderful sexuality resources!

How Ditching Pads and Tampons Can Save The World (Guest Blogger)

Believe it or not, tampons have been in the news a lot lately. 

In the past few months, I've seen headlines about tampons being recalled due to bacterial contamination, high schoolers soaking tampons in vodka to get drunk, and using tampons as flaming weapons. Seriously, I can not even make this shit up!

While I am not a fan of tampons, many vagina owners use them on a monthly basis. My personal reasons for not using them is twofold; they cause me to have wicked cramps and I know someone who almost DIED because of Toxic Shock Syndrome. I am much more partial to using Diva Cups and the Instead Soft Cup. 

Tampons, it seems, are a hot topic. 

FYI, I get the whole soaking tampons in alcohol thing. It is no different from when people take a nostril inhaler, dump out the contents, put in alcohol, and then squirt it into their rectum. Mucous membranes are an efficient way of getting substances into the blood stream. However, it generally is not something that is recommended. Vaginal and rectal tissue is really, really sensitive and introducing alcohol into either of them is dangerous. 

Becca Brewer, who I've written about before (remember she is the fabulous creator of the FREE download of the WWWcharts), posted a blog article about how a vagina owner (and fans of) can save the world by ditching pads and tampons. She has graciously allowed me to re-run her blog post that was originally posted on April 26, 2010. 

Connect with Becca via her website, on facebook (don't forget to "like" her), and on twitter.

~~

How Ditching Pads and Tampons Can Save The World

Those of you who are close to me know how much I love Menstrual Cups. When I began to hash this post out, I was simply going to rave about how amazing menstrual cups are.

And believe me, they are. They last for up to 10 years, can be worn for up to 12 hours, are hypoallergenic, have no TSS risks, don’t suck away the body’s natural fluids, are easy to carry, easy to transport, and are really cheap. Plus it’s my personal opinion that because they require manual removal by putting your fingers in your vag that they eventually make you less grossed out about periods, and help you to become more connected to what’s going on with your body.

But this post is not about all that stuff. This post is specifically going to speak to helping you all think more critically about how pads and tampons affect the environment.

DUDES. FELLAS. GUYS. PEOPLE WHO DON’T MENSTRUATE. This post is for you too. Even though I know that you don’t surf the crimson wave, I’m assuming that you may know one person who does. Maybe you have a wife or a girlfriend. Maybe you have a sister or a mom or an aunt or a daughter. Maybe you have a female friend. Maybe you know someone with a uterus. Even though you can’t use a menstrual cup, you can forward this post along or have a conversation with your uterus bearing acquaintance.

So let’s get on with it!

Pads and Tampons made by mainstream companies (Tampax, Kotex, OB, Playtex, Always, etc), are made in such a way that they do not biodegrade. This means that when you use these products, they will sit in a landfill far after you’ve stopped menstruating and even long after you’re no longer on this earth (either because of interplanetary travel or, you know, death).

And I’m not just talking the actual pads/tampons themselves. There are also the plastic tampon applicators, the plastic packaging that the pads/tampons come in, and any plastic packaging used to sell the products in multiples (assuming it’s a non-recyclable plastic).

All of it becomes waste that just sits in a landfill forever. 

How much waste? Let’s do some math!

• Tampons are about 5 cubic inches in size.
• Since I’m supposed to change my tampon every 4-6 hours, I’ll probably use about 6 per day.
• If my cycle is 5 days, that’s 30 tampons.
• Every cycle, I will create about 150 in3 (or .01 ft3) of waste that will sit in a landfill forever.
• If I menstruate from the age of 11 to the age of 51 every 28 days; that means that I will have 521 cycles over the course of my menstruating life.
• Over the course of my lifetime, I will leave behind 78,150 in3 (45 ft3) of non-biodegradable waste.
• To reiterate that, I will leave behind a box that measures 3’ x 3’ x 5’ of used tampons (plus all of the plastic waste that came with my tampons) as a gift the next generation has to deal with. (And that box will be larger if I use pads.)

