For those of you who keep up with my blog, the fact that I have pretty much been absent for months is nothing new. Hell, my last update was completely un-sexy and it was almost 2 months ago!
As a seasoned sexuality educator I am totally aware that not engaging in sexual activity for an extended period of time is not uncommon. Moreover, being a sex educator does not make me immune to long periods where I am simply not feeling sexual. I get the feeling that many people imagine us sex educators as people who engage in hot and heavy,
"swing-from-the-chandelier sex" as much as possible. While this very much may be true for some, it is decidedly not true for me.
I've been trying to put a time frame on the last time I had sex and the best I can come up with is that is was sometime in early September, 2012.
Well maybe not so much when you consider my ridiculous life since then. I won't bore you all with the details, so I will just give a short re-cap:
- 9/2012 My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer
- 10/2012 My husband was diagnosed with a serious illness that will take the better part of a year to treat
- 11/2012 My dad very unexpectedly passed away
- 12/2012 I had emergency eye surgery for a hole in my retina
- 12/2012 My husband was taken by ambulance to the ER/hospital where he stayed for 2 nights
- 1/2013 My husband begins his grueling treatments
- 1/2013 We put down our loving 19 year old cat
One of the biggest reasons I have had zero desire for sexual activity is due to the fact that I am currently on 3 different anxiety medications. Yep, 3 of em. They reek havoc on my libido, yet allow me to continue to get up and dust myself off in the face of all this shit.
I should probably make it clear that my lack of desire has nothing to do with my attraction to my husband. I mean, you've seen pictures of him haven't you? He is ridiculously handsome! I've always known this (and it's the reason I approached him in the first place), but I have come to learn that he is quite the topic of conversation amongst my girlfriends...and when I say girlfriends, I mean gay friends.
It is a pretty dark time in the Toyooka household when I can see my Hitachi Magic Wand on the floor next to my bed and not get the slightest of tingles. In short, I kinda feel like my nether regions are dead. The bottom line is that I can not will myself to feel something that, in my current state, appears to have no feelings, quivering, or stirrings.
It's also been near impossible for me to do any type of meaningful work. My heart, head, and soul are not in a good place right now. For me to talk about pleasure at this particular moment in time is beyond my ability.
On the bright side, I am confident that my sexual desire will come back to me once my life is a little less chaotic. So while it may seem shocking and maybe even a little embarrassing to admit that I haven't engaged in any type of fornication in months, I feel that admitting it will help normalize the experience that I am sure many of you have felt.
Because I'm still the same Catherine deep down, I have found some video clips that I immediately thought about as I was formulating this blog post.
For the first clip from Roseanne, you should skip ahead to minute 16--the part I'm referring to resides in 16.00 - 16.50. It's hilarious and how I feel.
For the second clip from SNL, skip ahead to minute 3.14