I'm lucky to know, at least tangentially, a number of amazing people in the field of human sexuality. From time to time, I will be posting guest blog pieces so you can find out more about the wide wide world of sexuality. I strongly encourage you to find out more about the contributors by visiting their websites and blogs. I met Tinamarie through the wonders of facebook.
Tinamarie is a top-rated writer of sex, love and relationships. From celebrity relationships, sacred and eco-sexuality, erotica and feminism, to dating and mating advice for couples who want to deepen intimacy, Tinamarie covers what today's Modern Lovers want to know about. You can send her emails, good vibes and inquiries about relationship book reviews to firstname.lastname@example.org.
**Since I wasn't sure about photo permission rights, I have included alternate photos**
“Women over forty have a very clear picture of who they ARE, but a distorted idea of what they actually LOOK like.” – Jillian Todd, photographer
One of the best-kept secrets of women’s lives is that as they age sex gets better. Breasts may sag, tummies may flab, and butts may drag, but none of that really matters in soft candlelight and a warm bed. There are other reasons why women become more willing and relaxed. With childbirth complete, a woman can finally focus on making love free of the nagging worries of unwanted pregnancy. That release of anxiety often gives way to a great acceptance and exploration of sensual fantasies.
Jillian Todd is one those women photographers in the business of celebrating and acknowledging the place where women over 40 find themselves: sexually vibrant and ‘fighting’ the clock in our youth-obsessed culture. I suspect that the popularity of couture and boudoir photography for women reflects the burgeoning rejection of our culture’s narrow vision of beauty. We’ve emerged victoriously on the other side of the body wars, and want to document that transition, for ourselves, our daughters, even our unborn grandchildren. Because like it or not, women somehow are more scarred by the portrayals and betrayals in the media.
“Many women come to see me when they’re in the middle of a transition: entering or exiting a marriage, after having children, after a weight loss journey, a milestone birthday,” Jillian says. “The biggest gift I can give is to facilitate a change in her view of herself. Women over forty who come to my studio have a very clear picture of who they ARE, but a distorted idea of what they actually LOOK like.”
That statement struck a cord with me, because many women harbor the most unfavorable version of themselves when they are younger. We become accustomed to comparing ourselves to falsified images of glamour, and find ourselves lacking until we learned to forget the lies about our imperfections. What’s worse is that sense of inadequacy has been transmitted to girls as young as preschool age.
Our scars are mostly internal, but today’s youth will have to deal with mutilated labia, leaking implants and obnoxious medical bills. How can we get the message across that life, love and sensuality ripen like a fine wine, become sweeter and something to savor, when they feel invisible compared to current beauty proportions?
Since when did five year olds need to worry about a bit of baby fat? Eight year olds need botox? Eleven year olds need designer vaginas? Recent headlines alerted me to all three of these upsetting developments.
At best, I worry that the current generation will emerge from the body wars far more troubled than my generation. Our scars are mostly internal, but today’s youth will have to deal with mutilated labia, leaking implants and obnoxious medical bills. How can we get the message across that life, love and sensuality ripen like a fine wine, become sweeter and something to savor, when they feel invisible compared to current beauty proportions?
“Changing society’s perception of women in general will only come when we see *ourselves* differently, and we expect and demand different treatment. When we respond–with our buying power–to ads, TV shows and movies, we are telling Madison Avenue what we want to see,” Jillian says.
“How many guys go to a Sci-fi movie and believe they can fly? We have to wake up from the group hallucination that what we see in media is real.”- Jillian Todd, Photographer
That’s been suggested many times. Respond with our purchasing power, and the magazines will follow. I agree with her on paper and yet a few things are out of place. Our purchasing power feels a bit lackluster these days. Economically, our communities are fried but the ads haven’t changed. Primarily younger audiences buy magazines that tend to target the ones more vulnerable to fashion’s critical lens. Never mind the less savory truth that campaigns aimed at showing us broader visions of beauty – I’m thinking Real Beauty or Shape of a Mother.com – garner less attention than anything the media conglomerates concoct.
Keeping women afraid and insecure is big business, and we’ve still searching for the magic brush that paints a more holistic rendering of female beauty. Will turning away from those false standards “effectively starve the studios and ad agencies?”
“An interesting development, to me, is the fact we are seeing more stars releasing un-retouched photos of themselves. When more stars follow suit, when more advertisers (like Dove) use ‘real’ women in their ads, and when more girls and women see what has been changed by the “magic” of makeup, lighting and Photoshop, we can see advertising as no more than special effects.”
Along those lines, I think that an interesting development is the work of visionaries like Jillian. “How many guys go to a Sci-fi movie and believe they can fly? We have to wake up from the group hallucination that what we see in media is real,” she says, and I couldn’t agree more.
Grown-ups sang of love, live and heartbreak, children and teens sang on the Mickey Mouse Club.
Keeping it real – that’s what this is about. We’ve altered our perceptions of reality and have started believing the make-believe. How silly of us, no? No wonder Hollywood starlets get younger and younger, and when youth isn’t good enough, they do what Heidi Montag did – undergo 10 cosmetic surgeries in one day. Media stunts like this abound, and not just on television.
Consider the music industry: once upon a time, not so very long ago, say in the 1970′s when the feminist movement was growling fiercely, our favorite musicians were talented and mostly mature. Grown-ups sang of love, live and heartbreak, children and teens sang on the Mickey Mouse Club. There’s always been teenage heartthrobs, but did they account for practically all of what’s was being recorded? Am I the only one freaked out by the age ceiling on reality talent shows?
Grandma Moses didn’t start painting until she was in her 70s. In today’s market, could someone as prolific and famous as her find a willing audience or the necessary publicity?
How many visionaries find their stride in their youth? Most of the time, it takes decades of accumulated fits and starts to realize our full potential, and the older brain is far better equipped to handle the highs and lows of stardom or success. The older female brain is tuned it to what turns her on too, another reason why sex gets better, if we want to bring this back to the origin of this essay.
The reality is this: life is lovely and rich and full of promise at all ages. The numbers on the scale and your ID do not define who you are or your worth. You are dynamic and amazing at any age. When it comes to sexuality, pleasure finds the most fertile ground in your gray matter, not a perfect pair of breasts, fat-less hips or a waxed pubis. It really does get better as we age, but until recently older women tended not to boast to the next generation about their well-satiated libido or comfort within their skin.
Most of the time, they’ve been too gracious to flaunt anything but lingerie, with the exception of posing for artists like Jillian, but does that serve us best? Like the divas in these photographs, ordinary women ages 45 – 58, there’s no reason to settle for obscurity or invisibility. It’s time to roar, my cougar friends! Life is good for us, and we must let our cubs know that they too can be fearless, naked or not, at 40 and beyond.
You tell me: what are your thoughts and fears about aging, love and sexuality? What can an ordinary person do to set an example of sumptuous living in our media-frenzied world?