Now a 3’ x 3’ x 5’ box doesn’t seem like all that much space. Except, I hate to break this to you all, I am not the only menstruating woman in the world.

There are about 3 billion women in the world, actually. At some point in their lives, if not currently, most of these women will experience menstruation. Which means that even though I only fill a small box personally, if even a quarter of the women in the world use mainstream tampons … we’re working together to create some serious long-lasting waste.

To counterpoint this with Menstrual Cups; here’s some more math:
• Menstrual Cups are about 1.6 in3 (.0009 ft3) in size.
• Over the course of my lifetime, I might go through 5 menstrual cups.
• Which means, if the cup doesn’t biodegrade (some do), I will leave 8 in3 (.005 ft3) of waste behind.
• To reiterate, that is a box that is 2” x 2” x 2” of waste over the course of a lifetime. (Note that this is a tiny 2 inch cube, and the last example was a box measured in feet).
• The cardboard box (if it came in one) and the paper instructions, along with the fabric bags I carried my cup in were all recycled or will biodegrade. 

In addition to landfill space, there’s also the manufacturing process to think about. Now, I’m not a tampon manufacturer and I surely don’t know the process involved, however I’m assuming that to manufacture tampons, one needs electricity, raw materials, chemicals, and water.

Which are things you also need in manufacturing menstrual cups.

But, because I’m all about math right now, let’s look at this in numbers again.

• If we go back to the 30 tampons per cycle and 521 cycles in a lifetime model, over the course of my lifetime, I will need 15,360 tampons.
• Let’s say I buy my tampons in 20 packs. This means I’ll need 782 packs of tampons over the course of my lifetime.

In thinking about my tampon use, I need to think about more than just the waste that results when I discard my tampons. I also need to think about all the resources required to make them AND the resources required to make the packaging my tampons come in. (Not to mention the shipping process that gets them into stores).

I need to think about this with menstrual cups too, but over the course of my lifetime, I may only need 5.

15,360 is way more than 5. 782 is way more than 5.

So even if it takes more resources to make 1 menstrual cup than it does to make 1 tampon, I’m using so many less menstrual cups that in the battle of both product and packaging manufacture, using tampons results in a much greater environmental strain.

Not to mention that tampons and pads are manufactured with chemicals (bleaching agents, adhesives, etc) that (while being bad for your body) also leach into the soil after you’ve thrown them away.

Now in terms of why they’re manufactured this way, I have no answers for you. But I can tell you that you’re not powerless in all this.

So what can you do?

Depends on your commitment. I’ll break it down for you:

Starting Small:
• Switch to tampons that don’t use applicators or that use cardboard applicators instead of plastic applicators, thereby getting rid of applicator waste.
• Use the smallest pads/tampons possible for your flow to cut down on the number of pads/tampons you’re using per cycle. (Don’t, however, leave them in/on longer as that could result in TSS or infection.)
• Switch from pads to tampons. 
• Forward this post to other people you think should know about this.

Getting Serious
• Switch to 100% cotton pads/tampons (Natracare, 7th Generation, etc) because they will biodegrade AND because their packaging is often paper-based and recyclable.
• Write to the mainstream pad and tampon companies asking why they’re not making environmentally conscious products.
• Ask your local drug stores, health food stores, and other retailers to have products like 100% cotton pads and tampons, cups, and reusable pads in stock.

Go Big or Go Home
• Switch to a menstrual cup (Moon Cup, Diva Cup, The Keeper, Miacup, Lunette).
• Switch to a washable, reusable pad (Glad Rags, Lunapads, etc.)
• Start a petition to major corporations demanding they change the way their products are made.
• Start a petition asking major tampon/pad companies to start manufacturing a line of ‘Green’ products.
• Petition large retailers (like Target, Walgreens, Rite-Aid, etc) to carry products like cups, reusable pads and 100% cotton products for purchase.

