Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator

Are There Commandments For A First Date?

If you know me, then you are already aware that I am somewhat of an unruly person.  Just like that awesome perfume commercial used to say, I go my own way! 

 
Even so, there have to be some basic ground rules when it comes to dating.  Full disclosure here, I have never read "The Rules Book", and this post is not about things you absolutely MUST do if you want to deem yourself dateable. 

All that being said, here are some general guidelines when it comes to having a memorable, kick-ass first date.

 

1. Practice active listening.  Yep, I've talked about this LOTS before, and it is a great way to get to know someone.  Listen to what they say and also the way in which it is being said.
2. A first date is not the time or place to try out a new haircut, or dare I say "bumpit".  You want to look attractive and like yourself, but don't want to look like you've spent all day getting your hair "did".  Figure out what is your best physical feature, and then focus on that.
3. Don't bring up the following topics on your first date: exes, politics, religion, debt, and addiction(s).
4. Piggy-backing on the last point, you should never have more then 2 alcoholic beverages when on a first date.  If you happen to be a sober addict, you don't have to explain why you are only drinking water.  If you happen to be a light drinker, then stick to only one alcoholic beverage.  Remember that no one likes a messy drunk for a first date!
5. If you are the person who asked for the date, then expect to foot the bill.  If the other person insists on paying, then all the better!  However, if you are woman who asked a guy out on a first date, don't come crying to me about how he expected YOU to pay.  Thems the way the cookie crumbles, darling.
6. Don't get carried away with the old "love at first site" trapping.  Seriously, I don't know anyone under 60 years old who claims this urban myth to be fact.  There can be lust at first site, but love at first site, I don't think so. 
7. Don't worry if the first date isn't overly romantic.  Romantic first dates are something that occurs in Hollywood movies, reality television, and fiction.  Since it's just the first date, focus on having a good time and living in the moment. 
8. Keep an eye out for potential deal-breakers.  Being rude to waitstaff, constantly checking their phone for texts and calls, and general douche-bag behavior is never appropriate for a first date. 
9. If you like the person, tell them!  If the person you are on a date with is mirroring how you are sitting, giving you good eye contact with lots of encouraging smiles, then chances are good that they like you too!  Go out on a limb and tell them you are having a good time and diggin them.
10. Be conscience of your own body language.  If you like them then make sure your body language matches your emotions.  We all know people who confuse the hell out of us because they send mixed signals.  For the love of god, don't be that person! 

So there you have it my lovelies.  Commandments?  Not so much.  General "good practice" guidelines, yes please!

~~

As the founder of Catherine Coaches,I am a blogger (d'uh!), sexuality speaker, educator, a dating coach, a sex coach, and a Sex & Relationship contributerfor the examiner.com. 

Catherine is also the organizer of a monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex, Oh My!", and we are scheduled to meet next on 5/19/10. 

Please contact her to arrange your FREE 20 minute phone consultation.

 

My New Website Has Launched!!

I could NOT be more excited to announce the re-launch of my beautiful, lush, sexy, spankin-new website!

I love it and would like to give my profound, and most sincere thanks to the wonderful people at Color Story Studio in Mountain View, CA. 

Here is a preview...enjoy!

 

~~

As the founder of Catherine Coaches, I am a blogger (d'uh!), sexuality speaker, educator, a dating coach, a sex coach, and a Sex & Relationship contributer for the examiner.com. 

Catherine is also the organizer of a monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex, Oh My!", and we are scheduled to meet next on 5/19/10. 

Please contact her to arrange your FREE 20 minute phone consultation.

Flirting Workshops in Mountain View?

I recently met with a fabulous writer who creates the content for the website I Love Mountain View. 

I would like to thank them for 1) giving me permission to re-post the following post and for 2) the lovely article :)

Please to enjoy!

I recently heard about some “Flirting Workshops” happening in Mountain View and I thought I should investigate. Well, it’s true. We have someone offering all kinds of useful advice to those who may need to brush up on their flirting technique.

Catherine Toyooka, founder of Catherine Coaches, offers a monthly flirting class in Mountain View. I met with Catherine for some pearl milk tea on Villa Street and she told me all about her business. First thing that really surprised me is that 75% of her flirting clients are men. Business is good in this “engineering demographic” as she explained it to me. Some of the people that come to see her need help dating, others might be newly divorced and out-of-practice, or they may simply want advice from a flirting professional. Catherine told me that by improving your flirting skills, you are improving your chances of a better life, since flirting actually involves many different aspects of your environment. I think that’s probably true. It would certainly help someone get out of a speeding ticket or get a free drink. Catherine assured me that someone’s entire life improves when they learn to flirt because they gain self confidence. It’s obvious that by having higher self-esteem someone would feel better about themselves, whether they are going to a job interview or just to the post office. Catherine is very easy to talk to and puts someone at ease immediately.

