Ok, so I recently stumbled upon a blog post that is making me shake my head. I should probably point out that this blog is really about professional development only with a "saucy"/"risque" post thrown into the mix a few times a month. I am choosing not to mention the exact blog or who wrote it because the overall "tone" is very common amongst people who do not have comprehensive training/knowledge in sexuality. I feel like this blogger had good intentions, but the words I continually come back to are "sex shaming" and "sex negative". On a personal note, I was an incredibly proud spouse when my husband read the post and turned to me and say "...Ok, now that is the exact type of person you don't want giving sex tips and sounds a little like a shaming cycle."
Why does this particular blog post annoy me?
First off, the female blogger never even mentions sex or uses the word sex--it is only hinted at. I have a huge issue with people talking about sex if they are so patently uncomfortable saying or writing the word. Listen, I think it's great when people want to bring the topic of sex and sexuality into the forefront, but you need to be able to talk about it. I mean, seriously. The type of tips the blogger offered up left me with the impression that they have no idea they are providing such sex negative "advice".
Yes, people are smart enough to get what you mean when you use a phrase like "getting down to business" in lieu of sex, sexual activity, intercourse, penetration, etc. My thinking is that, by choosing not to use the word "sex", you are actually continuing to foster the belief that sex is taboo, not something you talk about (although you assume everyone does it), and it's something to be talked around and not about. There is another word for it, and it's called being sex negative.
Besides not using the word sex in the blog post, the blogger went on to give some tips on how to handle "romance" when living in close proximity to others (think about when you have housemates, still have children who live at home, or are on vacation). In a nutshell, the majority of the suggested tips are extremely sex negative to me because they all boil down to how one can engage in sexual activity without getting caught. The mis-guided tips suggest how you can engage in sexual activity in a way that is "proper" or "acceptable" so that you don't disturb others.
I'm just going to throw this out there, but I would think that a huge portion of sexually active people pretty much subscribe to the un-written rule that sex is a private activity between you and your partner(s). However, as a sex educator, I believe the last thing people need is more advice on how to keep sex hidden. This perpetuates the common belief that sex is something that needs to be concealed because it is wrong and shameful. It also suggests that people either should or would feel shame if others heard them engaging in sexual activity.
I want to make it clear that my issue with this blog post is not because I am pissed that someone else is getting in on my action. It couldn't be further from the truth--I wished that more people would talk openly about healthy sexuality. However, I do think it is a slippery slope when those lacking knowledge dole out "romance" advice because they think it will make their blog more appealing. Bad advice is bad advice.
And lastly, if you do decide to write a blog post about having noiseless sex, why on earth would you not mention the creative use of mouth gags?