In Conclusion

Go Green! And although I didn’t mention this specifically, this is one of those instances that by going green, you’re also going to save some green. Do I hear more math? Hell yeah!

• So, we’ve already discovered that I’m going to use 15,360 tampons over the course of my life. 
• I randomly looked up tampons on Amazon and the cheapest deal I could find was $.15 per tampon.
• Which brings my lifetime grand total to: $2304 (pre tax and shipping).

• I’ve estimated 5 menstrual cups over a lifetime, but I’m going to up it to 10 for this example (people lose things, burn things, etc).
• On Amazon (although I’ve found them cheaper elsewhere) the cheapest cup price is $22.
• Which brings my lifetime grand total to: $220 (pre tax and shipping).

A total savings of: $2084

By switching to a cup, you’ll be saving your bank account AND the world. 

Keep Thinking

-Becca

Arrrghhh Writer's Block!

I admit that it tickles me that my last post on Sex Nerd Sandra was so well received....but, unfortunately, I've got a touch of writer's block.

I think it has to do with my newest project, CatherinesSexGlossary. Somehow I've managed to post **210 definitions in only a few weeks. Crazy stuff, right? If you check it out my new blog and like it, please do me a solid and 'Digg' it (if you happen to have an account).

I'll be back in a few days. 

If there is a particular topic you would like to see me tackle here, feel free to leave me a blog comment or shoot me an email (catherine@catherinecoaches.com).

Smooches

 

**If you see something inaccurate or a term that could be worded better, please let me know.**

Everyone's a Sexpert

At least it seems that way. Lately it appears that anyone who is comfortable talking about the topics of sex and sexuality deem themselves sex experts or "sexperts", and it's high time I call bullshit. 

This blog post will probably upset many people. I imagine people thinking to themselves "who the hell are you to tell me I'm not qualified!" or "you're only bringing this up to make yourself look better." 

My answer to you is "hear me out." 

Here's the deal: When it comes to sex and sexuality, there is no governing organization. Affiliations with SSSS (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality) and AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) are the closest thing we sexuality folk have in terms of legitimizing what we do. My full disclosure is that I am professionally affiliated with AASECT, but not licensed. Yes, it would be lovely to have that certification in my back pocket, but I have found that it has never been an issue when it comes to my work. 

In the United States, there are only a small handful of universities that offer advanced degrees in Human Sexuality. Several of the people I know have both a Masters and a PhD in Human Sexuality.   

As someone who gets tons of inquiries on how to become a sex educator, I am noticing a bit of a trend. The majority of the letters I receive start something like this "I'm someone for whom talking about sex has always come naturally and I think I would be really good at what you do." I think it's great that some people seem to be born with an ability to talk openly about sex! But, it does seem a little like it minimizes just how difficult in can be to break into the field. It's almost a little like saying "Hey, I have always been great at arguing, so I think I'd make a great lawyer." Talking about sex, much like being able to argue a point, is probably the most tangible aspect for people to grab onto, but it is only a fraction of what makes someone a sex educator or a lawyer. 

I think there might be a bit of a disconnect in what it means to have a career in sexuality. For many people, it is a long process, and initially, there is very little money. You have to "pay your dues" which can takes years and years. Because the pay is low, many folks in the community are unable to have it be their only or even primary job. There are very few people who are well connected, good at business, and lucky enough to break into the field in an expedited way. I find that many people do this work because it is their passion and not because it makes them well known or rich. Those who are credible tend to be extremely hard on themselves, and always feel like they could or should be doing more.

As you probably know, my husband has his PhD in electrical engineering. In his particular line of work you almost never hear of people declaring themselves to be an engineer unless, in fact, they are. Somehow, when it comes to the field of sex and sexuality, having lots of it or being able to talk about it makes someone an expert. 