We talked about how body language can be used to make a stronger connection to someone. And wardrobe! I asked her what she does if she notices that someone’s clothing should be improved. She said that she simply tells them. If they come to her for advice, she’ll be as honest and direct as possible. They can’t wear the same clothes that they wore in their college-days and expect to find someone to date. And she also helps them notice their positive attributes as well. Some people have no idea what a charming voice they have or the fact that they have a fabulous smile. Once she points out everything that they have going for them, they feel like they know what they can focus on.

She can be reached via her Meetup group, “Flirting, Dating and Sex Oh My!” or her website, Catherine Coaches.com. I first discovered her on Facebook. Her business is listed as “Catherine Coaches” on Facebook and she posts interesting articles and links. In addition to the flirting workshops, she offers other classes that readers might be interested in, such as “Sexuality Workshops.” You can look at her website for more details and she is available for private parties, one-on-one consultations and special events.  Just another reason to love Mountain View—we’re a very flirtatious group.

Bad Vibrations: How Some Sex Toys Are Hazardous To Your Health

Hi, my name is Catherine and I am a lover of sex toys.  How's that for an opening line?  Why are sex toys so wondrous?  For starters they can enhance solo or partnered lovemaking, and they can also help people become more orgasmic. 

Hopefully, this article will allow individuals to become comfortable bringing up the topic of sex toys, marital aids, adult toys, or whatever name you wish to call them.  Why do we need to talk about sex toys?  One reason is that not all sex toys are "good" sex toys, and an informed and educated shopper makes for a very happy owner!

The first thing one should know when talking about sex toys is that, in the United States, there is no organization, or "big-brother" regulating the safety and manufacturing of said toys.  Kind of like how there is zero regulation for supplements and vitamins.  This is super important to know because it means that manufacturers can design, manufacture, and sell sex toys using whatever medium or material they want.  This is particularly scary because some toys are made out of toxic and cancer-causing materials.  Yes friends, you read that correct.  Some manufacturers use materials that you wouldn't even give to your dog as a toy.   

The vast majority of cheaper sex toys are made of materials called phthalates, Jelly Latex or PVC.  How do you know the sex toy you are interested falls into this category?  It is simple, just smell it.  If your sex toy has a noticeable plastic scent or smells anything like your shower curtain liner then chances are that is made from a material that is known to be toxic.  Think about it this way: Do you really want your nether regions smelling like the bathroom isle of Bed, Bath, and Beyond? 

Why does it matter that a sex toy is made out of known cancer-causing material?  It matters because one is often using the toys in an aggressive manner which makes the material heat up.  When materials like PVC heat up, they leak out toxic material that can become absorbed into your body fat where they just hang out.  Build up of these toxins can lead to *minor* medical issues like kidney and liver cancer as well as damage to your reproductive organs.  *Note the sarcasm in my tone.

In fact, sex toys that feel the most like the real thing are made out of a material called "cyber skin".  You would recognize it because if the product is packaged, it would have a cut out and a "feel here" sticker or arrow.  Manufacturers and people love cyber skin because it feels so realistic and it is cheap to produce.  However, it is also a material that is impossible to sanitize because it is porous, which basically means that fluids can both seep out and become sucked into the toy.  Not very sexy!  Cyber skin toys have a very short "shelf life" for an owner because they so easily become slimy, gummy feeling, or what sex educators call "funky".  They are also harder to store since it is recommended that you dust your toy with corn starch after you have thoroughly cleaned and dried your toxic friend.   

So what kind of sex toy should you buy?  Look for toys made of medical grade silicone, glass (pyrex), or stainless steel.  These sex toys rock because they are non-porous, easy to clean and sanitize, and they last a long time.

There are precious few places in Silicon Valley where one can purchase a good quality sex toy.  Hot Stuff and Pleasures from the Heart are two south bay retailers.  However, your best bet is to drive up to San Francisco and check out the fabulous selection at Good Vibrations. 

Happy shopping!

~~

Catherine Toyooka is the founder of Catherine Coaches and is a blogger, sexuality speaker, educator, and a dating & sex coach helping busy professionals living in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, and beyond. She is also the organizer of a monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!".

Please contact her to arrange your free 20 minute phone consultation.

What Does It Mean To Be A Brand Ambassador for Good Vibrations?

