Life has recently thrown me a curve ball and this one is a freaking bitch.
Very simply, I am not doing well. At all.
Those close to me are aware of what it going on. As weird as it sounds, I am not ready or able to put down into words the specifics. I think most of this has to do with the fact that it isn't necessarily my place to disclose this person's illness--all those years of working with HIV positive youth make me unusually sensitive when it comes to other people's medical conditions. I'm also hesitant to talk about it because he is a spectacularly private person. Actually, everyone in my family cherishes their privacy. This is just one of the ways in which I'm the odd one out in my family.
Even though I've been on medications for depression for a dozen years, I like to think of myself as a pretty happy and confident person. I'm usually relatively fun to be around, and I'm great for some shits and giggles.
To be quite honest, I am not myself right now.
But why am I bringing this up?
Mainly it's because I have a great blog following--yes, I am talking to YOU. My blogging tends to be regular...I've seemed to have gotten the hang of it after blogging for 3 years. I wanted to let you know that my blogging is going to be pretty inconsistent for the next several weeks. It's not that I don't have things to say. It's more about me not being able to concentrate for very long. I find myself lying or sitting down and just looking at nothing in particular...for a long time. It's like I'm not focused on anything, but just there. It's not a normal behavior for me.
Here's a quick tidbit: last night I ALMOST inserted an entire dosage of retinoid cream into my vagina INSTEAD of the one for yeast. It was locked and loaded, and it occurred to me that something wasn't right. Holy shit balls, that could have been pretty disastrous for my vagina.
As you can see, my mind and my emotions are all over the place. I'm barely able to keep my shit together, and admitting I'm not doing ok is not something that I am used to.
I've been doing a lot of self care and making sure I am seeing all the appropriate people to help me deal with this situation.
I just turned 41 and it has been incredibly difficult for me to feel celebratory. My husband and BFF have been truly amazing, and I feel incredibly fortunate to have them in my life. Most people have no idea that anything is going on with me. I can't keep anything from these two fuckers. They know me too well.
Here are a few photos that were taken right around my birthday. You would never really know from the photos that I'm freaking the shit out. I'm not much of a drinker, but alcohol did help me loosen up enough to enjoy dinner. And yes, that is cotton candy in the picture. They gave it as a parting gift to their patrons.