Becoming an expert in any field takes time. It's not something that magically happens overnight or after taking one or two workshops. I totally admit that I often feel like I still have LOTS to learn even though I've been in the field going on 10 years. 

Even though it doesn't seem like it, the world of HIV/AIDS research moves at an alarmingly fast pace. Newer and faster ways of testing, HIV treatment protocols, and research studies are just a few instances in how the field has changed since 2008. I would not feel completely comfortable re-entering the field as an educator unless I did some serious learning. 

I've said it so many times, but being able to talk about sex and sexuality is not the same thing as being sex positive. And just because you talk about sex, it doesn't mean you have your facts straight. There is a lot of misinformation out there, and some can be traced back to these so-called "sexperts". FYI, most of the sex educators I know are not huge fans of the title "sexpert", and very few would describe themselves as such. 

Where it gets tricky is that it isn't always easy to suss out the real experts from the fake experts. Any kind of credible-sounding advice from someone willing to talk about sex and sexuality is usually all that is needed to deem them an expert. 

Here are a few ways to figure out if someone is truly a sex expert:

• Look at their experience. Sometimes it can be difficult to find exactly what makes them an expert. Look for real life work experience in sex education, volunteer experience, professional certifications (like AASECT), and/or education. There is also a great community of people who are either doing or have done sex work. The knowledge they bring to the rest of the community is hugely important. 

 

• Is this person known in the community? If you call yourself a sexpert, yet no one has heard of you, that is a problem. References from other people in the field are one way of figuring out if the person is credible. References for your prior career aren't always going to be relevant or even appropriate for a career in sexuality.

 

• If this person is a presenter, where have they presented and on what topics. I've seen people charge hundreds of dollars for workshops on the same topics I cover but with no professional experience. Sometimes people will have wildly different backgrounds (corporate finance or corporate management, for instance) yet still fancy themselves a sexpert. Simply put, sexuality speakers speak about sex. A lot. 

 

• Is this person able to address YOUR community and needs? My body image workshops are going to look slightly different when I am presenting to a group of people who are currently on HIV medications. Why? because HIV meds can have some pretty startling side effects in terms of your body (like having fat magically migrate to other areas of your body).  

 

• What do you find when you google them?  

 

The topics of sex and sexuality are considered so taboo that people are literally yearning for accurate information! People sometimes stumble upon a fake expert who sounds legitimate, but they give advice that is not so great. 

Let's face it, talking and writing about sex can be wildly fun, exhilarating and meaningful. Calling yourself a sexpert is cute and catchy. Seriously, I get it. 

Almost anyone can call themselves a sexpert if they give advice like "show enthusiasm" or "be more open to explore with your partner". Unfortunately, it doesn't always make it so. 

Funniest TV Sex Scene In a Long Time!

I have fallen in love with the new comedy "New Girl". Yes, Zooey Deschanel is perfect as Jess. Jess is a Los Angeles area school teacher whose longtime boyfriend cheated on her which forced her to find new living arrangements. Jess carries a 'feeling stick' (as well as a back up feeling stick) around with her, likes to sing instead of talking, and is hopelessly sexually awkward. Case in point, she can only say the word penis if she is singing it. 

Because her boyfriend of 6 years cheated on her, she has had a difficult time moving forward with new sexual relationships. Justin Long was perfectly cast as her equally awkward new boyfriend. Jess's deal is that because she was cheated on, she is scared that the sex she had with her old boyfriend is not good enough or sexy enough to keep her new man interested. In fact, she gives herself a little pep talk (complete with high 5) in front of the bathroom mirror before she thinks she is about to have sex with her new boyfriend. 

 

As a sex educator, I can look at this clip with great amusement. It is hilarious to me for so many reasons. Over the years, I've had  a lot of people seek out my advice when it comes to the type of sex they are having, or wish to have. Common sexual anxieties I've seen are people feeling sexually awkward, having a lack of sexual experience or expertise, not knowing if they are attractive enough, and genital shame. No doubt about it, sex can be awkward. However, even in my wildest imagination, there is no way I could have come up with this sexual scenario. One part of me wants to jump in and say, "omg this would never happen", but anything is possible.