 
When I tell people that I'm a Brand Ambassador for Good Vibrations, people don't always know what to say.  Most people get the concept that I am a product toy tester, but it goes beyond just toys.  As a Brand Ambassador, I receive all sorts of goodies that can include sex toys, dvd porn, adult novelty games, erotica, and lubricants.  Free goodies for me, and all I have to do is test them out provide my honest feedback on my experience! 

If you are still confused, here is a wonderful press release I found about the program that launched about a year ago.

SAN FRANCISCO — Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com), the legendary San Francisco-based company that takes pride in providing accurate information on sexuality and toys for grown-ups, is proud to announce its new Brand Ambassador Program, a viral marketing campaign designed to drive awareness of Good Vibrations’ website, products, experts and services through word of mouth and testimonials.

To connect with customers and strengthen brand loyalty through meaningful, one-on-one interactions, Good Vibrations is inviting people from all over the country to apply to become official Brand Ambassadors. The company will ultimately select 100 men and women by September 2009. Once identified, the Good Vibrations Brand Ambassadors will receive one product per month to use, then communicate within their social circles the benefits of the product.

Brand Ambassadors must be immersed in social networking in order to be accepted into the program. Through Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blogs, websites, emails and general word of mouth, the Brand Ambassadors will share their experiences with the newest products from Good Vibrations.

“The new Brand Ambassador Program is the perfect complement to our recently launched affiliate program,” said Dr. Carol Queen Ph.D., Good Vibrations’ staff sexologist and company spokesperson. “We started the conversation over 30 years ago about sex, sexuality and sex toys when we launched the company. Now we hope to get the conversation going across the country about the best products available today.”

To learn more about the Good Vibrations’ Brand Ambassador Program, visit www.goodvibes.com.

 

Here are links to my reviews of the Fun Factory G Twist and the Fun Factory Teneo Smartballs.

You're a Douche-Bag, Douche-Bag

I LOVE that I know someone who is such an amazingly talented blogger!  If you are a follower of my blog, you know that I recently featured a blog all about the differences between vulvas and vaginas.  Well, friends, I am here to announce that Becca has done it again! 

I have known Becca for years as we were both Off-Site Sex Educators (OSSE) with Good Vibrations.  As an OSSE, we don't work in the fabulous stores.  We are the ones that go out to organizations or private parties when they request a sexuality workshop through Good Vibrations.  Sadly, Becca re-located to the east coast to attend graduate school.  This is, however, good news for followers of her blog as she seems to be posting with much more frequency! 

Thank you Becca for letting me re-post your awesome thoughts!

 
We live in a culture where we use sexuality related terms in a negative way all the time. You don’t like someone? They’re a dick, an asshole or a cunt. When something doesn’t go my way, I personally say ‘balls.’

The list for the ways that we use sex language to mean negative things could go on and on and on forever. I could write a whole blog post about how using sexual language that way perpetuates a sex negative culture. But instead, I want to talk about the one word that, I personally, am totally okay with meaning something negative.

And that is the word “douche.”

Let me tell you why!

Let’s start by talking about what a douche is for those of you who may not know. Aside from being that coworker who always steals your lunch out of the communal fridge, a douche (or douche-bag) is a bottle or bag full of liquid, attached to a nozzle. Upon insertion of that nozzle into the vagina, you squeeze the bottle/bag and the liquid goes into the vagina.

What’s the purpose of this liquid? To ‘clean’ the vagina.

Now, what any sex educator (or high school student in the Daly City/Pacifica, CA area) knows is that the vagina is self-cleansing. That means that through a series of amazing processes to maintain a balanced equilibrium, the vagina keeps itself clean.

This means that when you’re taking your weekly shower, there is no need to clean inside of your vagina. (Washing your vulva, however, is totally legit.)

In fact, if you douche, you’re washing away all those lovely natural fluids that help to keep your vagina in balance. This can actually increase your risk for things like yeast infections.

So … if douches aren’t actually good for your vagina? Why do douche-bags even exist?

Aside from annoying you by cutting you off on the freeway, douches exist because they make money. I don’t know if you follow advertising, but there are lots of ad-campaigns (whether it be for douches, feminine washes, or those pads that come with wipes) that are designed to make women feel insecure about the way their vaginas smell.

Summer’s Eve (being the Douche Kings … and I say Kings because it’s a male owned company), does this by saying things like “During the busy week you need to take time for yourself. Our products let you do just that. So no matter what your day brings, you can face it comfortably and put your best self forward.”

Because apparently if her vagina doesn’t smell like “Sweet Romance” or “Tropical Rain” there is no way a lady can be confident enough to get through her day.

That, for those of you who don’t pick it up well, was sarcasm.

