So, what in the hell is one supposed to write after stumbling through the most difficult year of my life. Looking back, some parts of it seemed to be quite cruel in that it dragged on and on. While at the same time, some parts of it seemed to have just flown by. All I know is that for much of the year, I was white knuckling it.
Today is the one year anniversary of my dads passing. Holy shit, this is going to be one fucked up day. I had no idea that processing his death was put on "emotional hold" as my husband was diagnosed with an unexpected, and seemingly statistically impossible major medical illness the month before. My husband was diagnosed on October 30 and my dad passed away on November 27. They say that hardship and difficulty can help build ones character. I, for one, think I have enough fucking "character". Any of my friends will vouch for that.
This post isn't meant to be a total bummer, so let me get to some good news. After over an 8 month absence, my husband has returned to work. We have been exceptionally fortunate in that he has never been unemployed. The bubble may have burst, but he has always managed to stay very well employed. There are times when I swear others are judging me for continuing to make fabulous purchases. By the way, I adore those upscale flash sales websites, so I pretty much refuse to buy anything for retail price.
I'm embarassed to say that all the weight I had lost in the past years came right on back when my world flipped upside down. It feels like a huge failure on my part. I keep thinking to myself that I can be so damn determined when it comes to almost anything I put my mind to. I really tried to take up drinking this year, but, honestly, that is never going to be a regular thing for me. So here I am left with an amazing, yet seriously underutilized old timey bar cart. And since clothes are less important to me these days, I've spent the better part of the year accumulating shoes, handbags, furniture, and jewelry--lots of jewelry. You know I have an issue when I have no less than 3 fine jewelry designers phone numbers in my contact list. What can I say? I'm a sucker for beautiful, sparkly things!
I couldn't have gotten through this year without the help of several friends. I don't want to give their full names, but I feel that they absolutely need to be recognized. I'm probably leaving out some people, and I will add them to the list as I remember. It really is in no particular order.
So, what's next for me?
I'm taking a super duper deluxe vacation to a private island off the Florida Keys. Florida has always been a huge part of my life as my family used to own a home on Sanibel Island. After that property was sold, my parents took me to the Keys for spring break instead. I have such amazingly vivid memories of being there with them. Like the time the airline lost my luggage and my dad knocked on my door and asked if I "...needed to go buy some brassieres", my mom nudging an unsuspecting me into my first sex toy store in Key West and smiling at me with her poop eating grin, buying my then boyfriend gifts, and listening to "Don't Be Cruel" by Bobby Brown while driving. I think that, somehow, being in Florida will make me feel closer to my parents.
My return to working full time will continue to take some time. I might get around to blogging when motivated. I know I need to come up with a long term game plan as far as what I really want when it comes to work. I'm not sure what that looks like, and its a bit of a head fuck. Seriously, all I've wanted to do for the past 11 years is work in the field of human sexuality. The ridiculous kicker is that I have felt almost zero sexual desire this past year. I can actually count the number of orgasms I've had this past year, and, no, I'm not going to tell you what number that is.
Many things have changed for me in the past year. I have no other way to explain it except that I feel broken. I'm not certain if this humpty dumpty can be put back together again.
I do know that, when I begin to feel a bit more like myself, there is plenty of work to be done. There are porns to watch, sex toys to try, erotica to read, blog posts to write, and my comprehensive sex lexicon to finish.
My sincerest gratitude to the people who have kept me relatively sane this past year. Your friendship and support mean so much more to me than I can possibly articulate.