The combination of the ill-advised lingerie (that she wears over her underwear), the desperation to try new things (a little light choking and spanking are not a bad thing, but combining them together without prior conversation about it isn't the best game plan), and the use of some of the most non sexy fantasy voices resulted in a trifecta of awesomeness that made me pee a little because I was laughing so hard. 

 

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this particular episode is titled "Bad in Bed".

Another Big Bucket of Awesome!

I wanted to write this particular blog post to express my sincere and heartfelt appreciation to everyone who enjoys my blog. 

Like I've mentioned before, I really had to be talked into blogging. There were and still are so many great bloggers out there that I didn't think I had anything that is super important, new, or different to add. It definitely took a while for me to find my blogging voice, which happens to be very similar to the way I talk with other people. Many of my friends say they enjoy my blog because they can hear me saying the words as if we are in a conversation. That alone is pretty amazing. 

The fact that my little blog has gotten a lot of positive attention deeply humbles me.

I'm someone who doesn't have an advanced degree in sexuality, and I think I worried if I would be accepted due to my obvious non-research like writing style.

I'm also someone who doesn't write in fascinating and juicy details about my sexual exploits, so, of course, I worried if I would ever find an audience. Making the decision to not put pornography or other x rated pictures or visuals on my blog was probably not the brightest idea for a sex blogger, but it felt and still feels like the right decision for me. 

One of the over-riding themes of my life is dealing with the reality that I am not always accepted. The funny thing is that I absolutely believe I have the right to be anyplace I wish to be. However, it has been my experience that having the belief I belong anywhere and reality do not always match up. I have the amazing ability to ruminate on why someone would suggest, imply, or flat out tell me that I don't belong somewhere. It ain't pretty, but it is how I often feel. 

In all honesty, having people write about my blog in glowing terms feels like the sex gods are giving me a high five. 

I was thrilled to be named the #6 top sex blogger by Rori and her amazing blog, Between My Sheets.

I was equally thrilled to trace back a spike in my blog viewship to Persephone Magazine. 

Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: My Five Favorite Sexy Blogs

Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

http://blog.catherinecoaches.com/

Catherine has the best sex toy recommendations I’ve seen on the web and offers some very practical tools such as her Ginormous Sex Term Glossary. I am a huge fan of her most recent post, “How the Hell Do You Travel with Sex Toys? (Holiday Edition).” She’s an expert in this since she’s always having to lug around a ton of toys for work, so take note before you pack!

Seriously?!

That is, in fact, a big ol bucket of awesome. As someone who is super quirky about sex toys, I completely appreciate the comment about having the best sex toy recommendations! And it is super-duper awesome that my Ginormous Sex Term Glossary was highlighted. 

My whole philosophy is to spread the word far and wide that sex and sexuality are nothing to be ashamed of and the specific goals for my blog are to educate, entertain, and inform. It is times like these that make me feel like I've nailed all 3! 

With much love and gratitude, 

Catherine

How the Hell Do You Travel with Sex Toys? (Holiday Edition)

With the holiday season upon us, I thought I would re-run this particular blog post. Unfortunately, I'm also dealing with a little writer's block. Being able to re-run my most popular blog posts is pretty freaking handy!

In any event, I wish you and your sex toys safe travels!

I have to admit that I never really gave this matter much thought in the past. That was, however, before I began travelling to other cities for my various sexuality workshops. 

As a sexuality speaker, it is wonderful to be able to present at retail stores like Good Vibrations, Camouflage, or Early to Bed because they have an entire store filled with some of my most favorite sex toys. That means that I can leave the majority of my sex toy demo collection at home and not have to bother with TSA or airport security. 