Vaginas aren’t supposed to smell like an “Evening Breeze” or an “Island Splash.” (I’m not even making this shit up.)

Vaginas, my friends, are supposed to smell like “Vagina.”

And I don’t know about you, but I happen to like “Vagina.” It’s a smell that I think is sexy and timeless.

Douche-Bags, just like the woman talking hella loudly on her cell phone about how her 43 year old mother is banging a 17 year-old in a Planned Parenthood waiting room while you’re trying to watch Spiderman, however, are not.

At the most, the scents inside of douches and/or the very fact that they’re washing away your vagina’s natural elements, can contribute to infection. Not to mention they contribute to a system of advertising that makes women feel bad about something they shouldn’t feel bad about.

At the least, they’re wholly unnecessary.

This is why I support Douche as an insult. Because Douches, just like closeted politicians who vote against gay rights and then get caught blowing someone of the same gender in a public bathroom, don’t make any sense.

In closing … douching is a bad call, but calling people douche-bags can be quite fun.

Keep Thinking

-Becca

Dating Tips for All the Single Ladies (Circa 1938)

Think the dating world has changed much in the last 60 years?  Take a look at some of these recommended tips for single women from 1938. 

Tips for Single Ladies (1938)

• When it comes to dressing for the date, use your boudoir to keep your "allure".  Also, never keep your date waiting and greet him with a smile.
• Never ask your male companion to borrow his handkerchief when touching up your makeup. Apparently, men in the 1930's did not like it when their handkerchiefs became stained with lipstick.  It was also recommended that women put their makeup on in private.
• When on a date in the 1930's, a woman should refrain from sitting in awkward positions.  A woman should also never look bored, even if she is.  When on a date, be alert, and if you must chew gum, which is not advised, make sure you are silent and chewing with your mouth closed.
• While on the dance floor, never speak to your man.  Apparently in the 1930's, when a man dances, he wants to dance!
• Women should ensure they are presentable prior to going on a date.  It was recommended that a lady wear a brassiere, if needed, never tug at her girdle, and make sure her stockings are wrinkle free. 
• When on a date in the 1930's, a woman should not use her date's car mirror to fix her makeup.  Apparently, men need the mirror for driving, and it annoys him very much if he has to turn around to see what is behind him.
• While on a date, a woman should not be overly familiar with her date.  Caressing him in public, along with any other overt show of affection is in bad taste, and men often feel embarrassed and ever humiliated.
• A single woman dating in the 1930's should take care that she is not too sentimental.  Trying to get your date to say something he does not want to by working his emotions is a no-no.  Apparently, men in the 1930's really didn't like tears in public places!
• While on a date, a woman should not be overly familiar with other men (i.e. waiter, or host).  According to the tips, men are both deserving and desire a woman's entire attention.
• Women should not bother her date by talking about women's clothing.  On a date, a man should be pleased and flattered by talking about things he wishes to talk about.
• A single woman in the 1930's should take care to never drink too much while on a date.  A man expects his female date to maintain her dignity.  On the other hand, drinking can make many "girls" seem clever, but the majority just become silly.
• While on a date, a single woman should not talk to others, especially men.
• Finally, a single woman in the 1930's should never drink too much so that she ends up passing out on her date. 

What are your thoughts on these "tips"?  Have things changed all that much for a single lady?

What Women Need to Know About Men

Men and women.  A lot of fuss is made over how different we appear to be.  John Gray became uber famous by coming up with the saying that men are from mars, and women are from venus. 

While it's true that there are some significant differences between the way men and women communicate, we are also similar when it comes to certain relationship aspects. 

Here are a few things to keep in mind when dealing with the men in your life:

• Men are afraid of rejection too.  In fact, the vast majority of men love it when they are approached by women.  Women are much more intuitive then men when it comes to flirting.  Men have a harder time picking up on flirting cues and body language.  Women, this is where being direct with your flirting gestures can come in handy.  So go ahead and approach that cute guy you are interested in!  Make sure he knows you are interested in him, and you may be pleasantly surprised at how receptive he becomes. 
• Men hate it when you ask them "...can we talk?"  Women, this is probably one of the easiest ways to strike fear into the heart of your man.  If you have a difficult time understanding this concept, just think back to the last time your supervisor at work told you that they needed to "check in" with you.  Hearing these words can send a guy into a fit of questions like "..what did I do?", "is this is breakup conversation", etc.  In fact, it's best to try to avoid using the "we need to talk" phrase if possible. 
•  Men are not mind-readers!  I know, I know, this is shocking.  This might mean that you women out there might have to actually *gasp* tell your partner what you are feeling.  When your man asks you where you want to go to dinner, speak the frick up.  Do not wait around for him to guess what kind of "food mood" you happen to be in.  This kind of goes hand in hand with giving the old "nothing's wrong" answer when you know darn well something is going on.  Being able to speak up and have a tough conversation is all part of growing up and being a woman.  It will be so much healthier for your relationship in the long run if you and your partner are able to have frank discussions over the particular issues or challenges you are facing as a couple. 
• Men really want to feel that they are loved, respected, and needed.  Most men are well aware of all the self-sufficient women out there these days.  While it's true that we are no longer living in the 1950's,most  men still want to live up to the ideal of being a good provider and husband.  You may not need a man to open the door for you or to walk you to your car, but you don't need to refuse the offer if it comes your way either.  How many married women do you think tell their husbands that 1) they are happy they are married to him and 2) would marry him again if given the choice?  The best thing about paying your man a few compliments is that it costs you absolutely nothing, and it deepens the bond you already have.

~~~

Catherine Toyooka is the founder of Catherine Coaches and is a blogger, sexuality speaker, educator, and a dating & sex coach helping busy professionals living in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, and beyond. She is also the organizer of a monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!".

Please contact her to arrange your free 20 minute phone consultation.

Check It Out: A Workshop To Help Channel Your Inner Seductress!

Spring has sprung, and it is the perfect time to get your sexy back!

Almost every woman has her own secret seductress she turns to for inspiration.  For some it may be Marilyn Monroe, and for others it might be Beyonce or Angelina Jolie.  What do these iconic women have in common?  For starters, they either had or have image handlers that work with them to carefully craft the image they want others to get. 

Maybe you are saying to yourself, "hey, I could look that good if I had a gaggle of handlers, too!"  While Silicon Valley is no Hollywood, the Bay Area is home to some fabulous image consultants and boudoir photographers.  Image Mentor Joseph Rosenfeld, and boudoir photographer Jeanine Brown have joined forces to present the workshop called "Your Seductive Image--A Seminar on Becoming the Seductress".

This is how they describe the event that is currently scheduled in Sunnyvale, CA. for Wednesday, April 28 from 6:30 to 8:30pm.  Sign me up!

Every woman has visions of an ultra sexy seductress to the man she loves. But how does one go about it?

Lingerie and image play a huge role in seduction.

Please join Bay Area’s premier Image Mentor Joseph Rosenfeld, and boudoir photographer Jeanine Brown as they host Your Seductive Image Wednesday, April 28 from 6:30-8:30.

Joseph will discuss how lingerie and color can convey the sensual message you desire to send to your man. Jeanine will discuss and demonstrate boudoir photography and the sensual impact it can have in a relationship.

This informative and interesting evening will include gourmet appetizers and delicious wine, as well as a chance to meet and work with Jeanine and Joseph. In addition, select proprietors will display their goods and services.

Advance registration is required as we are limiting this event to 30 guests. Cost: $25.

~~~

Catherine Toyooka is the founder of Catherine Coaches and is a blogger, sexuality speaker, educator, and a dating & sex coach helping busy professionals living in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, and beyond. She is also the organizer of a monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!".

Please contact her to arrange your free 20 minute phone consultation.

Some Easy Ways to Get Back at the Pick Up Artists!

Women, have you ever been in a club or bar when you have been approached by a so called "pick up artist"?  You know, those guys who are waaay more geek then chic! 

Some guys think they have game, and they are very wrong.  Some guys know they have no game, and those are the guys I love working with!

Here are some no-fail responses that you can try out the next time you get some un-wanted attention from male players:

• "I'm so glad I met you because my plan for 2010 is to get married and *finger's crossed* have a baby."
• "Don't waste your time because I think sex is way overrated."
• "Omg, you look just like that dead actor..what's his name?  Chris Farley?"
• "Don't mind me.  I am usually in a much better mood, but I'm menstruating."
• "This is so crazy we met...my psychic just told me I would meet the one!"
• "You know, it is kinda not polite to keep checking out my cold sore."
• "I love you...you totally remind me of my younger brother!"
• "I can't wait to get home and blog about meeting you."

As the founder of Catherine Coaches, Catherine Toyooka is a bloggger(duh!), contributer to the examiner.com,  sexuality speaker, educator, dating coach, and sex coach helping busy professionals living in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, and beyond.

She is also the organizer of the monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!"   She has several workshops scheduled in the upcoming weeks, and would love to meet you in person!  You can also find her on twitter @catcoaches, facebook, and yelp.

Contact her to arrange your FREE 20 minute consultation.