One of my most popular and requested topics is my "Art of Oral Sex" workshop which is also known as "Fellatio, Fellatio, Fellatio!" I have invested close to $1k in demo toys that include a variety of silicone dildos from Tantus, Inc and a medical "male genital model". I also bring a variety of flavored condoms that participants can use if they aren't 100% confident their toy has been sterilized to their satisfaction. As someone who has some definite OCD tendencies, I totally get this. 

What usually ends up happening is my suitcase ends up being 1/2 full with sex toys since I bring about 25 demo dildos for my fellatio workshops. 

(yep, kinda looks like a dildo forrest, eh?)

So how do I handle travelling with so many sex toys?

For me, I have found that I can more easily relax if I bring my sex toys inside my carry on baggage. Plus, I also know that I've made a huge personal investment in my work supplies and am not confident that the TSA handlers will not take, molest, or otherwise handle my sex toys if it is checked. For me, the peace of mind of knowing I'm in possession of my work supplies is well worth having to go through the TSA screening. 

So what's my secret?

As my bag is being put on the xray machine, I will usually openly declare that I am a sex educator and am travelling with multiple sex toys. No, I don't just blurt it out Tourettes- style either. I will tell the bag screen-er what my luggage contains after I've been waved through and am waiting for my bag to come out on the conveyor belt. There probably isn't a need for me to be so open with the TSA agents, but I find that it makes the whole process run more smoothly. 

There have also been times when the screen-er re-screens my bag multiple times because some of my sex toys are differently shaped. Once I figure out what they are doing, I will often say "yeah, it sure is a funny looking sex toy, right?" I will then offer to open my bag so they can inspect it further, but I have never had anyone take me up on my offer. 

(funny looking yet totally functional sex toy)

I've also found that it is much easier for me to take out individual sex toys if they happen to be something that could remotely be seen as any type of weapon. I will pack my bag so they are really easy to access (and I place them separately in those quart size Ziploc bags...see, I told you I have OCD tendencies), and I use this policy when I am carrying metal dildos from njoy or other large glass dildos. In all honesty, I can see how someone could see these as potential weapons and I like to put things out in the open so I don't have to be personally frisked or questioned about my travels. Further, some of my sex toys are really fricken expensive as they are either custom to me or "one of a kind". One of a kind sex toys? Yep! This is almost always true for my glass dildos. 

(my gorgeous diletto from Steele Malone)

Sometimes the TSA people tell me that there was no need for me to take out my toys to be screened, but I have absolutely no shame about doing it, and sometimes feel like I've made their day a little more fun after I've left the screening area.

I guess I've learned that I am one of those people who tends to be pretty transparent. It works for me in much of my life but can also be hugely problematic for me in other areas (but that is a whole other blog post).

If you are someone who blushes or becomes flustered easily when it comes to sex toys then checking your bag is probably the best way for you to go. However, if you are travelling with sex toys for any type of work related function, then you might want to think about carrying them on. If someone has booked and paid for me to be a presenter, then there is no way I am letting my luggage out of my sight. 

So there you have it friends. I've found that this particular game plan works well for me. I've also asked multiple TSA agents if there is a special "code word" for sex toys that I can use, but have been told by the agents that no such word exists. I have also been assured that the TSA agents are well trained in the nuances of screening sex toys. Now, I'm not totally sure that this is the case, but I absolutely believe they think it is the truth so who am I to argue with them, right?

 

New Boyfriend Meeting the Family? Holiday Dos and Don'ts (Guest Blogger)

Hello my lovelies!

Thanks to the fabulousness that is twitter, I have become friends with a totally fierce woman.

Abiola Abrams (@abiolatv) is a force to be reckoned with! Since I would never be able to do her mini biography justice, so here is how she describes herself

Celebrity Love & Lifestyle Journalist

Author, Personality, Love &  Lifestyle Expert  

Abiola Abrams, your favorite bad girl + good woman, writes books, blogs and columns and broadcasts TV, radio and web series about love, lifestyle and pop culture. This year the love and lifestyle expert has been an MTV Teen Dating Empowerment Coach on the docu-reality series "Made," reported on celebrity news and relationships as a BBC Radio Entertainment Correspondent, been a featured columnist on love and sex for Yahoo Shine and celebs for Yahoo OMG!, talked about and written about love for Essence, blogged on her lifestyle site "Abiola's Passionista Playbook," and hosts/produces her own award-winning web TV series and advice vlogs.

Abiola's upcoming book, The Official Bombshell Handbook, is part humorous memoir, part fun handbook, about living with passion. Dare (Simon & Schuster), a hip hop love story, Abiola's popular debut novel was taught at Amherst College and her provocative writing has been published in anthologies such as Behind the Bedroom Door, Dirty Words: A Literary Encyclopedia of Sex, Say Word: Voices from Hip Hop Theater and Eve Ensler's A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant and A Prayer. 

She posted a blog on Yahoo Voices today and I have been lucky enough to get her permission to re-run it on my blog. 

 

New Boyfriend Meeting the Family? Holiday Dos and Don'ts

The holidays are upon us. This time of year can be stressful for many of us. If you're in a new relationship you may feel simultaneously excited and terrified. It can be an anxiety-inducing situation to be around your family by themselves. This year, however, you are bringing home a new beau. You love him and and you hope that your family does too. 

So, what can go wrong when introducing your boyfriend or girlfriend to your family? Everything! 

The Dos and Don'ts Of Bringing Home A New Love: 

DO prepare everyone in advance. 

A surprise is great under the tree but when introducing a new partner to your possibly temperamental family you want to be as prepared as possible. If you know that Great Uncle Arthur is smelly or that your guy has a thing for getting into political fights, warn all parties ahead of time. Wouldn't you want to know before meeting your man's family that his dad may touch your hair and ask you whether it's real? 

DO ease into the situation. 

Your new squeeze may wish to jump in and immediately be a part of the fam but that's just not realistic. There are things about a family dynamic that an outsider, beloved or not, needs to ease their way into. If your brother teases your dude it's okay for him to tease back but he should not under any circumstance jump into the midst of or attempt to mediate a family squabble. 

DON'T stage anything. 

Don't put on airs or tell anyone what to say. Everyone and everything should be authentic. If you live in a gritty cabin in Kentucky don't splurge for a posh hotel spot solely for the purpose of impressing the new boo. If someone loves you they will love all of you, including where you come from. If they can't hack your family digs then they aren't for you. Better you find out sooner than later. 

DON'T be a nervous wreck. 

The holidays are meant to be fun, above all. The reason you are introducing these two parties to each other is that they are both important to you. Release the need for everything to be perfect. It won't be. 

Someone will say something they shouldn't. Someone else will pass gas at an inappropriate time. Whatever. It happens. This is not easy -- I'm talking to me as much as I'm talking to you. Things will go wrong but while you're up in your childhood bedroom crying about it you may be missing some of the best future memories of your life. 


Life is meant to be lived. Get your hands dirty and get in your game. Besides, after your sweetie meets the bunch of nuts you're related to you'll be meeting his family madness as well. This, is the game of life. 

Happy holidays! 

Why Jennifer Love Hewitt & John Mayer Need a Dating Intervention

Jennifer Love Hewitt (JLH) and John Mayer (JM) are two freaking hot messes that are in desperate need a dating intervention. These two knuckleheads are famous (some might argue more than they should be) for their constant inclusion in celebrity gossip. And since I am guilty of loving my gossip mags, I feel compelled to throw my two cents in over what assumptions I have made from the media. Sounds super scientific, right?

These two unlucky in love losers briefly dated in 2002. Rumor has it that JLH sent some fancy bouquet of balloons and candy to one of JM's recording sessions. Apparently it worked. Personally, it kinda sounds to me like a gesture that is better suited for a 6 year old birthday party and not someone you want to bang. 

JM had recently ended a very brief affair with songstress Vanessa Carlton. It isn't surprising that JM and Vanessa did not last. After all, this was a time when each of them just launched their first major label cds. Rumor had it that their relationship was doomed in part due to a little game of "who is doing better in the charts" rivalry. 

In 2002, pictures began circulating around the gossip circuit with JLH and JM together. This lead a ton of people to incorrectly claim or hint that the song "Your Body is a Wonderland" was about JLH. Just so we are clear, he wrote that song years before he even met JLH as it was included in his first non-major label release in 1999. At the very most, he was wanking it to her image from tv shows or the movies. 

Ok, so I have an enormous amount of JM information! I admit it! I used to be a huge fan of his back around 2001, used to send him porn while he was touring (the ingrate never thanked me, but I did become known as 'porn chick'), and met him a few times. Even back before he hit it big, he had a reputation of sleeping with his fans. 

Since the time JLH and JM dated, she has been engaged at least twice (if not more, I lost count), and he has remained the bad boy bachelor. Part of the reason I have such a strong dislike of JLH is that she appears to be a love addict. Everything I have heard or seen written about her makes her out to seem completely desperate, insecure, and clingy. At least it seems that way to me.

I also really don't like that she is one of the main reasons the word "vajazzle" exists. As a sex educator, I know that vaginas are an internal structure only. Maybe I could go at her with a hot glue gun, a speculum, and some swarvoski crystals for her to get that what she is talking about is mons jazzling. 

JHL needs a dating intervention at best or some serious therapy around being a love addict at worst. The fact that she is 32 and has had a few broken engagements isn't really that big of a deal. The reasons behind her broken engagements, however, is a red flag. 

On one hand she is probably smart to have never gotten married because it is highly likely she would be divorced by now. She is probably glad to have dodged the epic Kim Kardashian marriage fail bullet. But it does make me, as a dating coach, wonder why she chooses men who she is clearly incompatible with.

I think her bottom line is that she is in love with love, and moves full steam ahead when she finds someone new to date. The problem with this game plan is that people are usually on their best behavior during the courtship period and aren't always being completely sincere and authentic. For example, someone you are newly dating is most likely gaga over you, wants to spend a lot of time together, and is probably pretty generous with compliments. What was once "Wow, I love the way you treat and take care of me" can quickly become "Why don't you compliment me anymore, why are you so busy, and who else are you hanging out with". I'm not saying that her clingyness and insecurities are the reason for her failed engagements. Ok, well maybe I am. The bottom line is that JLH needs to be be secure, confident, and really like herself before anyone else can truly love her. 

My dating coach suggestion is that she spend a lot more time on herself and a little less time chasing love. 

Now JM is a whole other ball game. He is a narcissist with boat loads of money, an allegedly big dick, and has the ability to literally charm the pants off of you. He is also someone who brags about his conquests in excruciating detail, making many of his past lovers cringe. Incidentally, he was rumored to be gay or enjoy a little man on man action years ago, but I think that rumor has mostly gone away.

Let's face it, JM is a douche bag. Even HE admits that he sounds like a monster douche after reading things about him. I hear he has a google alert for his name, too. The google alert doesn't appear to be working as he is still mostly thought of as a cad.

My dating coach prognosis for him is not great. There is little you can do for someone who is narcissistic. However, I do know that he needs to stop dating other celebrities! Vanessa Carlton, JLH, Jessica Simpson, Heidi Klum, and Jennifer Aniston have all been romantically tied to him. What he really needs is a good kick in the ass. He needs to stop seeing the women he dates as trophies and inanimate objects and nut up. He is a 34 year old man who still acts like he is 14. Maybe he suffers from arrested development because he began non stop touring when he was young and it consequently made it difficult to form real relationships.   

It's funny and pretty rare that I can become so annoyed by others that they prompt me to write a freaking long blog post. Maybe it's me who really needs an intervention?